He stopped as if slapped, his eyes narrowing.
“Do you have any idea how demeaning that is? How…how…sexist?” I pointed at him, stabbing the air with vigor. “I’m not loose, Caleb. All I ask for, all any woman would ask for, is someone to care about her. Maybe I don’t deserve that kind of respect and love, maybe it’s just not meant to be for me, but for the first time in my life I feel like I have some measure of control over what happens. The thought of having sex with you…” I swallowed uncomfortably, nearly choking on the words I was trying to force out. “Well, I’m not going to deny that there is something between us. I won’t deny that I want you like I’ve never wanted another man in my life. But I won’t warp intimacy just because it’s a byproduct of some magical bond, not if it’s supposed to be more. And I feel like it is…supposed to be more than just a physical thing.” I shrugged as I uttered my last words, suddenly feeling silly for speaking my heart to a near stranger.
“It’s just the attraction you’re feeling, lust,” he offered, with no conviction in his voice. “That something you feel, the attraction between us, is supposed to be there. It doesn’t mean we’re meant to fall in love.”
My anger flared, eradicating all other emotions as I glared back at him. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling. I didn’t say I was in love with you. I’m saying that I can’t abide the idea that after all of this is over, after I’ve given up everything to become a Huntress, to go along with this crazy plan, that I’d have to give up my dignity as well. I’m not interested in a one-night stand. I’ve been down that road and I don’t like it. It’s insulting that you admit there should be a deep emotional commitment between Hunter and Huntress, but that you won’t allow it.” I turned my back on him. “What are you really scared of, Caleb? Me dying? Or me choosing the king instead of you? You might be some big, bad Hunter to the Order, but what I see is a coward.” I didn’t give him a chance to respond, storming from the room without a backward glance.
Chapter Ten
Debriefing
Cal sighed as he melted into the chair. “Well, that went well.” So much for the no emotion thing.
A light knock sounded on the open door and he looked up to see Andrew hovering outside.
“Did Kelly see it all or did you just hear the shouting?”
Andrew moved into the room and closed the door. “Part Kelly, part shouting.” He took the seat across from Cal, the one that Morgan had been sitting in moments before. “Why didn’t you tell her what she wanted to hear?”
Cal looked up at Andrew with surprise. “What, lie to her?” He shook his head. “I can’t lie to her. She can read me—she can tell when I’m not being honest, wants to look into my damn eyes to see if I’m telling her the whole truth.”
Andrew nodded. “Ah yes, that was something Kelly could do to me too. It sucks. I forgot.”
He nodded and rolled his eyes. “You’re telling me.”
“You should have bonded with her the other night.”
He shrugged. “I know, but I couldn’t willfully hurt her. She hinted that she’s been through heartbreak before.” Well, that and the fact that she seemed to have the world’s worst opinion of her worth. Maybe I don’t deserve that kind of respect and love, maybe it’s just not meant to be for me…that had caught Cal off guard. It had taken everything in his power to not grab her and give her a shake before ravishing her lips in a sincere showing of her worth to him. But he couldn’t do it…he couldn’t do anything that would reassure her or deepen that connection. It would be better for her as well if they didn’t fall in love with one another.
“Cal, you of all people know the consequences of forming an attachment to her. It’s too risky, especially if she is Lazarus’s bride.”
Cal pursed his lips and nodded, his eyes never leaving Andrew’s. Ah yes, his cursed heritage. He’d experienced the fallout from a mating that involved one of Lazarus’s brides—his childhood was filled with hushed conversations about his mother’s dishonorable death, how she’d betrayed the Order and ruined his father. It was the reason why he’d taken his vows to the Order so seriously. He would not carry that legacy forward. He would not blacken his vows with betrayal. It was just his fucking shitty luck that his Huntress was linked to the king. Déjà fucking vu.
“So what do you suggest I do then? I can’t tell her the truth, can I?” He sneered. “I can’t tell her the real reason why I won’t form an attachment to her.”
Andrew shrugged. “No, I don’t think that would go over well either, but this bullshit about fearing her death is only half the truth. You’re walking a fine line, especially if you feel like you can’t lie to her.”