We had to do it several times because the actors playing the disciples would always break up and ruin the take. But we finally got a good one.
Our set photographer captured the scene beautifully. It looked exactly like Da Vinci’s The Last Supper except for me holding a big silver serving platter (which looked like a huge halo) behind John Hurt’s head. It so happened that at this time my wife Anne’s parents, Millie and Mike Italiano, had come to visit and were staying with us in California. I put a copy of that set photo of The Last Supper in their guest bedroom. They were both good Catholics and loved the picture—never noticing me as the waiter holding the silver platter!
The Roman Empire section of the movie was filled with very talented actors like Dom DeLuise as Emperor Nero, Madeline Kahn as Empress Nympho, Shecky Greene as Marcus Vindictus, Rudy De Luca as Captain Mucus, Bea Arthur as the unemployment office clerk, Henny Youngman as a pharmacist, Howard Morris as the court spokesman, and Ron Clark and Jack Riley as Roman soldiers. Overall, I think I had more comics in History of the World, Part I than maybe any other movie ever made. Needless to say, they were all wonderful in their roles.
And here’s me as a waiter at the Last Supper, right behind John Hurt as Jesus. I’m no art critic, but I kind of like this version better than Da Vinci’s.
I played Comicus, a stand-up philosopher at Caesars Palace. For the exterior of the palace, I indulged myself in a private joke and used the hotel exterior of Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Richard Pryor was signed to play Josephus, the palace wine steward and my sidekick and buddy. Next to me it was the biggest part in the Roman Empire section. We were supposed to shoot on a Monday, and the Friday before, we got terrible news. Richard was suddenly taken to the burn center at Sherman Oaks hospital after he had a bad accident at home. I rushed over to the hospital to see him. He was in sad shape. The doctor assured me he would recover, but it would be in a few months. I was so relieved to know he would eventually be okay.
But what to do, what to do? No Richard Pryor for Monday’s shooting.
I called in the cast of the Roman Empire and explained the situation. There would be no shooting on Monday. We were all depressed, but Madeline Kahn saved the day. She told me all about this actor she’d recently worked with in New York. His name was Gregory Hines, and he had just gone solo after working with his dad and brother in their act “Hines, Hines and Dad.” She raved about his dancing and his winning personality. She thought he could step right in and play the Richard Pryor role, Josephus.
I immediately called Gregory and he was on a plane the next day. It was an amazing turn of fate, just like the Gig Young episode where Gene Wilder flew out to save me in Blazing Saddles. Madeline wasn’t wrong—Gregory Hines was sensational. When Gregory as Josephus the wine steward begins to pour a decanter of wine into Empress Nympho’s (Madeline Kahn’s) wine goblet he says, “Say when.”
She immediately responds with, “Eight-thirty.”
Gregory’s take brought down the house. We even opened the role to include a part where he could show his wonderful dancing. Another great bounce!
Albert Whitlock not only created magnificent matte paintings for the Roman Empire with backgrounds like the Roman Senate and the Colosseum, he also once again did a bit part for me in the role of a used-chariot salesman. Kicking the tires of a chariot, he shouts, “Chariots! Used chariots! Low mileage. They’re great!”
There were moments in the Roman Empire that tickle me to this day. One of them is Bea Arthur as the unemployment office clerk. We see a line of ancient Roman unemployment benefit seekers. Here’s how she addresses the guy in line just before me:
Clerk (Bea Arthur): Occupation?
Man: Gladiator
Clerk: Did you kill last week?
Man: No
Clerk: Did you try to kill last week?
Man: Yeah.
Clerk: Now, listen; this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we’re going to have to change your status. You got it?
Man: Yeah.
And then it’s my turn.
Clerk (Bea Arthur): Next! Occupation?
Comicus (me): Stand-up philosopher.
Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapor of human experience into a viable and logical comprehension.
Clerk: Oh, a bullshit artist!
Bea was great.
Another laugh that I remember was Ron Carey as my agent, Swiftus Lazarus, who calls me nuts. He says, “You are nuts! N-V-T-S, nuts!”
The audience also got a big kick out of my depiction of the Roman Senate. The leader of the Senate, played wonderfully by John Myhers, addresses the Roman forum with:
Leader of Senate: O fellow members of the Roman Senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the Senate vote?
The entire Senate rises to its feet and shouts:
Entire Senate: F**K THE POOR!
The funny and talented cast of “The Roman Empire” in History of the World, Part I. Left to right: Gregory Hines as Josephus, Mary-Margaret Humes as Miriam, Howie Morris as the court spokesman, Dom DeLuise as Emperor Nero, me as Comicus, Ron Carey as Swiftus, Madeline Kahn as Empress Nympho, Shecky Greene as Marcus Vindictus, and Rudy De Luca as Captain Mucus.
I also remember two Roman senators speaking on their way to the forum. One of the senators was played by my lawyer Alan U. Schwartz, and the other by Jay Burton, who was a dear friend and one of Bob Hope’s top comedy writers.
Alan as the first senator says, “Sic transit gloria.”
And Jay replies, “I didn’t know Gloria was sick?” A cheap laugh, but a laugh’s a laugh.
* * *
—
When the idea to do a musical version of the Spanish Inquisition hit me, I thought it might be too much of a risk. Was I sticking my chin out a little too far? I mean after all, the Spanish Inquisition was a terrible period of persecution and horror for the Jews of that time. But the challenge of taking big risks and pulling it off was always kind of thrilling. I couldn’t resist. I immediately called Ronny Graham, my musical partner in crime. In less than two weeks we came up with a terrific and dangerous song called “The Inquisition.”
* * *
—
Me as Torquemada, leading a chorus of inquisitors singing, “We know you’re wishin’ that we’d go away, but the Inquisition’s here, and it’s here to stay!”
A short example, here’s how it starts:
chief monk (phil leeds): [spoken]
All pay heed! Now enters his holiness Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition!
Torquemada; do not employ him for compassion
Torquemada; do not beg him for forgiveness
Torquemada; do not ask him for mercy
…Let’s face it, you can’t Torquemada anything!
Then as Torquemada I enter, sliding down a circular slide into view and begin to sing:
Torquemada: [singing]
The Inquisition, let’s begin
The Inquisition, look out sin
We have a mission