Maren’s chin wobbles as she stares down at her father. “He loved with his whole heart. He gave without question. He deserves to have peace.”
His daughter, the girl who loves her father enough to do the most outrageous thing to make him happy, is being so strong. My heart breaks for her as she grapples with letting go of someone she doesn’t want to. For the love of him, she’ll let go so he can be without pain.
If that’s not unconditional love, I don’t know what is.
“Daddy.” Maren’s voice cracks. “You have been my rock in this world and I am going to miss you so much. Know that you have been the best father any girl could ever ask for, but it’s time. It’s time to be with Grandpa. Go see Nana and ask her to make you some tea, but make sure she hides the sugar lumps because you’re only allowed one. Go to heaven where there’s no pain and you can breathe again.” Maren sniffs and drops to her knees, still holding his hand. “Tell Mommy I love her. Tell her all about me and how much I wish she could’ve seen me grow. I’ll be here, Daddy, making you proud, and I’m sorry if I ever gave you a reason not to be.” She stands, leans over and kisses his forehead. “I love you. I love you so much.”
She looks to me, her tears a constant stream down her face.
Linda clears her throat. “I don’t know how to live without you, Patrick, but I’m going to have to learn.” Maren gets up, putting her father’s hand in both of Linda’s. “I have loved you more than I ever knew I could. It’s okay, Patrick. I’ll see you soon, my love. Wait for me in Heaven.”
Maren makes her way over to me and I wrap my arms around her. The room is silent, save for the slow breaths that Patrick takes. Linda stays at her husband’s side, and even though she’s not very kind to my wife, it’s clear she loves her husband very much. I can’t help but wonder if Maren will still be at my side when it’s my time to go.
Is that what I want?
I’ve fought against the idea of it.
But standing here now, holding Maren, I know I have enough hope to dream of it.
Not the dying part, but the love.
I could love her so easily. I can see a future where we’re happy and live the lives my brothers and Stella are currently living. Kids, happiness, love, and family matter, but how can I trust this?
I’m not sure I can. I’ve allowed myself to think this was possible before—twice. Both times ended with me being a fool who walked away to make them happy. I don’t want to walk away this time.
I want her to stand here and want me. Not because it’s easy but because she can’t imagine her life without me.
The fear of losing her grips me so tightly that it’s hard to breathe.
I release her and Maren walks over to her father. She and Linda speak to him softly, holding his hand as his chest rises and falls a little slower with each pass. The sounds of their quiet cries echo around me.
She’s going to lose him and my heart is breaking for her. “You are so loved,” Maren whispers.
I close my eyes and tell him what I wish I could say aloud.
I’ll take care of her. I won’t fail your daughter.
They start to cry a little harder. “It’s okay, Daddy. It’s okay.”
And then he exhales and doesn’t draw another breath.
“The service was nice,” Aunt Marie says to Maren for the third time.
“Yes, it was.”
“And the casket was too,” Eileen follows up. “I’ve never seen that marble detail on the sides before.”
Maren sighs heavily and nods. Today has been incredibly hard on her. The funeral was yesterday and today, and we just said our final goodbye at the cemetery. While one might think that, after the moments that Linda and Maren shared prior to Patrick passing, some healing had taken place, it hasn’t. I’ve been stunned at every turn by the way Linda has purposely set out to exclude Maren.
Instead of allowing Maren to speak, Linda did the eulogy and spoke only about her time with Patrick. There was a brief mention of him having a daughter, but that was it. Maren wasn’t seated in the front row. She’d been directed to sit off to the side with the rest of her family. Linda’s nephew, sister, and cousins sat up front.
With every slight from Linda, Maren sank deeper and deeper into herself. Each little thing wounded her further.
We’re at her family’s rental house to get some space so she doesn’t choke her ex-stepmother, which I’ve also come dangerously close to doing.
John comes up behind us, placing his hand on Maren’s shoulder. “She’s a bitch.”
For the first time since we left the cemetery, Maren looks alive as she turns to her uncle. “How could she do that to us?”
Marie sighs. “Because some people are just vile, honey. We can’t explain it because it doesn’t make sense. Don’t you let what she did to you diminish anything. Your father loved you more than anything.”
“I have tried.”
John shrugs. “She doesn’t deserve another minute of your thoughts.”
Maren gives him a hug. “Thank you.”
“Now, no more tears. Your father would want us to eat and talk about how wonderful he was.”
She laughs a little. “Yeah, he would.”
“Well, we can handle the food part,” Eileen says.
For the next few hours, we all sit around and just talk. Maren holds my hand most of the time as she talks about her father. They all tell stories, remembering his love of his permed hair in the 70s and how, when Marie got breast cancer, he shaved his head in solidarity. According to them, he sobbed the entire time.
We laugh, drink wine, and eat.
When I die, I hope this is what my siblings do.
Let them remember with joy instead of sorrow.
My phone rings, and the number is from Willow Creek Valley. “I need to grab this,” I say before kissing her temple and standing.
“Hello?”
“Oliver, it’s Dr. Pang, how are you?”
“I’m . . . doing okay. My father-in-law passed away four days ago, so I’m still in Georgia.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” she says sincerely. “I hate to do this now, but I got the test results and wanted to call you right away.”
I had completely forgotten about that. “Great. Do we have any answers?”
“Yes, and . . . I need to refer you to a doctor who can handle this.”
“You can’t prescribe me some drugs?”
I turn, looking through the window. Maren’s head is thrown back, her hands are clasped in front of her, and she’s laughing without restraint. She looks so beautiful, so happy, and I will do anything to keep her happy.
My sister was right, I needed to be here. Not just for her but also for myself. I needed to see how stupid it was to think I could close myself off and be okay.
I love this woman.
I love her, and I’m married to her, and I never want to be without her.
“Oliver, the blood work came back irregular, and the biopsy shows that you have cancer. You need to come home and see an oncologist—immediately.”
Twenty-Seven
MAREN
I pull into the driveway of my beach cottage, feeling as if I could sleep for days, and when I move to open the door to my car, Devney is there, opening it for me.
“Hey, Mare,” Devney says, backing up so I can get out.