The rest of the day after the ultrasound I was an emotional wreck. Before I went back to work, I had put on a happy face at Mama Sofia’s where free desert was given to all the patrons in honor of Isabella—Mia’s Moose of course. My dad was absolutely on cloud nine when I told him, especially about the name. Of course when he had questioned me about AJ, I had shook my head. How could I explain to him what I was feeling? How the doubts and fears of my past continued crippling me in the future with AJ? Not to mention that the one and only time AJ had actually said the words ‘I love you’ was when he was under emotional distress handcuffed to a shower.
I knew my dad wanted to talk to me about it—maybe even counsel me on what to do. But just like when everything was going so wrong with Jason, I hid from him. Like a total coward, I snuck out of Mama Sofia’s before he could come back to my table.
In the end, I knew there was no one I could talk to about this. It was my decision, and mine alone, to make. That’s what made it so fucking hard. Of course, the worst part of all was how much I loathed myself. I had become totally unrecognizable to myself, and I couldn’t just blame my irrational pregnancy hormones. No, I was reaping shit I’d sown a long, long time ago. The old me wouldn’t have led Dev on when I knew that I would never take him back. But there was a part of me that got some sick vindication from making him suffer.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Deep into the core of my being, I knew I wanted to be with AJ. There was absolutely no rational reason not to give him another chance. He was the father of my daughter. I had fallen in love with him in the midst of our lust-haze. But nothing about me was rational at the moment. I kept focusing on the irrational side of things—my insecurities about AJ’s career and his women, and the way I felt like I could never be good enough, or even, enough for him. Somehow I always kept coming back to my self-loathing conclusion, that he deserved someone better—although the thought of seeing him with another woman made me physically sick.
It seemed I had more time to think about it than I should have since things were slow on the floor. Somehow I had resorted to pacing around in the break room while feeling like a total nut-job.
Dee poked his head in the door. “Mimi, you have a visitor.”
My heart leapt into my throat, and more than anything in the world, I hoped it was AJ. At the sight of Pesh, my former mentor and Dev’s brother, standing in the doorway, the breath I’d been holding exhaled in a noisy rush of disappointment.
Pesh’s beaming smile slowly receded as his gaze roamed over me. He stared at my abdomen before glancing back up at me. “Now I know why Dee called me.”
His words, coupled with the emotional shit-storm of my life, caused me to burst into tears. Pesh rushed forward and pulled me into his arms. “Hey now, if I’m going to have this kind of effect on you, I’ll leave.”
My mirthless laugh was muffled against his chest. “No, that’s not it at all. I’m kinda a mess lately.”
“Well, I don’t know about that, but you’ve certainly been busy,” he mused.
I pulled away to shake my head. “I can’t believe Dee called you.”
“He’s worried about you and the decisions you’re making.”
With a wince, I said, “I guess you know about Dev.”
Pesh nodded. “Yes, he told me he was trying to convince you to come back to him.”
“You don’t sound like you think that’s a good idea.”
“That’s because I know it’s not.”
My brows shot up in surprise. “What?”
Pesh exhaled a ragged sigh before resting his hands on my shoulders. “I know you and Dev were together a long time. Our family will always love you and owe you a tremendous debt for getting him back on track after those wayward years.”