For a while she lay there and said nothing. Then, sadly, she said: Okay, I’m defensive, and I act superior, and I make you feel bad. And besides all that it’s obvious I have a crush on you anyway. So I suppose I’m very pathetic to you and not even pleasant to be around.
Yeah, exactly, he said. That’s exactly what I think about you. That must be why I spent the last four days following you all over the place like a fucking moron.
What did you come in here for? she asked. Just to tease me?
Fuck’s sake. I don’t know. I like talking to you. When we go to our separate beds, I find I think about you a bit. So I thought I would come in here and see if you were thinking about me as well. Okay?
What kind of things do you think about?
He probed his back teeth with his tongue, contemplating. It’s not that different from what you said, he told her. I imagine you really wanting it. Maybe I tease you a small bit at the start, and I can make you come a lot of times, that type of thing. In the fantasy itself there’s nothing that strange. The only weird thing is that when we’ve been staying
here, especially the last two nights, when I thought about you, I felt like you were thinking about me as well, in this room. Were you?
Yes, she said.
And it was like I could feel you near me. Actually, this morning I woke up and for a second I couldn’t remember if it was real or not – I mean I was confused whether I was alone in bed or you were there. Because it felt so real.
In a low voice she asked: How did you feel when you realised you were alone?
Honestly, in the split second? he said. Disappointed. Or, I don’t know, kind of lonely.
He paused for a moment and then asked: Can I touch you now, what do you think?
She said yes. He put his hand under her nightdress and stroked his fingers over her underwear. Her mouth opened and she let out a little breath. Gently, he put his index finger inside her, and she made a whimpering noise. His face was flushed. Ah, you’re so wet, he said. Her breath came high and quickly, her eyes still closed. He licked his upper lip and said: Let me take this off you. She sat up a little and he undressed her.
After that, he pulled his T-shirt off over his head and with her fingertips she touched his erection through his clothes. I want this so badly, she said. The tips of his ears were red.
Yeah? he said. Do you want it now? She asked if he had a condom, and he said yes, in his wallet. While she lay there on her back, he finished undressing and retrieved the wallet from his pocket. She watched him, while with her fingers she absently pinched the skin inside her elbow. Felix, she said. I haven’t done this in a while, is that okay?
They looked at one another uncertainly then – Alice perhaps uncertain of what he was thinking, Felix maybe uncertain of what the question signified. He had taken a little
blue square of foil from his wallet. What do you mean? he asked. She shrugged, looking uneasy, and went on pinching at her arm. He knocked her hand away and said: Stop that, you’ll hurt yourself. What’s the matter? It’s not your first time or something, is it?
That made her laugh, a little sheepishly, and he laughed too, perhaps relieved. No, she said. My life has just been weird for a while. Like about two years. But it was normal before. Smoothing his palm down over her thigh, he said sympathetically: Ah, that’s alright. Are you nervous? She nodded. He tore open the square of foil then and removed the condom from inside. Don’t worry, he said. I’ll look after you. He got on top of her then and kissed her neck. Afterwards, when they parted, Alice seemed to fall asleep instantly, without even moving her arms or legs, which were jumbled awkwardly in the bedclothes. Felix lay down on his side, watching her, and then turned over on his back and stared up at the ceiling.
14
Dearest Eileen – your email about what happened with Simon brought joy to my withered heart. You deserve romance! And so I feel does he. Can I tell you something about him that I promised I would never tell you but now I’m breaking the promise because the moment is opportune? A few years ago, just after you moved in with Aidan, Simon came over to see me one afternoon for coffee. We chatted about this and that, it was all very normal, and then when he was leaving, he stopped at the doorway of your old room to look inside. It was emptied out already, the bed was stripped, and I remember there was a pale rectangle on the wall where you used to have your Margaret Clarke poster. In a sort of fake-cheerful voice Simon said, ‘You’ll miss her.’ And without thinking about it, I answered, ‘So will you.’ It didn’t really make any sense, because you were actually moving closer to Simon’s neighbourhood, but he didn’t seem surprised that I had said it. He just replied like, ‘Yes, obviously.’ We stood there at the door of your room for a few more seconds and then he laughed and said: ‘Please don’t tell her I said that.’ Of course you were with Aidan at the time, so I never did tell you.
And I can’t say I had always known, because I hadn’t. I knew you and Simon were very close, and I knew what had happened in Paris. But for some reason it had never occurred to me that he had been in love with you all along. I don’t think anyone knew.
Anyway, we never talked about it again. Do you think it’s terrible of me to tell you all this? I hope not. It wasn’t very clear from your message whether you think you’re going to keep seeing each other or not . . . What do you feel?
Yesterday afternoon – just after I got your email, in fact – Felix started to tell me about some things he had done in the past and later regretted. I suppose it was one of those
‘worst things I’ve ever done’ conversations – and actually, he has done some pretty bad