CHAPTER 16
Tristan's birthday celebration at 'Torchy's' turned out to be a lot of fun. Trey's hangover had subsided enough that he felt like having a few drinks. Gina got fairly lit and Tristan entertained us with 'Trey' stories from when he was a kid.
When Gina and I had gone to the restroom earlier I had filled her in on what Amber had pulled earlier in the day.
"Are you freaking serious?" she asked her eyes widening.
I nodded and smiled.
"Trey actually fucked you while your bare ass was on her leather jacket?"
I nodded again.
"And she actually stayed on the phone listening to it?"
"Well Gina - it wasn't like she knew my ass was on her jacket at the time."
Gina was giggling hysterically by this time.
"I mean, do you think she actually knew what you guys were doing?"
"Well, she did ask at the end if she had interrupted anything."
"Oh my God! I bet she had her hand down her panties the whole time!"
"Gina! That's gross."
"Just sayin' girlfriend," she replied with a smirk.
I started giggling then thinking back on it.
"What?" Gina asked.
"It's just that Trey has to take that jacket to the office on Monday. It's got pecker tracks all over it."
"Eeww," Gina said, "Now that is gross."
The band had started playing by the time Gina and I returned to the table. It was a slow song. Tristan asked Trey if he could borrow me for a dance.
"Just make sure that you bring her back," Trey replied.
Tristan had wanted to get me alone. Gina had mentioned to him my interest in buying the cruise package deal from him.
"Tylar, as far as I am concerned, that cruise can be a gift from me to you and Trey."
"But Tristan, then it's as if we didn't get you anything for Christmas."
"Look," he said, his emerald green eyes capturing mine, "Do you realize how indebted I am to both of you?"
I was totally clueless as to why he felt indebted to us.
He apparently read my body language.
"If it hadn't been for you guys, I wouldn't have met my soon-to-be wife and soul mate Gina; I wouldn't have my beautiful son Reese, or my gorgeous niece Preston. Please let me do this for you, Tylar. I know that you and Trey need some time together away from all of this. Gina and I want you to have the cruise and we also want you to know that we will keep Preston with us, or at the very least, help Jean out while you're gone."
"Oh Tristan," I sighed smiling up at him. "Have I told you lately that you are the best brother-in-law that a girl could ever have?"
Tristan gave me a wicked little grin.
"I'm always happy to help my brother out. Whether it be with a gift cruise or being the object of someone's fantasy. That's what brothers do."
I looked up at him quickly and saw the amusement dancing in his eyes. I felt my face blush beet red.
(Damn Gina!)
"I am so going to kill Gina," I hissed. "I can't believe that she shared that with you."
"I think it actually slipped out accidently."
"Accidently?"
"Yeah one night when she was hammered she just kind of spilled it. I shouldn't have mentioned it to you," he laughed.
"Tristan just please don't ever say anything to Trey. He would not have a sense of humor about that at all."
"Hey," he said softly, "Not to worry. I wouldn't dream of it. It was more amusing than anything else because I know how infuriating Trey can be. I don't want to make light of it though. I know you guys will work things out. Just know that I'm 'Team Tylar' if he doesn't get his priorities straight."
The song ended. Tristan gave me a hug before we left the dance floor. When we got back to the table Trey was on his Blackberry trying to hear whoever was on the other end talking to him. I lip synced to Gina asking who it was. She shrugged her shoulders indicating she hadn't a clue.
I hoped that it wasn't Amber checking on her leather jacket again. The thought brought a giggle to me. Gina and Tristan got up to dance. Finally Trey ended his call.
"That was Mom," he said. "Tess and Nigel welcomed their baby boy about an hour ago. Everything is fine. The baby is healthy and the family is ecstatic."
"Wow," I said, "He has the same birthday as Tristan."
Somehow I hoped that this was an omen of some sort; I has bothered me more than ever that their baby would turn out to be Trey's. It would be difficult to tell though with the similarities between the brothers. I suppose that is why it was the perfect plan.
"She wanted to wish Tristan a 'Happy Birthday' too. She wants him to call her when he gets back to the table."
"Did she say what the baby looks like?" I asked.
Trey gave me a sidelong glance.
"Didn't you really mean 'who'?"
"What? That's a typical question."
"She didn't go into any details," he replied, taking my hand. "You're not going to get weird about this are you?"
"No, Trey," I said suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of loss that I felt at not having Marley.
I quickly pushed the feeling aside. Now was not the time or the place to grieve if that in fact was what that feeling signaled.
Gina and Tristan returned to the table. Trey shared the good news with them. Tristan went outside to call his mother back.
When he returned he told us that she was staying with Nigel and Tess for the next couple of weeks. She said that they would be coming for Thanksgiving. She was looking forward to having all of her sons, wives, significant others and grandchildren in Bristol at Thanksgiving.
(I wasn't sure if I would be able to get through another Sinclair holiday this year . . .)
When Trey and I got home I climbed the stairs to our suite. I was still feeling out of sorts with the birth of Tess's and 'whomever's' son. I knew that I couldn't share this with Trey because that ship had sailed way back when he had made the decision.
I got into my nightgown and climbed into our bed. Trey came in a few minutes later and changed into his sweats and a tee shirt. He joined me in our bed, pulling me close.
"Hey, is everything all right, sweetie?"
I looked over at him and I knew that I couldn’t hide my sadness from him this time. I had done it all those times before but it wouldn't allow me to ignore it this time.
"No Trey. Everything is not okay."
"Tell me, baby. Tell me what's wrong."
"We lost our baby," I moaned, "We lost our little Marley."
I dissolved into racking sobs with the realization that I could no longer tuck this reality back into some abstract place in my mind to be dealt with in the future; or not to be dealt with at all.
Trey was on his knees pulling me up to him. His arms encircled me as I continued to wail over our loss. I never knew that my body contained so many tears. They had been building up for awhile. These tears were only for Marley; no one else.
"There, baby," he said to me soothingly, "Just let it out, sweetie. I know it hurts, doesn't it?"
I nodded into his shoulder still sobbing.
"Why, Trey? Why did she die?"
"I don't have the answer to that question. I just know that it was nothing you did or didn't do, okay?"
"And it was nothing that you did either, Trey," I said. "How could I have said what I said to you?"
"You were in shock honey. You didn't mean it."
By this time Trey was sitting on the bed. He had pulled me into his lap. His fingers brushed the tears from my face.
"Trey?"
"Yeah baby?"
"I don't want to have any more children."
"Sweetie," he said, "Right now the pain is too fresh. Give it some time. You may feel differently."
"I will give it some time but I don't think that I will feel differently, Trey. I never want to feel this kind of loss again."
Trey held me all through the night. My tears and sobbing came in bits and pieces. He continued to soothe me, staying awake, holding me in his strong arms. I dozed off intermittently between the bouts of crying.
Trey got up Sunday morning before I did. I knew that he hadn't gotten much sleep if any at all. He brought Preston in once she was dressed.
She crawled over next to me on the bed.
"Mommie?"
I opened my eyes feeling her closeness and hearing her sweet baby voice.
"Hi baby," I said to her smiling. A fresh tear rolled down my cheek.
"Mommie sad?"
"Yes, Preston. Mommy is feeling kind of sad today."
"Cancakes?"
"No honey; Mommy doesn't feel like making pancakes this morning. Daddy will make pancakes for you."
She was watching me with her big blue eyes. She didn't understand my sadness. God willing she would never have to
experience this type of sadness in her life.
She put her thumb in her mouth and nestled down next to me on the bed. She didn't want to leave me. I fell back to sleep.
Trey came back into our room at noon to wake me up.
"Are you going to stay in bed all day sleepy head?"
He was trying to cheer me up. I didn't deserve to be cheered up right now.
"Where's Preston?" I asked.
"She is spending the day with her cousin, Reese. Jean dropped her on her way to visit her daughter. She will bring her back this evening."
"Trey you didn't need to send the baby away. I can handle her."
"I know you can. I also know that you are feeling sad. I thought maybe you and I would spend a quiet day at home with just each other."
I moved over to where he was sitting on the bed. He pulled me into his lap; he gently stroked my hair with his hand.
"I ran you a nice bubble bath," he said nodding toward the bathroom. "When you are finished I will have a special lunch made for you."
I relaxed in my bubble bath thinking how nice it would be to spend the day alone with Trey. Karla had alluded to the fact that Trey and I needed to make time for each other. That was why I wanted to surprise him with the cruise. I would need to get busy with those arrangements soon.
I got dressed in jeans and a sweater and pulled my riding boots on. When I got downstairs I saw that Trey had set the dining room table for our lunch. He had our best china out, cloth napkins and candles lit even though it was sunny out. He had poured us each a glass of white wine. It was very intimate.
He was coming out of the kitchen with two salad plates full as I got to the dining room.
"Perfect timing," he said, setting the salads down on the table. He pulled a chair out for me to be seated.
We sipped our wine and ate our salads talking about the upcoming holidays and what we wanted to do. I heard a timer go off in the kitchen. Trey disappeared through the door and returned with a warm quiche from the oven.
"Okay," I said, smiling for the first time, "I know that you did not make that quiche."
"I didn't claim that I did. I knew you liked it so I asked Jean to make it before she left."
"Trey, honestly," I smiled, "Sunday is supposed to be her day off. You have her making quiche and shuttling Preston back and forth."
"She didn't mind," he replied watching me. "She wants you to feel better you know. I do too."
"I know that, honey," I said, "I want to feel better."
We finished our lunch and Trey cleaned up the kitchen.
"Do you want to take Derringer out on the trail?" he asked me.
"I don't feel like going by myself," I said.
Trey rolled his eyes and smiled.
"I meant both of us," he replied. "I want both of us to take him out on the trail."
"Okay, let me get a jacket."
Trey and I spent a couple of hours on the horse trail with Derringer. We would stop off at different places on the trail to sit and talk in the crisp autumn sunshine. He held my hand when we were walking; his arms encircled me when we were on the horse, holding me close against his chest. I felt so safe and loved.
When we got back to the stables, he and I unsaddled Derringer together. We worked as a team talking and laughing as we brushed and groomed him. When we finished Trey pulled me down on a bale of straw to sit next to him.
He was staring at me; his eyes were very serious and intense.
"What, Trey?"
"Can I ask you something?"
(Oh God, please don't let this be about Danny Duvall.)
"Sure."
"When was the first time that you knew that you cared about me?"
(Thank God . . .)
"Hmm, well let's see. I think it was the first time I met you in the stables and you ripped into me about 'no one mounts Derringer but me'." I tried to imitate his authoritative tone.
"Really? I was kind of an ass to you that day."
"The day got better as I recall."
He smiled showing me his dimple. He pulled me against him.
"Hey - what about you?" I asked.
"It was the same day," he replied, "Just a little later in the day."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. It was right after I hauled you out of the pool."
"Oh God, you mean when I had my 'near-death experience'?"
"After that," he replied softly. "The paramedics had put you into the squad. They wouldn't let me ride along with you to the hospital. I got into my car and sped like hell so that I would get to the hospital at the same time they did. I didn't want you coming to and not knowing where you were or what had happened. I was so very scared that you wouldn't make it."
Trey's voice had gotten hoarse. I looked up at him and saw him brush a tear from his cheek with the palm of his hand. He was choked up. I wasn't used to seeing Trey emotional.
"Charlotte had tuned my car radio in to some 'oldies' station when we had been out earlier that evening. As I finally caught up with the paramedics on the road to the hospital, a song came on that radio station that I'd heard before on television or maybe in a movie. It just seemed so on target for what I felt at that exact moment."
"What song was it?" I asked.
"I'm not sure of the title," he said, "And you know that I'm not a singer; but I think it starts out saying something about 'the night we met I knew I needed you so.' Do you know the song?"
"Is the next line something like 'And if I had the chance I’d never let you go'?"
"Yeah, that's it," he said smiling sheepishly.
"Be My Baby," I said softly, shaking my head in recognition.
"That's when I knew that I loved you, Tylar. That's when I knew that I wanted you to be my baby forever."
He lowered his head raking his hands through his thick hair. He was so sad. Had I made him sorry for that?
"What about now, Trey? What do you feel now?"
I was almost afraid to hear his answer but I knew that I needed to ask the question.
He turned to me and I saw the tears of pain in his eyes; I was afraid that I had put that anguish there.
"I lost her too, Tylar. I loved that baby just like I loved Preston before she was born; I lost her too, you know?"
"Oh, Trey," I said, wrapping my arms around him tightly. I kissed his tears and buried my face into his chest.
"But you didn't grieve, Tylar. I wanted - I needed to grieve but I couldn’t because I was waiting for you to grieve. So I held it inside of me all of this time thinking that maybe it was natural for you to feel the way you felt; maybe I was expecting you to feel the way that I did and you simply didn't. I felt it was wrong for me to resent you for not grieving."
"You resented me?"
"I did," he said nodding his head. "I resented the hell out of you. I should have known though."
"Should have known what, Trey?"
"I should have known that something was wrong; that you were holding it in all of this time. I should have known that you were not allowing yourself to grieve for our baby girl."
"How could you have known Trey? I didn't even know it myself."
"Because I'm your husband damn it! Because I am supposed to know you better than you know yourself. Because I do know the person that you are and your behavior was totally out of character for that person."
"Trey please - "
"No Tylar. This needs to be said. It was my responsibility to see that your needs - whether physical or emotional - were being met. I didn't do that. I chose to hide behind my resentment. I buried myself in my work; I mentored Amber; I spent more time with her than I did with you or Preston. I am the one that carries the guilt for this. Last night you finally let loose with your grief after all of this time. I should have never let you go on for so long like that. Look what we've done to each other."
"Trey stop, please. You are my husband. You are not my keeper. You are not taking the blame for this. I am responsible for myself. The healing has started Trey. I realize its several months late, but it has finally started."
"I can see that, Tylar; your healing started after one session with Dr. Hunter! How the fuck does that makes me feel?"
I wasn't following Trey's line of thinking. I hoped that he intended to clue me in.
"I should have forced you to see Dr. Hunter way before now. Don't you see that? If I had insisted you see her for counseling we might not have had to go through all the shit that we've gone through."
"Trey you know as well as I do that making me do something almost never works out, right?"
He looked over at me with a hint of a smile on his face.
"Besides that I don't know that my one visit with Karla is what prompted my grieving process. I think it had more to do with Nigel and Tess's baby being born."
"Why would that trigger it?"
"Because from the minute that baby was born it will now be a reminder to us at every holiday get together or family celebration we attend that you and I should be raising a child that age. There will always be one empty seat at the dinner table; one unworn party hat; one less child's worth of gifts that Santa puts under our tree."
Trey pulled me over onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me.
"Doesn't Reese offer that same reminder?"
"No," I said simply shaking my head.
"Why?"
"It's just different," I said shrugging. "He was already here."
"By just a couple of days, Tylar. Is it because Tess's son may be mine?"
I cringed when he said it but I couldn't deny the truth.
"Yes," I answered him honestly. "If you want to know the truth, that is part of it."
"We can have more children, Tylar. We never planned for Preston to be an only child."
"I know Trey, but what if it happens again?"
"Honey - do you remember what the doctor said about the rarity of what happened?"
"Yeah - it was something like one in a million chances that the same thing would happen to the same mother."
"It was actually 1.2 million," he said, correcting me. "Remember Dr. Addison saying that it wasn't just one thing that caused Marley's death but a rare series of events that each played a part in this particular tragedy?"
I nodded.
"I don't want us to be afraid of odds like that baby."
"Trey - you and I need time to heal before we consider having another child."
"I know that, baby. Just please don't say 'never' okay?"
"Okay," I replied snuggling against him.
It was starting to get dark as Trey and I walked hand-in-hand through the field to our home. The sun was going down making the air much chillier.
Once inside Trey got a fire going in the fireplace. He poured us each a glass of wine and we relaxed on the thick rug in front of the fire. I grabbed a couple of pillows from the couch and we lay on our sides sipping wine and watching the flames flickering. They made different shadowy shapes on the walls.
Trey scooted close to me his head propped on his hand. He lowered his face to me his lips softly kissing mine. His tongue slowly traced a path along my lower lip.
"Mmmm," he moaned. "Do you know what I want to do right this minute?"
"Surprise me," I said softly, closing my eyes. I felt his tongue leave my lips. I waited to feel it touch me somewhere else. It didn't.
I finally opened my eyes. Trey had left the room
(What the hell?)
"Trey?"
He reappeared carrying a bag of marshmallows and two long toasting forks.
"Here you go," he said grinning handing me one.
We toasted marshmallows and sipped our wine. We re-connected emotionally and it felt so good.
Trey and I both got Preston dressed for bed in our room that evening. She was jabbering away with words only she could possibly understand. We were able to catch the name 'Reese' in the chatter. That was the extent of it.
"Before I put your pull-up on do you have to go pee-pee?" I asked her. She actually did pretty well at understanding what we said.
"Nooo." She said shaking her head.
"Actually honey," Trey said, "I think the experts say you should not ask before bedtime whether they have to go or not, but simply seat them on their potty chair for a few minutes."
(Really Trey? Be my guest.)
"Great idea. Will you take her in there?"
"Sure babe," he replied smiling.
He lifted her from the bed and took her into our bathroom where one of her three potty chairs was located within the house. I lay across our bed and listened to the father-daughter chatter. I could hear him talking to her trying to persuade her to stay on the potty and try.
He finally handed her one of her 'Choo-Choo' books that had been left in the bathroom; he instructed her to look at the pictures and tell him what they were. I chuckled to myself as I heard him run the water in one of the sinks to see if that might inspire her to pee. It must have inspired him to pee when I heard the familiar sound of the toilet seat hitting the tank and the sound of his stream.
I went to my dresser to get a nightgown out. I was not far from bedtime either. I heard the toilet flush followed by Trey's voice.
"What did you say, Preston?"
I heard her mumble something that I couldn't understand from where I was standing in our room.
"That's what I thought you said. Come on. I guess you don't have to go after all."
His voice had a hint of harshness in it. I wondered what the hell she had said. Both Trey and I were careful now to watch our language around her since she was learning new words every day. I hoped like hell Gina hadn't dropped the 'F-bomb' around her, though I doubted that very much.
Trey came out of the bathroom with Preston is his arms. Her pull-up was in place and her pajama bottoms were snapped up.
"Do you know what she just said in there?"
He had this incredulous look on his face that for some reason amused me. He clearly was not amused.
"What?" I asked almost afraid to hear it.
"She pointed at me after I finished peeing and said 'dinky,' at my you-know-what."
I couldn’t help it; a giggle escaped and then another.
"I don't think that it's funny, Tylar. Where would she hear trash talk like that?"
"Trey, for crying out loud, I wouldn't exactly call it 'trash talk.' That is probably the word that Gina uses for Reese's 'you-know-what," I said putting an exaggerated whisper on the 'you-know-what'.
"Oh, so now I'm actually being compared with a three-month old anatomically?"
"Trey, you are a hoot," I said laughing. He clearly was not amused. I needed to diffuse the situation.
"Trey, may I ask how she saw your 'you-know-what' from her potty chair?"
He set her on our bed with one of her books and turned back to me. He had a very sheepish look going on. He talked in a whisper so that she couldn't hear what he was telling me.
"I was trying to get her to pee so I ran water in the sink. Then I had to pee so I went over to the commode. She must've gotten off her potty chair to see what I was doing. Right after I flushed the toilet I turned around getting my 'you-know-what' tucked back inside of my jeans and she was right there."
I could tell that this was totally flipping him out.
"Okay honey - it's not a big deal. In the future though, I think that you need to make sure the door is shut when you use the commode in our bathroom, okay?"
"That's fine Tylar but it still doesn't answer my question as to where she learned that word."
"I'll ask Gina about it next time I talk to her, okay?"
"Please do," he replied still out of sorts.
We got Preston tucked into bed for the night and returned to our suite. Trey went into take his shower, I changed into my nightgown climbing into bed. I hunkered down under the covers completely exhausted from our big day. It had been quite a day.
I realized how much Trey loved me and how much I loved him. I was starting to come to terms with the loss of my baby girl, Marley. Trey and I were finding out so much about each other.
I had dozed off when Trey came to bed. He was still damp from his shower. He pulled me to him and immediately started kissing me and holding me closely.
"I love you so much, baby," he whispered to me.
"I love you too, Trey," I replied, burying myself against him.
We had just started to make love when my Blackberry went off on the nightstand. I looked over and could see it was my father calling.
"It's my dad," I said reaching for it.
"Hello?"
"Tylar darling, I am so sorry to be calling you this late but I needed you to hear this from me."
"What is it Dad?" I asked, sitting up and bracing myself for the news.
"Matthew Renaud committed suicide tonight in his jail cell. He hung himself with a rope he fashioned from the cording on the mattress of his cot."