Alex looked at her like she was joking. “You’re trying to hide in that outfit?”
“Well, forgive me, but I didn’t know what the proper attire was for a fugitive wedding in the woods,” Red said and hid her face deeper in her coat. “I wouldn’t be here except that Charlie talked me into it. Look at the characters around us! Where did Jack and Goldilocks meet these people—a child’s nightmare?”
“Where is Froggy?” Alex asked. She couldn’t spot her formerly cursed friend anywhere in the clearing.
“He’s in the woods somewhere with Jack waiting for the wedding to begin,” Red said. “He’s Jack’s best man.”
“Oh, that’s adorable!” Alex said. “Who’s Goldilocks’s maid of honor?”
Red gave an irritated snort she didn’t mind the other guests hearing. Clearly this was a sore subject. “The horse is.”
Alex had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. “I suppose that makes sense,” Alex said. “She and Porridge have been through a lot together. You two, on the other hand, have always had a—how do I say this—teetering relationship.”
“Yes, it’s always been very give and take—I give and she takes,” Red said. “But we made up once she gave me back the diamond necklace she stole from me. She thought it was just a joke, I thought it was an act punishable by death, blah, blah, blah… but we reconciled and here I am.”
“That’s good news,” Alex said.
“So how are you doing, my dear? How’s your grandmother and everyone in the Fairy Kingdom?” Red asked. “Shimmery as always, I imagine.”
Alex let out a long sigh. “Everyone is getting ready for the big Fairy Inaugural Ball coming up. I’ll officially be a part of the Fairy Council and the Happily Ever After Assembly when it’s over,” Alex said. She hesitated to bring up the other major subject on her mind, but figured there weren’t too many people in her life she could talk about it with. “And, I sort of met a boy.”
Red did a double take and yanked off her glasses. Her big blue eyes grew even bigger and a crooked smile stretched across her face. “A boy!” Red said loudly, the topic obviously so exciting she couldn’t be bothered to worry about disguising herself anymore. “Tell me everything! Where did you meet him? How old is he? How tall? What class? What race? What species?”
Alex had difficulty remembering all the questions. “He’s the son of a farmer from the Eastern Kingdom. He’s older and taller than me. And as far as I know, he’s human.”
“For now,” Red said. “Trust me, being involved with someone who has been cursed to live on and off as a grotesque creature can put a strain on the relationship. But he sounds very promising! I love a good working-class man. What’s his name?”
“Rook Robins,” Alex said, and she couldn’t help but smile just mentioning his name.
“I can tell you really like this boy,” Red said with a raised eyebrow.
Alex sighed again as she felt the butterflies reappear in her core. “I’m not sure I’m even ready for all of this,” she confided. “I just have so much on my mind these days I’m not sure it’s a good time to add a boy into the mix. I keep worrying that it may turn into something really special or really awful—and to be honest, I’m not sure which would be worse.”
“Oh, Alex, you need to relax and just enjoy the moment,” Red said. “You only have a first love once. What’s the worst that could happen?”
“I could get my heart broken and take my aggression out by enslaving the world like the Enchantress did,” Alex said matter-of-factly.
“That’s a tad extreme,” Red said. “But you’re nothing like her so you have nothing to worry about.”
“Who’s to say I’m not?” Alex said. “This is the first time something like this has ever happened to me. If I’m not prepared enough going into it, I might be scarred for life!”
Red placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled warmly. “The first cut is always the deepest, but not every cut leaves a scar,” she said. “If you spend your whole life worrying about getting hurt, then you aren’t really living. You don’t want to shield yourself so much from the bad stuff that nothing good gets to you, either. Meeting up with a cute boy who likes you isn’t going to hurt you.”
“Thanks, Red, that was really insightful,” Alex said, a little surprised Red had so much knowledge on the topic.
“Well, if there’s one thing I know a lot about it’s first loves,” Red said. “Then again, when I was fourteen I ruined two lives by trying to be with the boy I liked, so I’m not sure how good the advice I’m giving you is. There’s a thin line between in love and insane—and I crossed it many times. But looking back, had I not experienced all those awful things I would never have met Charlie, so in the long run it was all worth it.”
They smiled at each other. Red was probably the closest thing to a big sister Alex would ever have. Red had spent years of her life chasing after a boy she could never have, and yet here she was today, happily supporting him at his wedding to another woman. Red had come a very long way, and if Red could overcome heartbreak, Alex figured she could, too.
“So when do you see him next?” Red asked.
“Tomorrow evening,” Alex said. “We’re going for a walk.”
“Oh, how adorable! I’ve always wondered what poor people do for their first dates,” Red said. “I insist you stop by my castle tomorrow before you see him. We can talk about boys and I can help you pick an outfit.”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t mind?” Alex said. “Aren’t you busy being the queen of your own kingdom and all?”
“Oh no, I’d be delighted,” Red said. “I just have this silly little meeting at the House of Progress but you can come with me and we can chat during all the boring parts.”
“What’s the House of Progress?” Alex asked. Surely she must have heard her incorrectly.
“Didn’t I tell you?” Red said. “It’s just like that place you were telling me about from your world, the one with all the representatives?”
“Congress?” Alex asked.
“Yes, that’s the one!” Red said happily. “I decided to copy it! I have a representative from each neighborhood in the Red Riding Hood Kingdom help me make all the decisions. That way every decision is a well-rounded one and I can’t be solely blamed for anything that goes wrong. But Congress sounded so dreary and bleak; I wanted my house of representatives to sound promising and uplifting. I thought Queen Red Riding Hood’s House of Progress had such a better ring to it.”
There was movement in the trees around them. They could hear several people approaching the clearing from different parts of the forest.
“Speaking of ring, I think the wedding is about to start,” Alex said.
Like clockwork, as the sun began to set in the horizon the remaining wedding guests emerged from the trees around them. Each guest was shadier than the next. There was an ogre covered in yellow warts who took a seat in the front. He was followed by a woman with bright red eyes who knew the witch in the back and sat beside her. A rugged dwarf led a blind dwarf with two eye patches to a seat near Alex and Red. A goblin couple with green-scaled skin sat in front of them.
A woman covered in maroon robes sat close to Alex and Red. The only part of her body that was exposed was her beautiful green eyes. She seemed friendly enough, but like Red, Alex didn’t want to make herself too known in this environment.
Red looked to the sky and took deep breaths, trying to fight off the anxiety that the newcomers caused her. A loud swoosh made Alex jump as Mother Goose swooped down from the sky on Lester’s back. They landed at the front of the clearing and Mother Goose took her place behind the stone pulpit. She took a large swig from a flask she had hidden in her hat and cleared her throat before starting the ceremony.
“Hello, ladies, gentlemen, and whatever the rest of you are,” Mother Goose said. “We understand a lot of you are on a tight schedule due to being on the run from the law, or have tried to eat or kill each other in the past, so we’ll make this celebration as short and sweet as possible to avoid any discomfort. Let the wedding begin!”
The crowd cheered, which was an interesting combination of hoots, hollers, and growls. Jack and Charlie, the man forever known as Froggy to the twins, appeared from the trees behind the pulpit. They both wore sharp dress shirts and looked as handsome and charming as ever. Jack looked as anxious as Red about being there, but in a good way.
A soft series of thumps came from the back of the clearing and Alex turned to see a white-and-brown-spotted foal walking down the aisle. He held a basket of rose petals in his mouth and was breathing very heavily, blowing the petals out of the basket and scattering them across the ground with every exhale.
“That’s adorable! Who is he?” Alex whispered to Red.
“That’s Porridge’s new son,” Red whispered back. “They call him Oats.”
Not too long after Oats reached the front of the clearing, his cream-colored mother trotted down the aisle behind him with a bouquet of daisies in her mouth. Once she joined her son and the others by the pulpit she quickly chewed up the flowers in her mouth and swallowed them.
“Everyone, if you still have your legs, please stand for the bride,” Mother Goose asked.
The guests stood and turned to the back of the clearing. Red stayed seated until Alex pulled her up to her feet.
A flock of sparrows perched high in the trees began to sing a beautiful ballad as Goldilocks appeared. She was stunning. She wore a simple but elegant white lacy dress with a long train. She was barefoot and her golden locks of hair flowed all the way down to her waist. Wildflowers had been wrapped around the handle of her sword and she carried it down the aisle like a bouquet. It was beautiful but lethal, just like Goldilocks.
Despite all the gruesome guests, no one could deny that the ceremony had turned out to be beautiful. Goldilocks arrived at the pulpit and she and Jack faced Mother Goose with tears of joy in their eyes.
“Well, sit down already,” Mother Goose ordered the crowd. Once they’d obeyed she continued officiating. “Four score and seven years ago—whoops, wrong speech! sorry—Dearly beloved, we are gathered God knows where today to celebrate the joining of these two wanted fugitives.”
Mother Goose turned to face Jack. “Jack, do you take Goldilocks, a woman charged with countless burglaries, breaking and entering, and running from the law—”
“Don’t forget attempted murder!” Red called toward the pulpit.
“I wasn’t going to,” Mother Goose said. “And attempted murder, to be your outlawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, in arrest and in imprisonment, until death do you part?”
There was no question in Jack’s mind. “I do,” he said with the biggest smile he had ever been seen with.
Mother Goose turned to Goldilocks. “Goldilocks, do you take this man, a national hero whose reputation you single-handedly ruined, to be your outlawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, in arrest and in imprisonment, until death do you part?”
Goldilocks had never looked so happy in her life. “I do,” she said.
“Well, in that case let’s get this thing over with!” Mother Goose called out. “With the power semi-entrusted in me by the Happily Ever After Assembly, I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the—”
Before she could permit it, Jack and Goldilocks locked lips and their crowd of guests cheered wildly. Once they were done kissing, they climbed astride Porridge and galloped back down the aisle and off into the sunset with Oats following closely behind.
Mother Goose snapped her fingers and a sign magically appeared over Porridge’s back. It read: