He gestured absently. “The danger comes from both using it and not using it. It comes just from having it, from possessing it, from being a part of it. It becomes the defining factor of your existence, the single most important truth you possess. It influences everything you do; it determines the nature of your character and it shapes your thinking.”
He paused. “It’s a two-edged sword, Kirisin. If you fail to use it at the right times in the right ways, people will die. Some of them might be people you know, but even if you don’t, they are still people for whom you have become responsible simply because you possess the means of helping them and you have failed to do so. You’ve made a choice, and you have to live with that choice. Sometimes the choices you are given are bad ones, no matter which way you go. And therefore the consequences are bad ones, as well.
“But the consequences of using the magic in the very best way you can, in a way that helps people and saves lives, doesn’t mean that things will work out any better. Using the magic in a way that works is just as dangerous. Not to them, you see, but to you. Because every time you use the magic, it eats away at you. It erodes the defenses you create to keep it from overwhelming you, from stealing away your soul. Do you think I exaggerate? Think again. Magic can do that. It does do that. By the very nature of what it is. It is an addictive, corrupting influence, and the more you use it, the more it makes you want to use it. Because it makes you feel so good when you do. It makes you feel invincible. It banishes all your insecurities and fears. It fills you up like liquid iron, hardening you against everything that might harm you. It dominates you in a way that nothing else can. It’s a drug. An addiction, like I said. You find you want it, you need it, you have to have it. And the only way that can happen is if you allow yourself to find a use for it. Any use.”
Kirisin was horrified. “It isn’t that way with you. I don’t see that with you, Logan.”
The Knight of the Word smiled. “You don’t see a lot of what I am. I keep it hidden pretty well. I keep my demons penned up. More to the point, I live my life alone. There’s only me and this.” He held out the black staff. “Me and my magic. We share a life that doesn’t allow for intrusion or for sharing.”
He shook his head. “I was like you when I first became a Knight of the Word. That’s why I am telling you all this now. Not to frighten you, but to warn you. I had no one to warn me. I had to find it all out for myself. But I can pass it on to you, what I’ve learned, and maybe it will make a difference somewhere down the road. Maybe it will make your life a little easier to bear. Maybe you can do something more than I’ve done to keep yourself safe from what having the use of the magic will mean.”
“But you said it yourself,” Kirisin pointed out. “I have to use the Elfstones. So if I have to use them, maybe more than once, maybe a bunch of times, I’m at risk no matter what, aren’t I? I can’t avoid these consequences you’re warning me about.”
“You can’t avoid your fate, no. None of us can. You’ve been given a responsibility, just as I was. You’ve been given the use of magic, and you can’t take it back. But you can be aware of its dangers. You can appreciate that it has its darker side. Just knowing that that part of it exists and recognizing how it makes you feel might be enough to help you.”
He looked down at his feet. “I’ve done some things . . .” He trailed off. “I’ve forgotten to remember the danger, sometimes. I haven’t been careful enough. I’ve been reckless because either the situation called for it or I’ve allowed my emotions to rule my thinking. Bad choices, both. And don’t be fooled. They were choices I made. I just wasn’t controlled enough to avoid making them. I can’t excuse what I’ve done. I can’t excuse any of it. I have to live with my regrets.”
He looked up again and gave Kirisin a quick smile. “But maybe you won’t have to live with as many of those regrets as I do. Not if you’re aware that they’re out there.”
They were silent for a moment, and then Kirisin said, “In a world like this one, where everything either has been destroyed or is in the process of being destroyed, maybe you have to be content with knowing that you’re doing the best you can. Maybe you shouldn’t spend too much time blaming yourself for what didn’t work out. You do the best you can, don’t you?”
Logan Tom nodded slowly. “Of course. And I’m sure you will, too. But that won’t change things. It won’t change the way the magic works or the effect it has on you. It won’t change the bad choices. It won’t absolve you of your guilt. In the end, you still have to live with yourself. But it might be easier to do so if you understand why sometimes you feel so terrible about who you are. I’m just telling you how it will be. I’m just doing what I can to pass along what I know.”