“So the whole wicked-witch thing is what, an act?”
“Certainly not!” Sarmine said, offended. She brushed her last punishment spell to the ground and rubbed it out with her shoe. “Witches are naturally nasty,” she said. “It’s one of our most prized traits, along with that paranoia thing. Your father, poor soul, was never a very good witch that way. Too warmhearted about the weaklings of the world. He was always getting in my way. And yet I miss the dope like my right arm. What a weak fool I am, after all.”
I nodded. Took a deep breath. “Sarmine Scarabouche,” I said, “I disagree with a whole lot of the things you do. I want to live my life differently. I disagree with your choices and I want to make my own.”
Sarmine’s lips tightened. I could not tell at all what she thought of this statement, and I brought up my hand full of sticky pear, readying my wand again. “No witch would consider this a compliment,” she said at last, “so don’t take it that way.” She looked down her long nose at me. “You remind me so much of your father.”
I looked at the witch and then I did something I hadn’t done for ten years.
I hugged her.
Slowly and stiffly, I got a hug back.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said.
Appendix
SPELLS
A Verie Good Self-Defense Spell for Beginning Witches, About Foure Years of Age Ingredients
1. Algae
2. Hummingbird 3. Water
4. Maple Syrup 5. Cornstarch 6. Placemat
7. Harpy Claw 8. Pear
9. Paprika
10. Sugar
11. Pepper
12. Elephant Tusk
Instructions
1. Combine the 3rd and 4th ingredients at a 2:3 ratio so the amount is double the size of the ingredient that contains a human sensory organ.
2. Use twice as much of the 7th ingredient as the 12th.
3. Use 2.5 T chopped pear.
4. Substitute the 1st and 5th ingredients for the 3rd ingredient if more readily available.
5. Use one pinch of each ingredient starting with P that is numbered higher than 8.
6. To know the amount of the 12th ingredient, simply subtract the amount of the 11th from the amount of the 9th.
Preparation
1. If the amount of the 12th ingredient is >5, boil the 7th ingredient in a vat of chicken soup.
2. If the amount of the 4th ingredient is <= 3T, chop the 8th ingredient with both hands.
3. If the amount of the 11th ingredient is greater than 4 gallons, sing “Mary Had a Little Goat” five times backward while chasing down ingredient #2.
4. Mix.
Ye Olde Demon-Loosening Spell for Feebleminded Witches Who Have Changed Their Minds About Which Puny Human Should Hold Said Demon.
Ingredients
1. Honeycomb
2. Oyster
3. Apple
4. Paper clip 5. Hail
6. Eggplant
7. Pumpkin
8. Dragon Milk 9. Goat’s Blood 10. Dandelion Root
11. Earwig
12. Basilisk Urine
Instructions
1. If directed elsewhere to use #9 or #3, these are the measurements: 1 oz of #9, 2 units of #3.
2. If it is a Monday, use 1 oz of #12 and 18 units of #7. Else not, unless the date of the month adds up to 5 or is divisible by 5.
3. The amount of units of #3 plus the amount of units of #2 = the amount of units of #4.
4. The item made up of chicken containers + green leafy things? Don’t use that.
5. #4 is 1 greater than #3, if #5 is not used. Use 1 drop of #8, if #3 is used.
6. Use twice as many of #10 as #11; #11 is the amount of twice #3 minus the amount of #4.
7. Use all the ingredients that contain consecutive double letters, unless specified elsewhere not to.
8. #9 is imperative.
Preparation
1. If #1 is used, combine all ingredients in a cardboard box.
2. If #2 is used, combine all ingredients in a bowl.
3. If #3 is used, let it steep with #2 for twelve hours.
4. If #4 is used, speak the word “Neekwollah” twice.
5. If #5 is used, you may not breathe.
6. If #6 is used, you must chop it with a butter knife.
7. If #7 is used, you must perform the spell within a day of mixing.
8. If #8 is used, you must perform the spell within 30 seconds of mixing.
9. If #9 is used, do not touch the mixture once complete.
10. If #10 is used, gather it before the sun goes down.
11. If #11 is used, include the flower it was sitting on.
12. If #12 is used, I am very sorry for you.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS