I cleared my throat and we stood there in silence, surveying the land.
In retrospect, I realize we were feeling one another out. The house itself didn’t matter. Nothing could be said against that land and its absolute beauty. Thick groves of trees stood in the distance, filled with mystery, and forest carpeted the mountainside. I wanted to be there when night fell. How powerful that night would be, and the wind and the stars.
I wanted to own it. I had never conceived of owning so much land, and maybe part of the allure was the insanity of it.
And now, I thought, you have to say good-bye to it. Hannah would never— “Let’s see the house,” she said.
“What?”
“Just for fun.” She toed the earth. “We came all this way.”
I led her back to the car, the phrase “just for fun” digging at me. See the property of your dreams, just for fun! Rub salt in your wounds, just for fun!
“Honestly, I’m not sure I want to see it,” I said.
“Well, I do.”
I frowned as we got back in the car.
“Stunning, right?” Marion smiled uncertainly at us. I glared out the window. Fuck all this house-shopping, and so much for my rejuvenated mood.
“It really is,” Hannah said. “Can we see the house?”
“Just for fun,” I muttered. No one heard me.
“Of course!” Marion stepped on the gas and we rolled deeper into that gorgeous world. It closed around us and filled me with longing. I must have looked like a little boy staring out the window. Can I have it, please?
Marion pointed out “improvements” as she drove: a paddock, a horse barn, another, smaller barn and a cabin.
I refused to look at Hannah, who was probably snickering.
The house stood on the northwestern side of the property, at the base of a large rock outcropping. It was, quite simply, the killing blow to my hope—a chateau-style refurbished lodge with a white stone exterior and a giant, solid joke of a front door.
A joke, yes. This house and land were a practical joke at my expense.
Nine bedrooms. Six bathrooms. Five fireplaces.
I sneered at the rustic, elegant interior. Light wood and pale stone gathered the day’s last sun. Hannah squealed in the kitchen, skirting around the granite island like a child.
“So beautiful,” she said.
“And completely modernized with new appliances,” Marion put in.
On the second floor, they tried to lure me into one of the two libraries.
“You’ll like this,” said Marion, and Hannah yanked my sleeve.
“Matt, look how many shelves this place has.”
“I don’t want to see it,” I snarled. “I’m tired.” I threw myself into a nook at the end of the hall. Hannah’s phone buzzed.
“I’ll give you two a moment.” Marion drifted down the hallway.
As Hannah thumbed her cell, I stared out the window at the blue evening.
I pretended it was all mine.
Soon, I could go for a run across the meadow, or an ambling walk with Hannah. Two hundred and ninety acres. We could get lost …
“Shit,” she said.
I snapped out of my daydream.
“What’s going on?”
“It’s … Seth. Well, Nate.” She wiggled her phone. “He texted me. Seth was in the hospital last weekend. They just released him. God, why didn’t we hear about this sooner?” She stabbed at the screen.
My dark mood shifted.
“Why was he in the hospital? Who are you texting?”
“He collapsed after a show on Friday. And I’m texting Nate.” She glared at me. “He didn’t say what happened, exactly, but I’m pretty sure we can guess…”
With Marion in hearing range, Hannah just gestured.
I snatched her phone and read her half-written text.
Out with Matt. Will call ASAP. Pls give more “More what?” I said. “Out with Matt? What the fuck? How long have you been—”
“More details, obviously. Give me that.” She pried her phone from my hand. “What is wrong with you?”
“I almost put him in the fucking hospital myself. Do you realize that? I don’t care how much he fucks up his life right now. When are you going to get that? I despise him.”
“Well, I don’t. And Nate doesn’t. When are you going to get that?”
“We are getting married, for God’s sake.” I slammed my palm into the wood-paneled wall. Hannah flinched. It was the first anger I gave that house, but not the last.
“That doesn’t mean you get to tell me how to feel about people. Your brother is sick. He’s suffering. You should empathize.”
Seth’s invisible intrusion into my night, which was already going so poorly, infuriated me. Why did Hannah continually throw herself between Seth and my rage? Couldn’t she see that she was at the heart of that rage? Seth touching her … Seth trying to take her from me …
“I am done … talking about him.” I made my voice low. It shivered with emotion. “Done for good. Stop bringing him up. I am not going to fucking forgive him.”
Tears shimmered in Hannah’s eyes—whether from frustration or sadness, I couldn’t tell.
“You are always so upset,” she said. “Always. You don’t know how to be happy.”
“That’s not fucking true.”
“It is.” The first tear rolled down her cheek, and then the next. And I hated Seth, and the possibility that she might be crying for him. “I found this listing. I actually thought you would like it. I sent it to Marion”—she snuffled loudly—“for a surprise for you. Y-you said to meet you in the middle, but there is no middle with you! You don’t like anything!”
She started to cry in earnest.
I grabbed her wrist, my eyes wide.
“What?”
“M-maybe you don’t want to live w—”
“You said you didn’t…” I stood swiftly and cradled Hannah. In spite of her anger, she clung to me. “… didn’t want to live in the sticks. I don’t understand.”
“Thirty minutes from Denver isn’t the sticks.”