Mathias’s deep, calming voice brings me back to tonight. “Sorry.” I muster a small smile. “Life has been upside down for so long that things like parents and sleeping in a bedroom now feel alien.”
“I know what you mean,” he says, a dark lock falling into his eye. His Zodai-style haircut has grown out.
Amanta put our clothes in the refresher and lent us outfits to sleep in. I’m wearing one of Egon’s old shirts—it falls a little higher than my knees, and the neckline slings across my shoulder. Mathias is in a pair of sweats and no shirt. Every time he moves, the lines of his chest and arms readjust, and I can almost see the muscles working beneath his skin.
When the impulse to touch him grows louder than my thoughts, I ask, “Can I borrow your Wave?” Mine is still locked up, in case Ophiuchus can activate the tutorial Ephemeris.
I use Mathias’s Wave to try to reach Dad and Stanton, but I can’t get through. I know they’ve most likely lost theirs, but I keep hoping I’ll see them on the other end of the line. “I’ll ask the embassy to try locating them tomorrow,” says Mathias soothingly.
“Thanks.” I Wave Nishi’s Tracker next, but she doesn’t answer. No one is going to rescue me from being alone with Mathias, and Mathias’s muscles, and Mathias’s silence.
Earlier, we took turns showering, and it was amazing to feel real water on my skin and hair again. While I dried my curls, Mathias cleaned the gunk off his boots; and now, in spite of my protests, he’s doing the same with mine. He looks so serious, drawing his eyebrows together as he works bits of mud from the seams. The careful movements of his hands make me ache with guilt.
Before we got to Virgo, when he walked in on Hysan and me, he told me to remember who I am. Even though I’m still figuring it out, there are things I already know. Like I know I’m not a liar, and I don’t like secrets.
I shouldn’t have kept Hysan’s snooping from Mathias. Not because it was a big deal—I’m sure Hysan didn’t take anything—but because it’s not who I am. Mathias was right to refuse the veil collars from the start of our journey. We may have to fight, but we can’t lose sight of what we’re fighting for.
How are we saving Cancer if we lose our Cancrian values in the process?
“Rho, about your speech to the Plenum,” says Mathias, pausing to wipe the toe of my boot even though it’s already clean. “Maybe you shouldn’t mention Ophiuchus.”
Everything down to the thoughts in my head freezes. “What do you mean?”
He turns the boot over to inspect the heel. “The ambassadors will be hard to convince. I just think you might do better by sticking to facts you can prove, for now.”
The room darkens, as if someone’s dimmed the lights. “You don’t believe me. Still. After Virgo, after all you’ve seen.”
“Make your case about the Psy attack,” he says, his tone pleading. “You can prove that with the ship’s log, and Moira will back you. Why bring in a children’s story when you don’t have to? You know it makes people tune out.”
I can’t believe Mathias is asking me to lie. After everything he’s said about Hysan, now he’s telling me to be exactly like him. To lie to my people for their own good.
I remember the day of my swearing-in ceremony, when Nishi confronted me with her theory about Ophiuchus. I remember for a moment that I’d considered not mentioning Ochus to my Advisors so that I’d be taken seriously.
Then I remember Leyla’s words and Agatha’s blessing and Nishi’s commitment, and I know why I can’t lie: I would lose my way.
“Talk to me,” whispers Mathias. “You can’t just get upset when you disagree.”
I want to speak, but anger is once again building up in my chest. Mathias still doesn’t trust me. He can’t vouch for my account of the truth because he didn’t see all the things I saw. He didn’t see the warnings for Thebe or Virgo either, and I was proven right both times . . . but still he refuses to see that I’m right about Ophiuchus.
The anger clogs my throat with a powerless fury. There’s nothing I can do to prove I’m right to Mathias, short of opening my Ephemeris and calling Ochus here, right now.
“Rho.” Mathias sets down my boots and kneels on the floor in front of me. “I live to serve you. You know that. I’m just trying to help you make a stronger case. I want the Houses on our side.”
“Thank you,” I say, taking his hands and pulling him up. “I just need some sleep.”
“Of course, I’ll go,” he says, though he sounds a little sad. I feel the sadness, too—and I realize that under different circumstances, tonight could have gone another way.
“I’ll be in the den if you need anything.”
When Mathias leaves, I lie in the dark for a long time. It’s not his fault he doesn’t believe me. I know he’s trying. It just goes against every grain of his nature to take something this outlandish at face value. Until now, his skepticism bothered me, but his loyalty was enough.