“Both.”
“As your trainer, I do my job in whatever way I see fit. And believe me, both were necessary.” He tosses a glance back, his tone hardening. “Although neither is in danger of happening again, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
I flinch but pretend it’s the sun in my eyes. One moment he’s taking my breath away and the next he’s gouging holes in my insides. Like he’s multiple men rolled into one, and none of them make sense but all make me insane.
“Let’s just do this daft training session and go home,” I mumble, shoving past him.
“This is part of the lesson. Today we’re going to get out all this pent-up anger you have and teach you to let go.”
“In that case I’d rather go back to Adora’s.”
“Annnd that would be the pent-up attitude I’m talking about.”
Is he jesting? “My attitude has to do with the fact that you endangered us, and yet you don’t seem to care.”
He actually laughs. “Believe me, you were not in danger from those wolves.”
“No, but we were in danger from me. I almost destroyed that village because you pushed me into something I couldn’t do.”
“Look, if it makes you feel better, I never would’ve pushed you in so fast if I’d had any idea you’d react like that. Even though whatever resulted from the session, Colin and I would’ve handled it just fine. As we did.”
I stop and turn to stare at him. Is he an idiot? “How could you not know I’d react like that? You’re training me to kill, and people almost died. Does it even occur to you what it does to me? To know that every time I erupt, I see more blood on my hands?”
Something flickers through his expression and his tone frosts over. “You think I don’t know what it does to you? Why do you think I blasted Colin after your little common-house exploit? That’s exactly why I set you up with the wolves. To show that you can do this. To let you prove to yourself how in control you are.”
“Except I’m not in control! The only reason those people survived is because of you and Colin.” The sky shudders and my eyes start to fill. I blink the tears away before a dumb storm hauls in.
His face pales. “You were in control, Nym. You could’ve taken out that entire wolf pack and you didn’t.”
“Right, I just almost took out a portion of Faelen instead. And now Adora’s got some brilliant plan to use Colin and me for more destruction.”
He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Look. The other day you asked what happened to the others I trained for Adora.”
He runs a hand down his jaw and exhales.
“What happened is I trained them too well. To the point they outgrew their consciences. They became assassins, killing when it was faster rather than finding a better way. You heard me say the other day that killing is a part of war. But it’s not the only part. It should always be a last resort.”
My bitter chuckle slips out. “And yet you and Adora can’t wait to use me. ‘Train harder, Nym.’ ‘Are you ready, Nym?’ ‘Faelen’s going to fall without you, Nym.’ Except I don’t want to be used that way.”
“Which is exactly why I’ve been working with you. Because if it wasn’t me, Adora would’ve found someone else or tried to train you herself. Your power is like none we’ve seen, and they would’ve ruined you, Nym. I’ve known from the beginning you’re capable of learning control—but what I needed to know was, when you achieve control, if you’d have the conviction to reserve death as a last resort rather than an easy solution.”
I open my mouth to argue, but his words spread over me like a blanket soaking into my soul. It brings a flavor of freedom that I’m too numb to taste.
He smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “That test proved what I already knew. That you’re not like them. You’re not like me. I’m not training you to be a weapon. I’m training you to hone your abilities so you and you alone will have the choice to protect as far as you’re able. So you can live with your conscience. With those wolves, you made a decision and found a better way.” He hesitates, and I’m abruptly aware of an urgency in his demeanor I’ve not caught before. “Which means we can now finish the lesson.”
Forgiveness for him emerges at his confessed intentions even as my curse rears its head at his ignorance. If only it worked that way. I shake my head. “No matter how much control I learn, it’ll never be enough.”
He peers down at me. “We’ll see.”
Turning, he resumes his lead up the trail until we’ve gone another half terrameter, then veers us off the path toward a wall of hedge and trees.
“Through there.” He pulls a bough back and waits for me to duck the overgrown branches. I keep my gaze straight as I slip past him—acutely aware of how warm his body radiates and how perfectly his eyes match the landscape.
I step through the scraggly opening and out onto a rainwater-tipped field overlooking a vast, glittering valley.