A Terrible Kindness

William rolls the newspaper up and drops it in the bag, putting everything else on top of it. He places it in the corner then sits and waits, looking at Colin; his jawline, the gully of flesh between his nose and mouth, his pale pink lips. He decides when he gets back to Martin’s, he’s going to put the ‘Miserere’ on. Loud.

His back is to the door and, although they arrive in silence, he knows they are there. She’s slender, in high heels and a bright green coat, flanked by a teenage boy with shoulder-length wavy hair, and a younger girl, holding her mum’s hand with both of hers.

‘Hello.’ The chair scrapes loudly as he stands. ‘I’m William.’

‘Are you the man who rang Mum?’ says the girl who has Colin’s chin and nose. They remain in the doorway.

‘No, but I sing in a choir with your dad.’

‘We didn’t know Colin sang in a choir,’ the woman says, and then, as if by saying his name she’s suddenly aware of him in the bed, she walks forward and the children follow.

‘What happened?’ the woman asks quietly. ‘They said it was a road accident?’

‘He was hit by a car.’

‘Was he drunk?’ the girl says.

Her brother flinches. ‘Katy!’

The wife’s red nails splay across her mouth and a tear sits on her eyelash. William notices a chunk of diamond, swivelled to one side of the skinny pole of her ring finger.

‘You said he’d look different, Mum,’ says the girl. The boy takes a step nearer the bed.

‘I thought he would, darling.’ She looks up briefly at William.

‘Can he hear us?’ The boy’s deep voice has that unstable quality, as if at any moment it could veer off into a squeak.

‘I think so,’ William says, ‘he squeezed my hand when I told him you were coming.’

The girl runs round to stand next to William and takes Colin’s hand. ‘Hello, Daddy,’ she stage whispers.

The wife takes the other hand.

‘I’ll leave you to it.’ William backs away from the bed.

‘No!’ the wife says quickly, nodding at the seat in the corner. ‘Please stay. I didn’t know he had friends here.’

William sits.

‘He’s not squeezing my hand, Mummy.’

‘He’s very weak, love.’

William hadn’t planned to say anything, but finds himself speaking to the boy. ‘I know he was wondering how you were getting on in your new school – Daniel, is it?’

Surprise and pain sweep the boy’s face. He moves closer to his mother. ‘Can I, Mum?’ He holds Colin’s hand, so all William can see of it are the fresh white crescent nails. ‘School’s fine, but I still miss you.’

Five minutes later Colin stops breathing, but not before three people have said goodbye and placed a kiss on his fresh forehead.





Part V





ABERFAN





59




Martin pours them both a coffee. The morning sun whitens the curls of steam rising from the cups. They haven’t been to bed yet.

‘Where is it?’ William stands with his head on one side, flicking through Martin’s records.

‘Depends which version you want.’

‘Don’t care.’ He turns to Martin. ‘You choose.’

Martin takes two strides to stand next to William. He pulls one out almost immediately and flashes its cover briefly at William; it’s a recording from King’s College.

‘Sit,’ he says, walking to the record player.

He does as he’s told and closes his eyes. He hears the slither of the paper sleeve, the bump and crackle of the needle. Feels the give of the settee as Martin settles next to him.



‘All right?’ Martin asks twelve minutes later.

William opens his eyes and nods slowly. ‘Still here.’

‘Didn’t spontaneously combust.’ Martin smiles, then a hint of a frown creases his forehead. ‘Did you imagine you were in the chapel?’

‘Further back.’

Martin nods. ‘You listened to it with your mum.’

‘And Dad.’ He smiles. ‘On his lap, actually.’

‘Butter biscuits in close proximity?’

William laughs, and the tear tips down his face. ‘Almost certainly.’ He takes a sip of coffee and they sit in silence for a while. ‘Martin, do you think Colin held on? I mean, waited, till they’d come to say goodbye?’

Martin tilts his head. ‘Possibly. You did tell him they were coming, didn’t you?’

William sniffs and twists to face Martin. ‘Can I borrow your car for the day?’

‘Of course. What for?’

‘To go and see Mum.’

‘In that case, I’ll give you the keys, but only once you’ve had a couple of hours’ sleep.’

William looks at his watch; it’s just after six. ‘You’re right.’ He stands up. ‘If I go to bed now I could leave at ten.’

Martin pulls him into a short, fierce hug. ‘Well done, whatever happens,’ he says, close to his ear, ‘well done!’

? ? ?

By the time he drives into Mumbles, it’s early afternoon and a smooth, shining expanse of sand stretches towards the glittering water. During the hours in the car, William has resisted practising what he’s going to say. Several times though, he’s found himself smiling at the thought of his mother’s pleasure, and a sense of relief keeps stealing over him. Pulling the steering wheel right to climb the steep incline of Plunch Lane for the second time in his life, William feels the tacky pull of sweat under his arms.

The immaculate front lawn and window boxes spilling over with pink petunias, profuse yet tidy, are very Evelyn. The door to the house is stippled glass, with three strips of yellow wood emerging from the bottom left-hand corner, like inverted rays of sunshine. When he came here after the Aberfan funerals, he didn’t even manage to get out of the car. This isn’t an option now, so as soon as he’s turned the engine off, he climbs out and strides down the path. By the time he’s reached the door, his heart is thumping in his throat.

The simple two-tone bell is loud, but somehow, William can tell it’s echoing through an empty house. There’s no flicker of movement through the bobbled glass. She’s out. Nevertheless, he presses the bell again. And again.

‘She’s not here.’ A very Welsh voice comes from his left. The woman next door has stepped out onto her front garden. She’s tall and skinny, with bulky pink strips of sequins on her slippers that twinkle in the sun.

‘Do you know when she’ll be back?’

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