After a while my tears subsided to sniffles and Jo eased me back, tenderly tucking strands of my unwashed hair behind my ears.
‘Do you want to tell us what’s going on?’
I lowered my gaze. ‘I think you know.’
She sighed. ‘Nate.’
I looked up at her, my gaze flickering to a concerned Ellie and Joss. ‘It started as a favor …’
Tuckered out from telling them the whole story, I slumped back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. ‘I feel like if I move, all my insides are going to fall out. I hate it. I hate him for making me feel this way.’
‘Liv’ – Joss leaned forward, elbows on her knees – ‘I want to be able to tell you that he’ll come around, because it sounds like he’s going through what I went through. But I can’t tell you that. I don’t know how he feels about you or what it was like between you. I do know that if I didn’t love Braden so goddamn much I wouldn’t have come around. I just wouldn’t have. So without the one hundred percent certainty that Nate is as crazy about you as I am about Braden, my advice is to move on. I know you probably want to punch me for saying it, but I can’t help but feel it’s the best advice.’
Ellie’s eyes filled with sincerity and sympathy. ‘I agree, sweetie. I think as much as it hurts, you’re going to have to start moving on.’
I looked at Jo, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was sipping her tea quietly.
Too quietly.
‘Jo? What do you think?’
‘The girls have a point,’ she replied.
‘Jo?’
Sighing heavily, Jo met my eyes. ‘Cam and I have been suspicious of the two of you for weeks. I saw how you are together. It was … it’s special.’ She gave me an almost apologetic smile. ‘I’d like to believe that there’s a chance for the two of you. I don’t know … maybe you should just give him time to miss you.’
Ellie smirked at Joss. ‘Didn’t Braden have a similar plan?’
Joss rolled her eyes. ‘Yes.’
‘And did it work?’ Jo asked.
‘Well … yeah … but –’
‘But Joss is right,’ I whispered. ‘Nate might miss me at first but not for long. He cared about me. He didn’t love me. He told me he didn’t love me.’
‘So …’ Jo’s eyes dimmed with disappointment.
I shrugged, the tears threatening to fall again. ‘I guess I better buy a giant-ass bandage to wrap up my insides … I’ve got to find a way to move on.’
Musical therapy. My first attempt at moving on.
Creating a playlist on my iPod Nano, I decided that the independent musical roars of Kelly Clarkson, Pink, Aretha Franklin, and other ladies who refused to be broken by an ill-fated love affair might just be the best way forward.
At work that Monday I went all out with my hair and makeup, wearing my favorite skinny jeans and purple silk blouse. It was part of the therapy. If I wanted to feel good on the inside, I had to start with the outside.
Since I was splitting my morning between the office and reshelving the reserve section, I approached Angus to ask a favor.
He looked down at my iPod with a frown. ‘You want to what?’
‘It’s just in the morning. When I’m working front of house in the afternoon I’ll of course take the earbuds out.’
Angus searched my face before taking the iPod none too gently out of my hands. ‘What are you listening to?’ His thumb moved over the screen quickly and as he scrolled through my playlist his features softened with understanding. When he looked up at me his blue eyes were concerned. He handed the iPod back to me. ‘Okay. Just for this morning.’
‘Thank you. I appreciate it.’
I turned and started to put the buds in my ears when Angus said my name. I looked back at him as he asked, ‘Was it anyone I know?’
My heart turned over in my chest. ‘It was Nate.’
And since Angus knew how close I was to Nate, I wasn’t surprised when he blanched and whispered, ‘I’m sorry, honey.’
I smiled sadly back at him. ‘You’re a great boss. You know that, right?’
‘Best ever,’ he agreed softly.
A while later, with Pink singing ‘So What’ in my ears, I was tucked in the back of the reserve section shelving new articles and taking out ones that were no longer being used. While I concentrated on doing my job and letting the female vocalists’ words of wisdom seep into me, I tried my hardest not to sing out loud.
That’s probably why I didn’t catch his approach out of my peripheral and why when I felt a hand clamp down on my shoulder I got such a fright that my knees gave out. I caught the end of my shriek as I yanked my earbuds out in midfall.
Ass on the floor, I gazed up at my frightener.
Ben stood over me, struggling not to laugh. ‘Olivia’ – he reached out a hand, his shoulders shaking with mirth – ‘I’m so sorry. Let me help you.’
So far beyond the point of being mortified at this kind of thing now, I let him pull me to my feet. ‘It’s okay.’ I beat at the dust on my jeans. ‘We’re not usually allowed to listen to music and now I know why.’
He grinned. ‘I am sorry.’