How am I going to protect her like this? How can I protect anyone like this?
Puck and Ariel a hovered in the doorway. A part of me wanted to tell them to leave, hating that they saw me weak and helpless. But, my whole life, I had pushed others away, closing myself off to the world and everyone around me. It had brought me nothing but more pain, despite my attempts to freeze everything out. That was why I was here, after all; I was trying to become someone else.
I shifted to my back and put an arm over my face, closing my eyes.
“I’m not going to throw icicles if you step through the door.” I sighed.
“So you can stop lurking and come in already.” I felt them pause, imagined them exchanging glances, but then footsteps padded into the room. Ariel a perched on the edge of the 251/387
mattress, laying a soft hand on my arm. “Are you in a lot of pain?” she asked.
“Some,” I admitted, relaxing under her touch. “It’s getting better, though.” And it was, the fire beneath my skin ebbing away, as if my body finally realized it was whole and healthy, not torn apart on a des-olate peak.
“What happened up there, ice-boy?”
“What do you think happened?” I lowered my arm and sat up, scrubbing a hand over my eyes. “I lost. I can’t use glamour, I can’t move like I used to.
My head was telling me to move a certain way, to go faster, and I couldn’t. I got cold, Puck. Do you know what that was like, when I finally realized what was happening?” I leaned forward, raking my hands through my hair, shoving it back. “I would’ve died,” I said softly, reluctant to admit it. “If the Guardian had left me there, I would have died. Those things would’ve torn me apart.”
“But you’re not dead,” Puck pointed out. “And the Guardian didn’t say you failed. At least, we weren’t tossed out on our ears. So what’s the problem, ice-boy?”
I didn’t answer, but Ariel a, who was watching my face, drew in a quiet breath. “Meghan,” she guessed, making me wince. “You’re worried about Meghan, how she’ll react to seeing you like this.”
“I can’t protect her like this,” I said bitterly, clenching a fist, fighting the urge to punch the mattress. “I’m useless—a liability. I don’t want her to feel she has to constantly watch out for me, that I can’t hold my own anymore.” I sighed in frustration and leaned back, thumping my 252/387
head against the wall. It was satisfyingly painful. “I guess I didn’t realize what being human really meant.” You do not know the first thing about mortality, prince-who-isnot. The Bone Witch’s voice echoed in my head, mocking me with its smugness.
Why would you want to be like them?
Puck snorted. “And what, you think that if you’re human you can’t protect anyone?” he asked, crossing his arms and glaring at me.
“That’s a load of crap. How did you think you were going to protect her while she was in the Iron Kingdom, prince? I thought we were here to get you a soul, so you could be with her without your skin melting off.
Are you telling me, now that you’re more human, you don’t want to be with her?”
I glared at him. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Doesn’t matter.” Puck loomed over me as if daring me to argue. “The way I see it, there are only two options here, iceboy. You can be a human and be with Meghan, or you can be fey and not. And you’d better figure out what you want real fast, or we’ve wasted our time here.” Ariel a stood. “Come on,” she told Puck, falling back into an old tradition. Since the three of us had known each other, she had always been the peacekeeper. “Let’s let him rest. Ash, if you need us, we’ll be close.” Puck looked defiant, but Ariel a put a hand on his arm and gently but firmly pulled him from the room. As the door closed, I clenched my fists and stared at the wall. Throwing out my arm, I tried sending a f lurry of ice darts at the door, but nothing happened. Not even a cold wind.
I had no glamour anymore. My magic was gone; centuries of feeling the pulse of the earth, seeing the swirl of emotion and dreams and 253/387
passion all around me, in every living creature, all vanished in a heartbeat. Could I get used to this? Any of this? I couldn’t move like I used to, I wasn’t as strong, and my body was susceptible to pain and sickness and cold. I was weaker now. I was…mortal.
I punched the mattress in frustration, feeling the blow rattle the frame. The Bone Witch was right. I didn’t know the first thing about mortality.