The hum remains in the background. It's pleased that I'm on my way.
I'm still trying to find the loophole though. Maybe I'll just chase her around this damn country for a few days, then rationalize with Karl to call it off.
Except that would require Karl to be a rational man. A rational man wouldn't have made this wish to begin with.
Forty-five minutes of cyclic thoughts later, I'm out of the city and into the desert. Dark brush, a few semi-trucks. I keep a steady pace.
Before long, the desert grows into a forest. My eyes burn with a heat inside my skull, so I roll down the window in hopes of catching a cool breeze. The air is clean, crisp.
I lean forward to glimpse the sky. The stars are big, bright dots in the black. I could lie with Syd out here. If I wasn't going to kill her and all.
The burning doesn't lessen. My vision wanders, not fading out but not really focusing on anything either. The car swerves. My hand jerks the wheel, and my attention snaps back to the road. Then my mind trails away again.
The car thuds over something, jarring my head. My brain squirms behind my eyes. I blink a few times and then squint, but I can't make out much. I think I'm on the side of the road, so I flounder for the emergency brake and climb out.
A cool breeze sneaks under my jacket, down my arms. It should be refreshing, but I'm burning up on the inside. The heat is radiating from my within my head, traveling down my spine, and flaring out.
I push myself up onto the hood of the car and tap my shoes against the tire. Payson shouldn't be much farther. Maybe I can rest there.
The hum growls in protest. I smack my palm to my head. The hum doesn't respond.
I wipe the sleeve of my jacket over my forehead and run my fingers through my hair. Ice water would be fantastic, but I wouldn't be able to keep it down anyway. I've already progressed too far.
The hum knows my brain is still warring between how to help Syd when I catch up with her and the quickest way to end this problem.
Headshot.
The thought makes my stomach sick, but makes that devious piece of my brain giddy with excitement. Like Silvia going to McDonald's. Or drowning kittens.
I still don't understand how she could do that. Even at my most demented moments, the thrill is in keeping the hum away, not in taking a life. It's a fiending. The hit makes things normal again. I'll do anything for it.
Or, I thought I would do anything for it. I will find out for sure within the next twenty-four hours.
***
I stop at a gas station in Payson to fill the tank and buy a few ice cold bottles of water. Even if I can't drink them, clenching them is some relief against the fire inside.
I hold one of the bottles over my eyes, my head lying against the back of the seat. The window is rolled down. The temperature outside isn't even seventy degrees, but I feel like a dog stuck in a car in a desert summer.
With a resigned sigh, I toss the bottle onto the passenger seat and pull out. I still have another five hours on the road. Probably longer because I'm driving below speed limit. I can't concentrate. Not with the sweat trickling into my eyes and the fever burning my brain.
I tell myself I'm going to kill Syd. As soon as I catch her, I'll put a permanent dot between her eyes. But each time I think that, I become more resistant to the idea. And each time I become more resistant to the idea, the fire inside burns a little hotter.
I pass through Heber. It's nice, with tall pine trees and flowing water. The type of place where people rent cabins.
I pull over on the side of the road and step out. My soles crunch against the pine needles. Hot blades jab into my skull. I drop to my knees. My body leans forward, my head resting against the ground. I think I'm whispering, but I don't know what I'm saying.
The blood rushing to my brain seems to make the pain worse, so I force myself to stand. I can barely see as I stumble forward. I have no idea where I'm going. I just want to escape the hum. It follows me. Everywhere.
I realize I'm shaking my head. I try to stop, but all I'm thinking is:
I can't do it. I won't hurt her.
And the hum punishes accordingly. It's not even a hum anymore. It's the crackling of fire, growing as it burns deeper into my mind.
My arm braces against a thick tree. I lean forward and dry heave. Each gag sends a jolt through my head, which in turn makes the pain—and heaving—worse.
I open my eyes to the black sky. I'm lying on my back, throat burning and stomach smoldering. I know I didn't pass out though. The hum would never allow such reprieve.
With effort, I scramble to my feet and stumble toward the car still parked on the side of the road. Barely. Even the emergency brake isn't on.
I slide back inside and try to relax into the seat. I might as well be sitting on embers.
Coughing on stomach acid, I pull the car out and head down the road again.
This has to end eventually. I just have no idea how.
***