All Your Perfects

I walk over to the sink and turn on the water. My hands are shaking, so I wash them in warm water, hoping the lavender soap helps calm my nerves. I dry them and then look at them in the mirror, trying to convince myself I wasn’t that affected by Graham. But I was. They’re still shaking.

For six months I’ve wanted to call him, but for six months I’ve talked myself out of it. And now, knowing he’s moved on and he’s with someone else, I might have blown my chance. Not that I wanted one. I still hold fast to the belief that he would remind me too much of what happened. If I do decide to start something up with someone, I’d want it to be someone brand-new. Someone completely unrelated to the worst days of my life.

Someone like Jason, maybe?

“Jason,” I whisper. I should get back to my date.

When I open the door, Graham is still in the same spot. Still looking at me with his head tilted. I stop short and the door hits me in the back when it swings shut, pushing me forward a step.

I glance toward the end of the hallway and then look back at Graham. “Were we not finished?”

He inhales a slow breath as he takes a step toward me. He stops only a foot from me this time, sliding both hands back into his pockets. “How are you?” His voice is quiet, like it’s hard for him to get it out. The way his eyes are searching mine makes it obvious he’s referring to everything I’ve been through with the breakup. Calling off the wedding.

I like the sincerity in his question. I’m feeling all the same comfort his presence brought me that night six months ago. “Good,” I say, nodding a little. “A few residual trust issues, but other than that I can’t complain.”

He looks relieved. “Good.”

“What about you?”

He stares at me a moment, but I don’t see what I’m hoping to see in his eyes. Instead, I see regret. Sadness. Like maybe he still hasn’t recovered from losing Sasha. He shrugs, but doesn’t answer with words.

I try not to let my pity show, but I think it does. “Maybe this new girl will be better than Sasha. And you’ll finally be able to get over her.”

Graham laughs a little. “I’m over Sasha,” he says with conviction. “Pretty sure I was over Sasha the moment I met you.”

He gives me absolutely zero time to absorb his words before he throws more of them at me. “We better get back to our dates, Quinn.” He turns and walks out of the hallway.

I stand still, dumbfounded by his words. “Pretty sure I was over Sasha the moment I met you.”

I can’t believe he just said that to me. He can’t say something like that and then just walk away! I stalk after him, but he’s already halfway to his table. I catch Jason’s eye and he smiles when he sees me, standing up. I try to compose myself, but it’s hard as I watch Graham lean down and give his date a quick kiss on the side of her head before he takes his seat across from her again.

Is he trying to make me jealous? If he is, it’s not working. I don’t have time for frustrating men. I barely have time for boring men like Jason.

Jason has walked around the table to pull out my chair for me. Before I take my seat, Graham makes eye contact with me again. I swear I can see him smirk a little. I don’t know why I stoop to his level, but I lean over and give Jason a quick kiss on the mouth.

Then I sit.

I have a clear shot of Graham as Jason walks back around to his side of the table. Graham is no longer smirking.

But I am.

“I’m ready to get out of here,” I say.





Chapter Eight




* * *





Now


Ava and I talked on the phone almost every day when she lived in Connecticut, but now that she’s halfway across the world, we seem to talk even more. Sometimes twice a day, even with the time difference.

“I have to tell you something.”

There’s a trepidation in her voice. I close my front door and walk my things to the kitchen counter. “Are you okay?” I set down my purse, pull the phone from between my shoulder and ear, and grip the phone in my hand.

“Yes,” she says. “I’m fine. It’s nothing like that.”

“Well, what is it? You’re scaring me, so it’s obviously bad news.”

“It’s not. It’s . . . good news actually.”

I sink to the living room sofa. If it’s good news, why does she sound so unhappy?

And then it clicks. She doesn’t even have to say it. “You’re pregnant?” There’s a pause. It’s so quiet on her end of the phone, I look down at mine to make sure we’re still connected. “Ava?”

“I’m pregnant,” she confirms.

Now I’m the quiet one. I put my hand against my chest, feeling the remnant pounding of my heart. For a moment, I feared the worst. But now that I know she’s not dying, I can’t help but wonder why she doesn’t sound happy. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she says. “It’s unexpected of course. Especially finding out so soon after moving here. But we’ve had a couple of days to let it sink in now. We’re actually excited.”

My eyes well up with tears but I’m not sure why I feel like crying. This is good. She’s excited. “Ava,” I whisper. “That’s . . . wow.”

“I know. You’re going to be an aunt. I mean, I know you already are because of Graham’s sister’s children, but I just never thought you’d be an aunt because of me.”

I force a smile but realize it isn’t enough, so I force a laugh. “Your mother is going to be a grandma.”

“That’s the craziest part,” she says. “She didn’t know how to take the news. She’s either drowning in martinis today or out shopping for baby clothes.”

I swallow down the immediate envy, knowing my mother knew before I did. “You . . . you told her already?”

Ava releases a sigh full of regret. “Yesterday. I would have told you first but . . . I wanted Mom’s advice. On how to tell you.”

I lean my head back against the couch. She was scared to tell me? Does she think I’m that unstable? “Did you think I’d be jealous of you?”

“No,” she says immediately. “I don’t know, Quinn. Upset, maybe? Disappointed?”

Another tear falls, but this time it isn’t a tear of joy. I quickly wipe it away. “You know me better than that.” I stand up in an attempt to compose myself, even though she can’t see me. “I have to go. Congratulations.”

“Quinn.”

I end the call and stare down at my phone. How could my own sister think I wouldn’t be happy for her? She’s my best friend. I’m happy for her and Reid. I’d never resent her for being able to have children. The only thing I resent is that she conceived so easily by accident.

Oh, God. I’m a terrible person.

No matter how much I’m trying to deny it, I do feel resentment. And I hung up on her. This should be one of the best moments of her life, but she loves me too much to be fully excited about it. And I’m being too selfish to allow that.

I immediately call her back.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out as soon as she answers.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. You’re right. I’m grateful that you were trying to be sensitive to what Graham and I are going through, but really, Ava. I am so happy for you and Reid. And I’m excited to be an aunt again.”

I can hear the relief in her voice when she says, “Thank you, Quinn.”

“There is one thing, though.”

“What?”

“You told your mother first? I will never forgive you for that.”

Ava laughs. “I regretted it as soon as I told her. She actually said, ‘But will you raise it in Europe? It’ll have an accent!’?”

“Oh, God help us.”

We both laugh.

“I have to name a human, Quinn. I hope you help me because Reid and I are never going to agree on a name.”

We chat a little longer. I ask her the typical questions. How she found out. Routine doctor’s visit. When she’s due. April. When they’ll find out what they’re having. They want it to be a surprise.

When the conversation comes to an end, Ava says, “Before you hang up . . .” She pauses. “Have you heard back from the last adoption agency you applied to?”

I stand up to walk toward the kitchen. I’m suddenly thirsty. “I have,” I tell her. I grab a water out of the refrigerator, take the cap off, and bring it to my mouth.

“That doesn’t sound good.”