Never mind, Eliot would just slip out—hm. You’d think you could just—but no. Ah. It was harder than he thought. A moment’s hesitation had cost him. Vile Father’s smooth baby face and yellow teeth and beefy breath were right up next to him now, and those ham hock arms were starting to squeeze and crush.
Vile Father had evidently assessed the situation and decided that it didn’t matter how fast your opponent could move when he couldn’t move a muscle, so you took whatever damage you had to to get the other guy in a bear hug. He had, and now he was trying, slowly but strangely inevitably, to get his teeth into Eliot’s ear.
Enough. This guy was strong, and he had all the leverage, but he wasn’t superhuman. Eliot felt like he was practically encased in Vile Father at this point, and he hadn’t taken a proper breath in about thirty seconds. He set himself and began to pry himself free.
It was still a lot harder than you’d think, and Vile Father was not at all kidding about his personal vileness, but Eliot slither-wrenched his way out of Vile Father’s arms and staggered a few feet back. He was still getting his balance when he felt something poke him painfully behind one shoulder. He arched his back away from that fiery hot point and shouted:
“Fuck!”
Nothing the Lorian was carrying should have been able to get through the Spectral Armor. He spun away, still ahead of Vile Father, but not nearly as far ahead as he expected; in real life both their movements must have been a blur. This guy was running magic weaponry; Eliot should have looked at the blade on that thing more closely. Vile Father was packing something that could actually cut him.
It must have been Fillorian metal. Magic metal. I bet he took it from that hermit, Eliot thought. I bet that thing’s made from a Fillorian plough blade.
Oh, that is it. Eliot snapped.
On his feet again, Eliot spun around the blade and grabbed what was left of the weapon’s shaft and wrenched it out of Vile Father’s hands. That probably took some skin with it, he thought. Good. He threw it as hard as he could, as hard as Fergus could. It was still rising when it disappeared into a low-hanging cloud.
He skipped back and set himself the way his boxing instructor told him to, then he shuffled forward. The boxing thing was mostly just for the aerobics, plus it was an excuse to enjoy the company of the boxing instructor, whose amazing upper body was enough to make Eliot not even miss Internet porn in the slightest, but it had some practical value too.
Jab, jab, cross. Hook, hook. No more holding back, he was snapping this shit out crisp and firm. He was rocking Vile Father back on his heels now. Eliot found he was baring his teeth and spitting words with each punch.
“You. Killed. A. Hermit. You. Weird. Sweaty. Bastard!”
Don’t go down, cocksucker. Don’t go down, I want to hit you some more. They were practically back against the Lorian front line when Eliot kicked Vile Father in the balls and then, indulging a personal fantasy, he swept the leg and watched Vile Father rotate clockwise in a stately fashion and simultaneously descend until he crashed, thunderously and with a lot of slow-motion blubbery rippling, onto the packed sand.
Even then he started to get up. Eliot kicked him in the face. He was through with these fucking people.
He dropped all the magic at once. The strength, the speed, the armor, all of it.
“Go.”
Well, he didn’t drop all of it all of it. His voice echoed off the stone walls of the pass like thunder. Leave a man his vanity, and his sense of theater. It was just good PSYOP. He picked up the broken stub of Vile Father’s weapon and threw it into the sand. Fortunately for his sense of theater, it stuck there upright.
“Go. Let this shattered spear mark the border between our lands. If any man cross it, or woman, I make no guarantee of their safety. Fillory’s mercy is great, but her memory is long, and her vengeance terrible.”
Hm. Not exactly Shakespeare.
“You mess with the ram,” he said, “you get the horns.”
Better leave it at that.
Eliot scowled a terrible royal scowl at the Lorian host and turned and walked away, speaking a charm under his breath. He was rewarded with the soft rustle and creak of the little stub of wood growing into a little ash tree behind his back. A bit of a cliché. But hey, clichés are clichés for a reason.
Eliot kept walking. His breathing was going back to normal. The pass ran north-south, and the sun was finally cracking its eastern rim, having already been busy lighting the rest of Fillory for at least an hour now. The ranks parted to let him go through. God he loved being a king sometimes. There wasn’t much of anything better in life than having your own ranks part before you, especially after you just delivered a bona fide public ass-kicking to somebody who deserved it. He avoided eye contact with the rank-and-file, though he did point two fingers at the most senior of the giants, acknowledging that he’d done the High King a personal favor by showing up.