But the glare she gave him stopped him cold. “Don’t make me despise you, Cal. Please, don’t say anything that will hurt me more than you already have.”
He slumped back, his mind reeling at her words as he watched her go into the bathroom and shut the door against him. He thought he had fixed things. How foolish to believe that he could repair such colossal damage with only a few words.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Separation
I insisted on training alone over the next two days. I didn’t want the constant reminder of Cal’s impending betrayal and worse, his pitiful eyes staring at me, begging me to forgive him. He had made his choice. The Order came first.
The worst part was that now I saw it as inevitable, the idea that I would fail was so firmly stuck in my mind that I couldn’t shake my doubt. Even though Cal had said I was ready, I didn’t feel ready anymore. I felt lost and terrified and alone.
As I was transitioning from the treadmill to the punching bag, wrapping my hands in tape to protect them, Lance strolled into the gym. His quick glance at the door told me that he hadn’t expected to find me there alone.
“Don’t look so scared, Lance. I’m not going to bite.”
Lance gave me a lopsided grin as he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “Where’s Cal?”
I shrugged as I continued to wrap the tape, winding it along my wrist and crisscrossing over my knuckles. “Don’t know.”
“Oh.” He pointed toward the door. “Do you want me to leave?”
I bit my bottom lip as I glanced at him, my eyes narrowing. “You knew too, right? About Cal having to kill me if I fail to kill Lazarus?”
Lance’s face blanched, but he boldly met my glare. “Yeah, I knew. All of the Hunters know, and we all took the same vow. When word spread that you might be Lazarus’s bride, we all understood what that meant.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and shifted my eyes to my hands, busying myself to keep the tears at bay, suddenly feeling the cutting edge of betrayal again. I was marked for death all right, and it was by the people I’d grown to trust and care about.
Lance took a step toward me but froze when I snapped my gaze up to him. “You’re all a bunch of assholes.”
Lance nodded. “Yeah, you’ve got that right. We’re a bunch of lemmings. Bound to the Order, committed to doing whatever we must to push forward our agenda, even at the cost of what we hold most dear. Stupid fucking assholes, if you ask me.”
Startled by his admission, I lost some of the anger burning through me. “What? You don’t agree? Aren’t you betraying the Order by even thinking against them?”
Lance shrugged as he moved toward the treadmill I’d just vacated. “I’ve never been one to follow all of the rules. I’m a bit of a rogue.” He winked, disarming me even more. “I don’t agree with the choices that are being made. I wouldn’t do it myself, kill a Huntress. But I understand for someone like Cal, why he thinks he must.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? It’s okay for him to kill me because he has a special reason to?”
Lance shook his head as he punched in the speed and track he wanted to run, then started with a slow jog. He glanced over at me. “All he has ever known has been this place. He’s been drilled—”
“Brainwashed.”
“Fine, brainwashed, into believing that the Order comes first. He’s torn right now, a mess. On the one hand, he has this sense of duty, of loyalty, to the Order because it’s been his life, and on the other hand, he has you. Someone who he’s unexpectedly developed feelings for. Strong feelings.” He glanced away for a moment and when he looked back at me, his expression was grim. “His mother was a bride of Lazarus. The last one before you.”
I gasped as I raised my hand to cover my mouth.
“She betrayed the Order and succumbed to Lazarus’s thrall. His father killed her for it. That’s why he’s so fucked up over this. It’s shitty luck that you have a link to the king but he carries this legacy on his back—this expectation that because his father made the ultimate sacrifice, so should he.”
Sorrow for Cal and what he must have gone through to lose his own mother that way cascaded over me.
Lance sighed. “He doesn’t believe you’ll fail. He has such faith in you that he thinks you can’t possibly lose. There are others who think the opposite, but Cal believes in you. He loves you, and it’s tearing him up to know that he’s hurt you.”
I lowered my hand and shook my head. “Did he send you in here to talk to me?”
Lance chuckled as he tapped the buttons, increasing his speed to a faster jog. “No, he’s told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t want me talking to you about this. But like I said, I don’t tend to follow orders very well.”