chapter NINETEEN
His lips smashed together and he turned away from me. I grabbed his shoulder and spun him back around. I thought he would snap off my head with his teeth. His jaw was so tense that he could have. “Answer me,” I commanded.
His eyes were slits. His entire body shook as if it were ready to strangle me, but invisible wires held him in place preventing him from doing so. “I needed the book. Something happened, and I snapped. I did anything it took to get it. I said things to you and Collin. I taunted the nun as if I didn’t know her, but when… when she fell, it came flooding back. Everything was there.” He tore his shoulder out of my hand. “I don’t know what happened. I didn’t mean to kill her. She… ” He looked at me from under his brow and turned away.
My feet remained still. The only indication that time was passing was the slow methodic breathing of my body. I stared at his back, mostly talking to myself. I don’t know why I said it. I wasn’t entirely certain that I believed him, but Lorren’s observations made sense. I spoke to his turned back. “Kreturus was there. He was slowly separating me from everyone. Ties were broken. He put seeds of doubt in my mind… ” I shook my head. Eric turned, looking over his shoulder. “If I’d done as I originally planned, you’d be dead. Shannon would be dead. And Al is gone. And Collin,” I shook my head. “I’d be alone—like he wanted. I think it’s what Kreturus set out to do.”
Eric turned to me, suddenly much more interested. His words were sharp. He demanded, “And what about Collin? Where is he?”
My mouth hung open. Soft breaths spilled over my lips, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I stared at Eric with my arms folded over my chest, pressing them down tightly to try and kill any remnants of the lingering sensations I had about Collin. Numbness flooded me. And I welcomed it. My gaze returned to Eric’s, “And nothing. There is no one. Nothing. Kreturus successfully isolated me. It was his plan. Without help, I’d be weak. I’d need him to survive. He used you. He used you to get at me.”
Eric’s eyes flicked to the side, and returned to my face. “It was still my hand. And it is still my mind that harbors the memories.” He swallowed hard, casting his gaze away from me. Away from judgment. Away from the shame that pressed on his shoulders.
His dark shirt was rumpled as if he slept in it. But Eric didn’t sleep. His arms were folded over his chest as he gazed across the room. Something had been bothering me about him, something that I didn’t want to ask. But I had to know. “Why do you remember anything? You said things that night. Things you couldn’t possibly know.” I stepped toward him. Eric didn’t move. I took another step, but Eric kept his gaze cast toward the floor. His lips were pressed tightly. I stopped next to him, next to his side, next to his ear. My voice wasn’t commanding. It was soft, as if asking a child to reveal a great secret, “Will you tell me?”
He turned toward me. My breath caught in my throat. Remorse was strewn across his face. It hung there plain and thick, pulling him down toward the pits of Hell where he belonged. My jaw opened, but I was speechless.
“It’s you,” he said. “It’s something to do with you. I can feel remorse. I can feel… ” he sucked in air as if there weren’t enough, and looked at me. “Shit, Ivy. You made Valefar that can feel. What was the one thing I told you? The one thing all Valefar wanted?”
“Power.”
He nodded, “And that they’ll do anything to get it because they don’t feel a damn thing. But me,” he glared at my face with hidden pain seeping through his eyes, “I feel everything. I feel it because of you. Because I remember.” He shook his head, turning away from me and pressed his fingers to his temples. “I remember, because of the kiss.”
I shook my head, not understanding, “What kiss? The Demon Kiss in the Lorren? What are you talking about?”
He turned to me, a lazy smile on his face. “Your kiss. I asked you to kiss me after I was a Valefar. Remember?” His golden eyes searched my face. My stomach flipped. “You did. And I stole from you when you did it. I took back some of the pieces of my life. My essence still lingered in you. It still does.” He looked away, the smile fading. “You hold the key. You hold my memories.”
“No,” I replied moving closer to him. My face scrunched together, “That’s not possible. You can’t steal back your memories. They died with you. Otherwise you’d remember. You’d know things… ” I paused with my mouth hanging open. He’d know where the Satan’s Stone was. He’d remember taking his pen to that book of his and making the markings that no one could read. My eyes shifted, examining his face.
Eric shrugged, turning from me. “Say what you want, but it’s what happened. Your demon kiss isn’t the same as other Valefar. Maybe it’s because you’re not a Valefar. I don’t know.” He ran his fingers through his hair, and looked over his shoulder at me. “I just know that with each kiss, I was able to steal back bits and pieces of things I no longer knew. Things from my previous life. Things I’m not supposed to remember.” He pushed his hair out of his face. It fell in no particular direction, each strand of hair doing its own thing.
I stared at him. He hated me with such raw intensity that I could sense it wafting off of him. A kiss from him could destroy me. He could steal the rest of my soul. It made me wonder how badly he wanted his memories back. Was it enough to keep me alive? My eyes slid over his hard body, still rigid, still tense. He didn’t trust me either.
“What do you remember?” I asked. He cast a glare at me that would have made me gasp if I could feel, but I couldn’t. So I glared back. He spoke. And once he started, words poured out of his mouth in an unending wave. He didn’t remember many things, but he had some memories of things long ago—memories that I didn’t own. Memories that weren’t mine. They were a jumble of scenes, places, and people that made no sense to him. He spoke for nearly an hour when the words stopped. He tilted his head, and stared at me with such longing that my throat tightened in response. Foolishness comes in spurts that appear to be bravery. I had to know why my kiss was different. I had to know if the old Eric existed in some way inside of me. If he did… I had to know.
I moved in front of him, standing within his reach. Looking up into his face, I said, “Kiss me.” Confidence rang in my voice. “Take a memory.”
Eric hesitated. His eyes bore into me, tearing apart each inch of me with razor sharp hatred. His gaze narrowed as he walked toward me. His head tilted down, his eyes hardened and ruthless. The ring of fire in his eyes ignited around each pool of gold as he moved. He stopped in front of me. My heart was pounding in my chest. I could hear it, but the feelings were distant—like a memory. The lack of fear made me reckless. It made me feel alive. His hand shot behind my head, and his fingers snaked around the back of my neck, pulling me to him. The muscles under his shirt bulged. Each one was hard and smooth. I could sense his stomach, his chest, and his arms through our clothes. With one swift pull, my lips were a breath from his.
His voice was barely a whisper. The words slid out of his mouth like vipers, “I could kill you.”
My eyes were locked on his and didn’t waiver. “But you won’t. You need me. The only reason you’re still alive is that ward—my ward protecting you. You need me. I need you. We’re forced to deal with each other.”
Eric’s eyes tore me apart thread by thread. I unraveled in his arms. I saw myself as he saw me—cruel, deceitful, and vindictive. The gaze would have undone me before. It would have twisted into my gut and made me double over, but now—now it lingered in the back of my mind like a wind stripped of its power. It simply brushed against my thoughts. It was a fact. It was a piece of information no more substantial than anything else. Eric’s breath washed over me. His fingers pressed into my neck, making it throb.
Eric hesitated, seemingly frozen or unwilling to take the memories. My tongue pressed to the back of my teeth as my jaw tensed. He still didn’t move. “Do it. Take what you need,” I said through gritted teeth.
Without another word, Eric’s lips smashed down on mine. The grip on the back of my neck tightened as his fingers pressed painfully into my skull. I didn’t writhe, I didn’t cry out. I forced myself to relax in his arms, as his lips pressed mine so hard that he cut my lip against my tooth. The taste of blood filled my mouth. Eric’s other hand had grabbed my waist, as his fingers pressed hard enough to bruise my pale skin. I didn’t move. I didn’t scream. I made Eric what he was. It was my fault. As the words echoed in my mind, I no longer felt the power of their pain. It just was—a fact—like any other. I took his life. I ended him. He is what is, because of me. And I could accept it.
I felt my body go soft in his pressing hands. My lips parted as the kiss intensified. I didn’t make him force me. I said I’d offer him what he needed and I intended to keep my word, but his kiss… It changed. Eric’s fingers no longer pressed into me like he wanted to crush me. The intense hatred that initially pushed his lips to mine faded, as he brushed his tongue past my lips. I could taste him and thoughts of sweet shy Eric rushed to the front of my mind. The hand that was crushing my waist released me, and Eric’s hand slowly, carefully moved higher until it rested on my cheek.
Eric released me from the kiss. He pulled back enough so our lips weren’t intertwined, but our faces were still touching. I could still feel his warm, silky breath slide across my skin. His voice scraped as he spoke between jagged breaths, “What were you just thinking of?”
I kept my cheek pressed to his face, so I couldn’t see his eyes. Eyes that damned me with every glance. Eyes that reflected exactly what I was. My heart was racing in my chest and I wondered when that started. I felt relaxed. Nearly indifferent. Nearly. “You. The way you were… before I changed you. Quiet. Sweet. Shy.” My voice trailed off. His hand was still clutching the side of my face gently. It slid away like he could no longer bear to hold on. I moved away from him and coughed, refusing to look at him. An awkward silence lingered until I finally asked, “Did you get everything?”
He looked at me and laughed. It was a rich sound, like the laughs that used to come from him and not the bitter version that plagued him now. “No. One kiss can’t take every memory. How long does it take to retell a story? To capture every detail? There are ten-thousand years of memories inside of your head. One kiss won’t unlock all of them.” He paused, looking away. The smile vanished, and the tension flowed back into his shoulders and down his arms. Seriousness overcame his features, “And we’re running out of time. Some of the images are getting hazy. Some of the memories, I can’t quite access.” He shook his head, “Did I get everything?” My jaw tightened as my face felt hot. I refused to look at him, but he moved in front of me, his jaw agape. “Holy shit! Are you blushing?” he laughed.
At times I think that I was just made wrong. What could possibly make me blush? And it was Eric. I didn’t like him. I didn’t feel anything, but when his lips were on mine… I don’t know. I was too numb to know.
Eric was suddenly serious, waiting and watching me. The red ran off of my cheeks. I glanced at him and away again, refusing to think more about it. Or what it meant. “How many times?” I asked.
“How much do you trust me?” he asked and nodded with a smirk on his face. “Everything isn’t exactly floating to the surface. I have to find it. It’s like stumbling through the darkness trying to find a piece of coal. It doesn’t shine. It has no color. The only way to find it is to grab it with your hands. And your mind is a maze. My memories are hidden beneath layers of thick sludge, because you don’t trust me. It makes the memories harder to find. Your mind is a labyrinth with things hiding in every corner.” He swallowed and looked away, “And even when I do find my memories, it doesn’t feel like they’re my memories. Not anymore. They aren’t attached to me any longer. I have to sort through everything to find what I’m looking for.”
Glancing away from him, I nodded. “Fine. So, it’ll take a while is what you’re saying? You can’t grab everything until we both trust each other.” He opened his mouth to deny it, but snapped it shut again when I arched my eyebrow at him and said, “Really? You’re going to deny it has anything to do with you. It’s not just me, Eric. Trust takes two people, not one. Memories will flow freely when we trust each other.” Pressing my eyes closed, I leaned forward and pushed my hair out of my face uttering, “Which will be never.”