Thursday, July 3, 2008
IF THAT WASN'T A sign from the universe, then I was losing my mind.
After my freak out the night before, and saying yes to Grant, I needed to get away for a minute. The beauty of my new job was that, with my laptop and a kitchen, I could do it anywhere. So I decided to go to Chicago early, to spend a few days with Reggie, before my first trade show on Saturday.
My bosses had given me a few menus to review and I was already starting to work up some ideas for the clients. Not only did I feel like I could do the job well, after only a few days, I also loved it. The freedom. Bridgett and Lance were incredibly laid back. It was a great environment for creativity.
So, I flew to Chicago.
“Does Nobody have a name?” my brother asked as we drove through the busy rush-hour traffic. I knew he was going to ask.
“I don't know,” I said. All I could think was that she had told the truth. That was the girl he'd been with at the party. They were in Chicago together.
“You don't know or you don't want to talk about it?” Reggie and I were close in age. He was only about eighteen months older than me in reality. In life, though, he was years older. He graduated early from high school, went straight into college, finished in three years, and then got his MBA. He was the brains of our little family and he'd done really well for himself.
He'd looked so different when I first saw him through the airport doors. He was bigger than the last time I'd seen him, he looked like a full-on man. He certainly wasn't my nerdy older brother who I'd seen months ago over the holidays.
“I don't want to talk about it. You look good. You're bigger. Like buff,” I said, changing the subject and trying to get out of my head for the first time in the past twenty-four hours.
“My building has a gym. So you're going to marry the robot, huh?” he teased, looking behind himself as he changed lanes with ease.
“He's not a robot.”
“He acts like a robot. Tell me who that other guy was.” So much for changing the subject.
So I stuck to my story and answered, “He's a friend.”
“Okay then we'll do this my way. Since you don't want to talk now, we're going back to my place. You're going to cook for me. And then you're going to tell me what the f*ck is going on. You look like shit. You got engaged and then came to visit—for the first time in over a year—the day after, the some Nobody sees you at the airport and you don't want to talk about it. There's no way I'm letting this go. So figure out how you want the story to sound, because you're telling me everything.”
“Did you go to the store already?” I knew what he wanted. My lasagna.
“Yeah, I ordered groceries from work after you called. My doorman let them up a little while ago.”
His new building was nice, I-wasn't-dressed-well-enough-nice. He parked us in the garage attached to the side of the high-rise that housed his place.
He got my luggage out and we took an elevator straight up to his floor. There were only five doors down his hall, and his was the one on the very end. Inside, it was clean and minimalistic. He had a view of the Chicago skyline on one side and a view of the lake on the other. I walked straight to the window to look out.
“It's a pretty spectacular view, huh?” I heard him walk up behind me. “I put your bags in the spare room. Want a drink?”
“Wine. I'll take wine,” I said and laughed.
“Good, you'll spill your guts faster.”
I cooked and he told me about his new job and the building. He had been made junior partner already at Price-McClellan, the firm he worked for as a venture capital consultant. I didn't really understand what he did, only that he was good at it and that he loved it, which made me happy. He was living life exactly the way he wanted.
I didn't hold back anything after glass three.
“What the hell am I doing?” I asked as I sat down with Reggie at his bar to eat.
“I don't know. I need to think about this,” he said with his mouth already full.
There was a knock at his door, which I thought was weird because he had a door guy and no one buzzed. He wiped his mouth and got up to answer it.
“Just a second,” he said, as he made his way across the open living room and up the three stairs to the foyer. He looked out the peephole and then wiped his hands on his pants one more time before opening the door part of the way.
He talked in a very hushed tone, but I saw a woman's head pop around him. She smiled and waved.
“Hello,” I said. She looked really nice. Very pretty. I didn’t know what they were walking about, but she bound past him and walked directly toward me.
“Hi, I'm Nora. I live down the hall from your brother. You're Blake, right?” She held out her hand for me to shake. I swiped the breadcrumbs off my hands and took it; her grip was quick and firm.
“It's nice to meet you. Have you eaten? I made plenty.” Reggie ran his hand over his jaw, looking perplexed.
She looked to him and smiled really big. She had a cool smile. It was very different. Her teeth were white, but imperfect. Her eyetooth, just barely, overlapped her front tooth. It was a small thing, but I liked it. She was dressed in a fitted tan dress and had on the most audacious heels I'd ever seen. They had to be five-inches high.
“It smells so good. I don't mind if I do. Reagan told me before that you're a chef,” she said, then looked like she wasn't so sure. She turned to my brother and asked, “Right?”
All I could think was Reagan?
Then he nodded and took his seat next to me again, totally at ease with her in his space. Her focus shifted back to me, “So, I'd be a fool to pass up this cooking.” She made herself at home already grabbing a plate from the cabinet and snagging a wine glass from the rack.
They looked at each other for a long minute and then her eyes grew wide. They were having a silent conversation. She sipped her wine, which he'd poured for her. My mind reeled at the sight of them.
“So,” she said, “What are we talking about?”
Reggie answered her, “Well, this is right up your alley.” He looked at me for approval and then asked, “Do you mind if I tell her?”
I said, “No,” because it was fine. I didn't know her and she didn't know anyone involved. Who could it hurt?
“My little sister here is in a situation. She's been dating the same robot—sorry, Blake, excuse me—guy for over a year. He's a decent guy. He's good to her and they love each other. A few months ago she ran into a man—we're still calling him Nobody—when she was out of town and they had a one-night stand,” he paused.
Nora looked to me for confirmation that he'd told the story correctly.
“It's true. I'm a terrible person.”
Reggie took a drink, then we all took drinks, and then he continued, “So, according to her description, it was pretty f*cking good, without her going into too much detail. I'm her brother and I don't want or need the particulars.”
Nora's eyes lit up and she smiled that big, not-quite-perfect smile of hers at me.
“Good, huh? Better than the robot?” she asked Reggie. Not me.
Reggie said, “I think so.” They both looked my way and I conceded, bowing my head in agreement and defeat.
“Keep going,” Nora implored my brother smacking his arm from across the bar.
“You're loving this, aren't you?” he asked her.
“Oh, you bet I am. Now talk.”
“Okay,” he continued. “They've been sending each other messages—”
I interrupted, “Clean messages.”
His disbelieving eyebrow rose at me.
“—So they text back and forth every day. She feels bad, but she still doesn't stop doing it. Then yesterday, a woman who claims to be Casey's girlfriend—which Blake didn't know about—sends her messages telling her to, pretty much, f*ck off.”
It sounded so childish hearing it through my brother’s recollection. It made me feel stupid and I bit my thumbnail down to the quick. It bled. As usual.
I quietly added, looking at Reggie, “She called me Nobody.”
Realization dawned on him. “So that's where Nobody got his name. Gotcha,” he said knowingly and made a sympathetic face. “You're not Nobody,” then he kissed me on my forehead. “What a bitch,” he added.
“So then...” Nora interjected, trying to keep the story going.
I decided to finish it myself. “Grant, the robot, proposed yesterday and I said yes. Then I panicked. Then I flew here. Then this afternoon, we saw Casey and the bitch at the airport. She was woman I recognized from when we were at a party the weekend we met. He tried to talk to me, but we got in the car and left.” I buried my head in my arms on the counter. “That's it,” I said.
It was quiet for a few seconds. I could only imagine the silently mouthed words and lip readings going on above my down-turned head between the two of them.
Finally, Nora said, “Wow. Reagan, do you have more red? We need another bottle.”
Reagan.
He stood and rounded the bar to her side and pulled another bottle from his wine cooler.
He laughed. “Do you want to open it, Nora?”
“Very funny,” she said sarcastically. These two must have spent a lot of time together. I wondered if they were... No. He would have just came out with it when he introduced her. Reggie didn't suffer fools, and I'd never heard him lie.
Nora stole my brother's chair and put a comforting arm around me and rubbed my back. She was kind. I hoped they were messing around. She’d be good for him.
She began, “Okay, I'm know that I'm going to be the minority, but this is what I think. How do I put this...?” I tried to read her face as she thought of how to say whatever it was delicately.
Stealing my attention away from the nice Nora, Reggie—or Reagan—added, “Nora is polyamorous. She doesn't believe in monogamy.” But he said it to her, leaning over the bar in her direction, then filled her glass of red all the way to the top. “Isn't that right?”
“I love how you pour my glass, thank you,” she said to him with her full smile on view. Then she faced me again, squared my shoulders with hers, and placed her hands on my legs.
“Blake, I understand what you are feeling. Do you love the robot?” Then her straight face cracked, and she giggled a little, then corrected herself with a cough. “What was his name?”
“Grant,” Reggie and I said in unison, neither with much enthusiasm. It spoke volumes about what we thought of him.
“Right. Do you love Grant?”
“Yes. I really do.” She pulled my chewed up hand away from my mouth and placed it under the palm she returned to my leg.
“And are you curious about your feelings for Nobody?” She smiled again, but didn't try to hide it this time.
“Yes,” I admitted. She did understand. “Now what does that mean? Tell me what to do.” I pleaded with them. “When he sent me a message earlier, he said they weren't together. What should it matter? I'm engaged. I'm so f*cked up.”
“People can be in love with more than one person at the same time, Blake,” Nora said in a soothing, almost motherly tone.
Reggie chimed in, “Some people can.”
“Yes, some people,” she corrected. “But you have to be very honest. About everything.”
“Tell Grant? No way. It would kill him.”
“Then tell Nobody how you feel. You need to own up to it, for yourself…with someone.”
I thought about what she'd said. “So do you think I'm polyamorous?” I asked, praying that they'd say yeah and that it was not my fault. That it was just my nature.
Reggie said no immediately. Nora said no, too, but only after a few seconds.
“Why? I'm thinking about two men?” I looked between them. They were sharing some sort of glance.
Nora asked, “Can you picture either one of them with another person and be happy for them?”
It would have been difficult picturing Grant with another woman, but if he was happy, then I guess I could be happy for him. Then I thought of Casey and seeing him with that girl. It made me feel violent and nauseous. I didn't want to go into all of that with them though. That would make me look even worse than I already did.
“No,” I confessed.
Nora said, “Then you aren't polyamorous. It makes me happy to see my lovers with other people who make them feel good, both emotionally and physically. So, I side with your body, not your brain.”
I was back at square one. “Reggie, what do you think?”
“Reggie?” Nora choked. He gave her a look and she said no more.
“Honestly, I don't think that Grant would ever run after you like I saw—” He stopped. I had to tell him his name.
“Casey.”
“Casey run after you. Did he know who I was?”
“No.” I hadn't thought about that.
“And if that was his girlfriend and you didn't mean anything to him, he'd be getting the hell out of there when you spotted him. I saw the look he gave me. He saw how buff, as you said, I am, but it didn’t deter him in the slightest. In fact, when I mentioned the word, sister, he seemed relieved. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt. He's not a robot.”
I really wanted to call him. I wanted to hear, from him, what happened. I finished my glass of wine, poured myself another, and went to the guest room where I'd be staying.
It was getting late, but it would still be pretty early in San Francisco. If that was where he was even going. I considered texting, but I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to hear his voice when he told me what was going on.
I dialed his number.
He picked up on the second ring.
“Finally,” he said, then sighed on the other end of the line. Texting was fun, but actually calling on the phone felt so much more intimate. Faintly hearing him breathe healed something that was wounded in me.
“Hi.”
“I was hoping you'd call.” I heard his relief over the line.
“We need to talk and I thought this was better than sending messages back and forth.” The day before I’d been excited to actually hear him and I’d planned to call him for that reason. That was before her. That was before I said yes to Grant. But, my want for Casey hadn't changed.
“Are you staying with your brother?” he asked.
“Yeah, how was your flight back? Are you in San Francisco?”
He had to sit next her on the flight to California and it must have been awkward. Clearly, she wasn't a very big fan of mine.
“I didn't go back.”
He didn't go back? He didn't go back.
“Where are you?” My heart raced.
“All depends. Do you want to see me?” he asked.
Of course I wanted to see him. I wanted to talk to him. I needed to tell him how I felt. I needed to get things off my chest even if I was clearing the air with the wrong man. Nora and Reggie were right. I had to know.
“Yes,” I told him, “I really do.”
“I came back to the Omni, but it’s pretty late,” he said.
“I don't care.”
He laughed and it sounded exponentially better than my imaginary Casey-laughs, causing the thick sludge that coated my gut over the past day to clear away.
“Send me your brother's address and I'll come get you.”
Did I really want to do that? I needed advice.
“Okay. I'll text you.” Then I hung up, not waiting to see what he'd say.
When I walked into the living room I heard Reggie speaking. Nora was by the door and he was standing close to her. It appeared like either they'd just been kissing or I interrupted them right before.
“I called him,” I announced. “He didn't leave Chicago. He wants to meet with me. To talk. What should I do?”
They looked at me and Reggie took a step away from her. She straightened her dress, flattening the front with her long, slender fingers.
My brother walked to the back of a chair not far from where they stood.
“Do you want to talk to him?” he asked, but his face didn’t indicate his preference. Perhaps he didn't have one. Maybe his preference was the same as mine.
“I really do,” I said. I stuck a fingernail in my mouth again, but I didn't have anything left to bite. My fingers were puffy and sore from worrying on them. “I think I'm going to see him. What's your address?”
“750 Lake Shore Drive. Is he driving or sending someone for you?” Reggie asked.
“He's riding over in a cab to get me. We're going back to his hotel. The Omni.” My voice sounded sure and confident. I wanted to go and so I was. There wasn't anything complex about it.
“After you send him the message you'll have about twenty minutes. I'll meet you at the elevator in a few. I'm going to walk Nora to her place down the hall.”
She was already standing in the open doorway and we smiled as we waved goodbye.
I needed to clean up. Brush my teeth. I did a quick wash in the spare room's bathroom and decided it would just have to do.
When I came out of my brother's apartment, I saw him standing at the end of the hall leaning against the wall waiting for me.
He looked flushed and tense. There was definitely something going on with them. I didn’t want to be nosy, but I liked the idea of them as a couple.
As we rode down together I told him, “I like Nora.”
He did this huff thing, something that my dad often did. It was funny seeing him do it and made him seem so much older, more grown up.
“I like Nora, too,” he said as we walked through the marble lobby.
We stopped in entrance way and watched a cab pull up.
“He's a good guy, right?” he asked. Brothers.
“I think so,” I said.
My skin was tingling with anticipation. We had only agreed to talk. We were only going to talk.
“I'm not this kind of girl, Reggie. I don't do stuff like this,” I said softly.
“I know.” He looked at me. “That's what makes me kind of like him, too.” Then he nodded at the street. My eyes followed his to the man who made my skin prickle with anticipation.
I'd felt it earlier, but with everything going on, all I could see was them together. He stepped away from the taxi, wearing a loose green T-shirt and cargo shorts. He looked like a wild mess, but it was all him.
His hair was crazy and he had a few days’ worth of stubble. Yet, at the same time, he looked as new and fresh as could be. When he saw me standing inside the door, he gave the most gorgeous full-faced smile. In my mind, Christmas trees lit, kittens played with yarn, and I was polyamorous. Everything was right.
He held my gaze for a few seconds and when he noticed Reggie he made the strangest face at him. Casey's grinning lips went off to the side in a boyish, this-is-a-little-awkward sort of way.
Reggie chuckled and we stood there while Casey made his way inside.
Reggie teased, “You're blushing. You don't blush for the robot.”
“No. I'm not,” I said, but I could feel that he wasn't just blowing me shit. My face felt like it was on fire.
Casey walked up to my brother, like he'd known him forever, and shook his hand. “It's nice to meet you,” he greeted. Then, as smoothly as he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, he whispered, “You look pretty,” in my ear.
Men don't say things like that to nobodies.
Reggie said, “I'll see you later. Be careful.” He looked at Casey and said, “You be careful, too,” and walked away.
His eyes were shining brighter than bluish-green gems under a jewelry case. It could have been the lighting in the grand entrance of my brother’s building, but I told myself it was something else. He tried to subdue his huge smile, but he couldn’t hide the expression in his eyes.
“We have a lot to talk about,” he said. “Come on.”
Casey held my hand in both of his and walked backward out the hotel doors and to the waiting cab like he couldn’t take his eyes off me.
In the cab he'd look at my lips, then steal himself away grinning, just to do it all over again.
Lips. Grin. Repeat.
He was blissful and easy going, none of the stress in his face like earlier at the airport. His contented energy was contagious and put me at ease.
I had a suspicious feeling I'd be falling asleep happy that night.