I shake my head. “It’s . . . me.” I’m not even sure what I mean. Some days, I wake up believing I can do this . . . and other days, I still think of myself as that lonely girl in the solarium. Hysan slides my chin up with his hand, tilting my face so I’ll meet his gaze.
At that exact moment, Mathias comes to my door. When he sees Hysan touching me, color drains from his features, and he marches away.
Caasy pokes his head in right after. “Breakfast, anyone?” He looks Hysan and me over, a mean smile stretching the length of his face.
“Mathias, wait!” I push past Caasy into the hall. “We weren’t doing anything.”
Mathias whirls around. His face is a savage white mask, and I flinch backward. “Have you forgotten the Taboo?” he thunders. “You’re a Guardian. Sex between Guardians is forbidden.”
Hearing the word sex slung out like that by Mathias embarrasses me. I don’t like that he assumes he gets a say in every part of my life, and I hate feeling constantly judged by him. “We weren’t . . . it was nothing like that.”
He glowers at me. “Remember who you are.”
Who I am. A week ago, I was an Academy Acolyte, and the only variable in my future was my admissions decision from Zodai University.
Mathias was made for this. Being a Zodai runs in his blood. He’s put so much effort into his training that he graduated first in his class at the university. He was recruited into the Royal Guard at twenty-one. He knows who he is.
But I feel like Hysan. Before I even had a chance to figure myself out, the stars did it for me. My life is a speeding train I’m constantly racing to catch.
“I’m not sure who I am, Mathias,” I say finally.
“Then let me help you.” His midnight-blue eyes harden into steel. “He’s forbidden, and I’m too old.”
22
WE’RE APPROACHING VIRGO, and I’m locked in my cabin, mortified. I don’t see how I can face Mathias or Hysan ever again.
It’s only when I remind myself that my people have just suffered the worst disaster in Zodiac history and another House may be assaulted any minute that I snap out of my self-indulgent bad mood and leave the room. Fair or not, I don’t get to be a girl who mopes about boys.
As I approach the front of the ship, Mathias and Hysan are shouting at each other from opposite sides of the nose, while Caasy’s hanging out in the middle, sucking a grape-colored snack from a squeeze-tube, his tunnel eyes large and entranced. When I enter, they fall silent.
“There you are, oh divine one.” Caasy ogles me in an exaggerated impression of a lovesick schoolboy. “Your heavenly splendor is blinding me, your magnificent, Motherly holiness.”
Hysan and Mathias busy themselves with different screens. They set the ship down at the far end of the busy Virgo spaceport, and because we’re veiled, no one bothers us.
Hysan’s changed into a muted black court suit. “Time to dematerialize,” he says, touching his collar.
Mathias frowns. “Why do we need veils here?”
“Do they shield us from the Psy?” I ask Hysan hopefully.
“Unfortunately, no.” He lifts one shoulder. “These collars refract light. They make us invisible, nothing more.”
“In that case, I won’t be needing mine.” Mathias yanks off his collar and drops it on the console.
I lay mine down, too. Partly because I don’t like the secrecy, but mostly to make up with Mathias. Hysan just arches an eyebrow and lays his collar beside mine.
Caasy mutters, “I must update my scoreboard when we return.” I shoot him a death glare so he’ll can it before we get to Moira. He smiles penitently, pretending to get the message.
House Virgo’s largest planet is Tethys, a massive green-and-brown sphere with much stronger gravity than I’m used to. Just walking across the landing pad is strenuous. I feel like I’m carrying another person on my back. If the atmosphere weren’t so highly oxygenated, I’d be gasping for breath.
As soon as we announce ourselves to the Guards and they get word to Moira, she sends out an unmanned hover-car to take us to her capital city. Sleek burnished gold, bearing the green peridot glyph of House Virgo, the self-guided car is more magnificent than any vehicle I’ve ever seen on Cancer.
As we’re getting in, Hysan says, “She’s converted her lesser planets and moons for agriculture. Every House in the galaxy buys Virgo grain.”
“Speaking of food,” interjects Caasy, “we’re running low. You go on ahead. I’ll stay here and check the shops in the spaceport.”
“You don’t want to visit Moira?” I ask, surprised.
“A fine chef prefers to choose his own ingredients.” He gives me a cagey smile. “Go on, please. Moira and I are not the best of friends.”
He snaps a mock salute, then trundles off. He looks so innocent, a tawny cherub with bouncing curls. I wonder what he’s really up to.
The rest of us climb in, and Mathias scans the interior of the car for surveillance devices. Hysan cracks a scornful smirk. “You really don’t have to do that.”
Mathias ignores him. “Center your mind, Rho. Say your meditation chant.”