What Fools These Mortals Be
Do you really think Hades would let her morph me into a lower life form?” I demanded, jerking my head like someone with Tourette’s syndrome. Meg had told me about her run-in with Persephone as we crouched behind the dumpster in the alley, hastily changing into the uniforms without being seen and trying not to get frostbite on our privates.
It was hard keeping my balance; it felt as though the ground was shaking. “Do you feel that?” I asked.
“The vibrations? That happens when you get close to a portal,” Meg said. “I felt it at Coney Island, right under the Wonder Wheel. We didn’t get close enough to the one at the Met.”
“Spooky.” I sneezed three times.
Being so close to Meg made my allergies worse. With the increasing amount of feathers, twitching, sneezing, molting, and sprouting, we were doing the chicken dance standing still.
“She turned that nymph into a plant, then into a dog!” Meg said, pulling the green scrubs over her feathery butt. “What do you think your fate will be—a stint as a potted palm and then maybe a few years as a Shar-Pei? She’d get vicious pleasure out of that!”
“I keep saying no, but Hades doesn’t give up. No matter what I say or how nasty I am, he laps it up. He’s a freak-o,
let me tell you.”
“And Persephone kept insisting that Hades would never be chasing you if you weren’t encouraging him.”
“Do you think I want his attention?”
Meg hesitated just a little too long.
“Oh come on, Meg! I swear I don’t!” I told her about the visit to his place and my refusal. She looked troubled. I pulled on my drawstring pants and tied them. “Okay, I was flattered at first—who wouldn’t be, with a god coming on to them? Even you have to admit he’s hot. But I never did anything. I don’t want to do anything with him. That last trip completely terrified me; I was in Tartarus ! Suppose he’d kept me there? Being gorgeous won’t do me any good if I’m a slave to slobbering demon dogs, the target of a vengeful goddess, and my friend thinks I’m a backstabber.”
We got the shirts on next. Our nurse scrubs were way too small—yeah, Persephone was having fun. At least I’d only have a wedgie from the too-tight pants for as long as it took to dispatch Arkady the Relic. I pulled my hair into a bun, wiped off my lipstick, and put my sunglasses back on; no need to attract any more attention. Without a wig, that was the best disguise I could manage.
“Let’s wait here until the car comes,” Meg said, not responding to my defense.
“Sure. Uh, Meg?”
She turned her leg to the side, grunting with disgust at something she’d stepped in. The alley wasn’t too bad, as far as run-down, filthy holes went, but there was a stench of rotting garbage coming from the dumpster and the slight stink of urine. The place must be horrendous on a sweltering day in July.
“Yeah?”
How to broach the subject of who would put the vamp on Jeremy? I took a deep breath.
“You want to do Jeremy, or should I?”
Meg’s head snapped around so fast I was surprised she didn’t break a vertebra.
“Excuse me?” Her eyes flashed dangerously.
I steeled myself to finish this conversation. “One of us has to siren Jeremy. You agreed to it. He’s going to be here. Even if Arkady’s not his favorite person, I don’t think he’s going to stand by and let us wheel his boss into the next dimension.”
She ran her fingers through her cropped hair, exhaling heavily. “I know. It’s just …”
“It’s too personal for me to do it, yet you don’t want to do it to him—it feels wrong.”
She nodded morosely. “It didn’t seem like that big of a deal before, but now that it’s time … ”
I squeezed her hand. “I’ll do it for you, but only if you want me to. But you have to choose. And how bad can it be? It should just be for a few moments, max, then you can release him.”
She hesitated before answering, not looking at me, just studying the grimy stone wall behind me.
“Meg?”
“I’m afraid that if I do it to him, he won’t remember me at all after I release him,” she blurted. “Like those other guys we entranced.”
Meg looked truly worried. I thought about it for a few moments before I replied.
“But we didn’t know those other guys; they were strangers. You know Jeremy already—you knew him before any of this started. You talked in the pizzeria, remember?”
“I know, but … ” Meg stared at me, almost pleading.
“You’ll get another chance to make a first impression!” I smiled brightly, wondering if my suggestion sounded valid. I thought it did. Hopefully Meg did, too. Now that she and Jeremy seemed to be a duo, my bewitching him would be kind of perverted. Didn’t I have enough problems without getting caught in a love triangle? Oh, wait—in there, doing that.
“Maybe,” Meg murmured, a troubled smile lingering on her pixie face.
Whether she thought it would work or not, the time had come to test my theory. A sleek black Lincoln Continental pulled up, Jeremy at the wheel. He slowed the car to a stop. Leaving the engine idling, he hopped out.
I removed my sunglasses. Meg stood still.
“Go on,” I whispered. “Now, Meg. We’ll only be able to do this if Jeremy’s entranced.” She nodded shakily, then, with faltering steps, moved forward. Jeremy recognized her, and at first he looked happy—then surprised—then confused. I couldn’t see Meg’s face.
“What’re you doing here?” he asked, looking at the uniform.
She was panicking.
Say something! I willed silently. Come on, Meg! Before he could ask another question, I heard her stutter in her velvet Siren voice, “You will let us take Mr. Romanov.”
I saw his handsome eyes glaze over and I felt a surge of guilt. I couldn’t imagine what Meg was feeling, but we had to do this. Somehow, I’d figure a way to make it up to her.
“Yes, whatever you want.”
I waited. She’ll get Jeremy to get Arkady out of the car, I thought. But no one moved. Meg stood there, lost.
Jeez, Meg, this is a great time not to know what to say! I leaned closer to her. She was staring at Jeremy, her eyes filling.
“What’s the problem?” I whispered. For a moment she didn’t answer.
“What do I do with him?” She held back a sob. “Do I send him away? Where should he go? And then what?”
Damn. Sticky point. Then inspiration hit.
I whispered, “Give him the lists and let him do the shopping. It’ll get him out of here for now.”
Meg turned to me, forcing herself to smile. “Good idea.” She took the slips of paper from me and handed them to Jeremy.
“Take these—” she started.
“What’s taking so long out there?” screeched Arkady from inside the car.
“—and buy all the things listed. You wrote these; you know where to go. Then return to the office—”
“Jeremy!” Arkady’s voice screeched, like Freddy Krueger nails on a chalkboard. I couldn’t help cringing. I popped my head into the limo.
“Just a moment, sir, we’re getting the wheelchair,” I shouted. Without his glasses on, he couldn’t see me. If he’d had them on, I would’ve tried ordering him into the portal, but no such luck. And my presence didn’t pacify him. He kept yelling and pounding his cane on the car floor.
Meg still held Jeremy under her thrall. “Put everything in Mr. Romanov’s office, then come back to get him. If anyone asks, Mr. Romanov told you to do this.” She turned to me. “When Arkady disappears, they’re going to call someone. All Jeremy’s time will be accounted for now.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t thought of that. There would be a lot of questions when a world-renowned fashion icon like Arkady Romanov disappeared. Even recluses were missed eventually.
“First, please get Mr. Romanov out of the car,” Meg said.
I kept my eyes ready to enthrall anyone who might think of stopping us. So far, so good. Jeremy pulled the wheelchair closer to the door, then assisted Arkady into it. I turned slightly away and leaned toward Meg’s ear.
“He doesn’t have his glasses on, so he won’t know us.” She nodded.
“Let’s go, you imbeciles! What are you waiting for, Lenin’s resurrection?”
What a nasty piece of work. Why would Hades want this poor specimen of humanity? If I were Hades, this would be one deal I’d walk away from; keep at least one world between him and Arkady.
When Arkady was finally settled in the chair and wrapped in his lap robe, Meg lightly touched Jeremy’s arm.
“Remember, go to Chinatown. You dropped Mr. Romanov at the clinic. You went to get his medicines and then you came back here to pick him up after his appointment. Okay?”
“Whatever you wish,” Jeremy droned, enraptured. Meg tried to look away from him, but couldn’t. The besotted look on his face was clearly painful for her to see.
“Let him go, Meg. The sooner he leaves, the sooner we get this over with.”
Meg withdrew her hand from his arm. “Go,” she said, her voice cracking.
Jeremy got back in the car and drove away.
“Let’s do this,” I said, as soon as he was out of sight. Meg choked and wiped her eyes, then paused to scratch and tuck in a wad of feathers.
“What’s taking so damn long!” Arkady began pounding on the arms of the chair. “Are you all incompetent? You’re all fired! Where’s Jeremy?”
“Filling out paperwork, sir,” Meg shouted, running to an area next to the clinic door. “It’s here, come on!” She touched the grimy wall and it darkened, like black watercolor spreading over a damp piece of paper.
“Jeremy!” thundered Arkady. “Take me to Jeremy!”
“Shut up!” I hissed, even knowing he couldn’t hear me very well. “You’re a vile, cheap, pickled”—I searched for the right word—“tapeworm!”
Meg, with her hands above her head leaning against the wall, snickered, then craned her head to gape at me.
“Tapeworm?”
“It’s all I could think of. Give me some time, I’ll come up with a hundred better ones.”
I pushed the dinosaur toward the opening.
“You’re out of time,” said a cheerful voice.
Demeter.
Dressed in pastel scrubs identical to ours, she stood in the clinic door, holding it wide. I really wanted to hurt her. Ditto for her daughter.
“It’s time for his herbal enema and face graft. I’ll take him.”
“I don’t think so,” said Meg, blocking her from Arkady and me. “We’re pushing him through. This is the end.” She crossed her arms, challenging the goddess to get physical.
Brave girl, Meg. Stupid, but brave …
Demeter’s laughter was musical, like raindrops on silver bells. A tall Hispanic orderly came out of the clinic doors. He rushed over to us.
“Señorita, por favor, I help you.” He reached for the wheelchair with his gigantic paws and tried to grab the handles.
I whipped off my glasses, smiled, and said, “No thank you, we can handle it. Why don’t you see if you can help someone inside?”
He sighed dreamily. “Sí, señorita bonita.”
“And forget about us.”
“Sí.” He turned and hurried inside the clinic.
“How amusing.” Demeter snapped her fingers and two burly security guards appeared. “Ahmed, TaKwan, take Mr. Romanov inside.” They flexed their muscles à la WWF wrestling. Meg and I took one look at them, then at each other, and laughed together. I stared at the one on the right while Meg spoke to the one on the left.
“Don’t listen to her, and go away!”
The men dropped their arms, spun on their heels, and left.
I permitted myself a smug look and smoothed my hair. But the laughter died on my lips when I saw Demeter smirk.
“You two really are stupid.”
She snapped her fingers again, and two even more burly female nurses stomped up.
It was Demeter’s turn to enjoy the moment.
“We’re finished,” said Meg, a feather sprouting from her head.
“Big time!” I sighed. “Caw!”
“Bertha, Inga, please bring Mr. Romanov into the clinic. I’ll deal with these two. It won’t take long.” The nurses clomped forward. Meg and I tried desperately to hold on to the chair’s handle grips, but Bertha and Inga sneered and tossed us aside. We landed in a heap, and watched helplessly as Arkady, screaming and cursing, was pushed into the clinic.
With a snide glance over her shoulder, Demeter quipped, “You lose.” She slammed the door in our faces.
Goddess trumps Siren.
So close!