My brain is playing “the kiss” on an endless loop. I can still feel his hands in my hair, on my hip, on my back. I can still smell his neck and taste his salty mouth. It’s got me so keyed up, I can barely think straight. My skin feels too tight for my body. It’s like he took me apart and put me back together without the instructions.
Shadow and Bex are already eating when I show up in the cafeteria. I watch them from afar, soaking in the easiness of what they have become. He laughs. She laughs. They touch each other on the arm, stare at each other with shiny eyes. They share kisses and smiles. I want to run to them and tell them that I know what it is they are feeling. I want to share the kiss, how it started, how it ended, how it felt like I was suspended in it for hours and hours, but I stop myself. I don’t know how they feel. What I have is not the same, because what they have has potential, real potential. It is realistic and hopeful and the world accepts it, embraces it with open arms. They just slide together like jigsaw-puzzle pieces, and people will celebrate it. Fathom and I will never have that, because we will never be allowed to be Fathom and Lyric. Even if I were staying here in this horrible, soul-crushing town, the whole world would rise up to shake its collective finger at us and say, No, no, no. This is not allowed. It is good that I’m leaving, because I know I cannot stop myself.
And then it hits me. I’m leaving in five days. Bex is supposed to come with me. I can’t take her away from Shadow. I can’t break that up. He has to come with us. My mother and father will lose their minds. It’ll make it harder for us, but I just can’t do it to Bex. Bex spots me and waves me over. It’s now or never. I have to tell them both the truth. I sit down at their table and open my mouth, but Fathom and the rest of the Alpha enter.
“So, we’re supposed to be nice to them,” Bex says. “I know! Shadow should invite them to one of his Dungeons and Dragons parties.”
“I have never played Dungeons and Dragons,” he says, matter-of-factly.
Bex frowns and gives him a knowing look.
“One time!” he cries.
“I need to tell you something,” I say, barely over a whisper.
“Shadow, we aren’t judging you,” Bex says as she flashes me a mischievous grin. “Personally, I’m hurt you haven’t invited the two of us to play. Listen, just once! We’ll come over tonight and you can show us your cool secret life. Should we bring some thirty-sided dice or something?”
The boy shakes his head and laughs despite himself. “I am never sharing anything with you again.”
“You’ll have to show us how to roll characters,” Bex continues. “That’s what you call it when you make your imaginary friends, right?”
“You’re really not that funny,” he says, trying not to grin.
“Yes I am,” she sings.
I just can’t take it anymore.
“Lyric, what’s wrong?” Shadow says.
I wipe away my tears and look around to make sure that no one is listening. “We’re leaving on Friday.”
Shadow leans in. “You’re leaving the Zone?”
I nod.
“But that’s good news,” he whispers. “Why are you crying? Everyone wants to leave the Zone.”
I look to Bex, and all the laughter inside her is gone. “Shadow, I need to talk to you.”
She explains our plan to him. He sits back in his chair, slightly stunned.
“And you can come with us,” I say.
Bex’s face glows. “Really?
Shadow looks to me and then Bex, then shakes his head. “I can’t. My mother is stuck here, and without her citizenship papers, she will never get through the blockade.”
Bex stands. It’s clear she can’t handle this. Her father walked out on her when she was three, and we never saw him again. This isn’t the same, but I can hear what she’s thinking: here’s another man she cannot count on.
He stands with her and takes her hand. “But I can spend the rest of the year setting her up to be on her own. I’ll graduate. She needs to see that, Bex. The site is making money. I can make her comfortable, and when that happens, I will find you.”
Bex shakes her head, fighting back tears. She doesn’t believe him.
“And then we’ll get married.”
“Whoa there, cowboy,” I cry. I can’t believe how bold he is.
Bex looks right into his eyes. “Deal.”
At the end of the day, Bex and Shadow walk hand in hand through all the anger and hostility that await us outside. The crowd doesn’t even exist to them. I invite them both back to my apartment, but she wants to pick some things up and say goodbye to Tammy. Shadow wants to be there when she does.
That evening I’m on my own. Dad is on duty, and my mother is in her room searching the web. It’s quiet and peaceful, which is the last thing I need right now. I can’t find anything that keeps my attention on TV. I try to read a book but find myself reading and rereading the same paragraph. With nothing to distract me, my mind soars back to the kiss. It makes me anxious. I can’t get comfortable. Finally I snatch my phone and beg Bex to hurry home. She promises she will as soon as she can.
DID U TELL TAMMY UR ENGAGED?
The answer comes fast.
SHUT UP, WALKER.