chapter FIFTEEN
Cracking my eyes open, I glanced around. A soft mattress lay beneath me, surrounded by four thick posters carved from dark wood. Glancing around the room, I saw no one, only bookcases of dark wood that stretched from the floor to the ceiling. The chair and table across from the bed were empty.
I was in Collin’s room. And he was not here.
I slipped out of bed and padded to the door. Pressing my ear to the wood, I listened. Not a sound came through. When I turned, there was a mirror behind me. My tangled hair was crusted to my head. I pressed my hands to my face, and turned looking for the bathroom. Collin’s room was enormous, filled with dark wood, dark carpets, and dark fabrics that all felt wonderful to touch. There was a pocket door at the back of the room. It slid open to reveal a gleaming ivory bathroom with dark fixtures. My bag was on the counter along with some towels. A glass container was next to the washcloth. I pressed down on the top and clear liquid came out. Raising it to my nose, I sniffed and closed my eyes. Body wash. And it smelled like Collin.
I closed the door and showered, dressing quickly. After brushing the knots out of my hair, I went to the massive window that stretched between the bookcases and pushed back the lush drapes. I wanted to feel the sunlight on my skin. I wanted some semblance of normalcy. Right then, my life felt perfect. When the drapes parted, I saw the lawn gleaming white with snow. It covered everything and left the world bright with its shimmering cold touch.
His hand on my shoulder made me jump. I squeaked and turned sharply. I clutched my heart. Collin stood behind me, but I didn’t feel him approach. He held a cup of hot cocoa. I took it with thanks. My hands were freezing. I wondered if I’d ever be warm again.
Collin swallowed and looked past my shoulder and out the window. Tension lined his body, although I couldn’t feel much of his thoughts. He seemed distant. Confused. I wondered if he was doing it on purpose.
I turned to him, lifting the cup of cocoa. “Thank you.”
His eyes were lifeless, like melted wax from a blue crayon. They revealed nothing. “For what?”
I turned back to the window staring at the blanket of snow that covered the frozen earth. I raised the cup to my lips and took a sip. The lack of warmth in Collin’s voice, the way he was acting—still defensive and angry—worried me. Why couldn’t I sense the reason? The bond made it difficult to hide things, especially when it was so plainly painted across his face.
Looking down into my steaming cup, I answered, “For last night. I was exhausted… Thank you for taking me here.” He nodded. I could feel the movement behind me. When I shifted my focus from the cup to his reflection in the glass, I grew more concerned. I studied his dark hair in the glass, wondering how he could be so hidden from me. How did he sneak up on me? That’d never happened before. My teeth grazed the side of my lip, as I worried. My gaze was locked on the window, too afraid to turn around.
But minutes passed, and Collin’s expression didn’t change. His eyes were dull and dark. The lines of his face creased, as he tried to maintain his composure. I should be able to hear his distress. I should have known. But I didn’t. When I couldn’t stand it anymore, when the silence was too deafening, I finally asked, “Why can’t I feel you? Why are your thoughts hidden from me?” I turned toward him, looking up into his face. “Your mind, your feelings and thoughts… ” my voice dropped to a concerned whisper. I searched his eyes looking for the answer. “I can’t sense them.”
His gaze shifted off the frozen window pane and down into my face. His hair tumbled forward, and he blinked once, slowly. Dark circles clung under his eyes. Weariness lined Collin’s lips as they formed into a thin, straight line. He lifted his hand, and slowly moved his fingers toward the ends of my hair. I didn’t flinch or pull away. The lack of sensation between us made it much easier for me to control my actions.
Lifting a curl, he affixed his gaze upon it, and then looked back at me, dropping the lock of hair. “I don’t know.” His jaw opened, as if he was going to say something else, but he snapped it shut and turned from me. My eyes slid over his back as he walked over to the bed, turned and sat down on the edge.
Stepping away from the window, I stared at him. He’d changed his clothes from last night. His hair was perfectly rumpled, his deep blue shirt clung to his body, revealing the subtle curves of his form. But something seemed wrong, in addition to the bond. Maybe it was because I couldn’t sense him? His scent wasn’t tempting me very much either—that sweet seductive fragrance that was enticing me only days ago, was so faint that I could barely catch his scent. I pressed my bare foot to the floor, growing more concerned with each step I took towards him. With each pace, I expected his scent to fill my mind with passionate thoughts. But it didn’t. I took another step, and then another. Toward the bed. Towards Collin. But nothing happened.
My head tilted slightly. Damp hair hung in twisting curls that fell to my back. The black tank I bought covered me, but I still felt exposed under his gaze. Collin’s eyes slid over me from where he sat on the edge of the bed. They rose from my bare feet, to my hips, slowly sliding over every curve until his eyes met mine. Collin leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, with his arms draped over his lap. Icy eyes, the color of midnight watched me. They were mysterious once again. His eyes revealed nothing. No thoughts. No desires.
One last step and I stopped in front of him. My gaze drifted across the room to a mirror. Inside its silvery walls I saw myself standing in front of him with damp hair and bare arms. My throat tightened as I watched Collin. My foot began to slide back, but he reached for my waist and pulled me to him. Shock shot through me, causing me to inhale sharply. He pressed his face to my waist, inhaling slowly. I rested my hands on his shoulders, and looked down at him. Collin’s grip was pressed against me. I could feel every curve of each finger through my clothes. I could feel the strength of his hands as he held me.
But the bond was silent.
My desire was non-existent. If his hands were on me like this last year, my heart would have exploded in my chest. But now, I could feel his grip. I knew that Collin was there, and I could sense the pressure and weight of his hands on me, but it was like our connection was broken. The alluring nature of his touch was gone. Slowly, he turned his chin and looked up at me. I could see it in his eyes, in the hollowness that lined his face—he could sense it too.
The bond was broken.
I placed my hands on top of his, wanting to see if the skin on skin contact still worked. When the bond started, Collin could only hear me if we touched. Maybe it would still work. Looking into his eyes, I slid my palm over his hand. There was warmth, and it still brought comfort to feel his skin beneath mine, but there was no connection. I couldn’t hear his thoughts. His mind didn’t brush mine. There was only the touch of our fingers, not minds.
Collin pressed his eyes closed, pulled his hand out of my grip. His lips pressed together tightly, as if he were going to say something and changed his mind. I waited to hear him speak. I wanted to know if he was as shocked as I was. But the expression on his face kept my mouth shut. I didn’t reach for him again, or ask him to tell me what he was thinking. The slant of his shoulders and the tension in his jaw said enough. He watched the floor, his eyes shifting back and forth, thinking. Silent. He no longer moved his gaze across my body. He wouldn’t look at me.
Collin leaned forward and rose. His body pressed into mine because I didn’t step back. I wouldn’t allow him to leave without a word. The tight muscles in his chest moved against me as he stood. His gaze touched my face, but I couldn’t hear his thoughts. I couldn’t feel his emotions. My stomach stirred. My throat went dry as invisible threads of panic tightened around my neck.
Collin watched me with his lips parted slightly. His chest rose and fell with every breath he took, pressing against me. My fingers slid around his wrist. I raised his hand to my shoulder and placed it on the exposed skin on my neck. Collin watched me take his hands, and said nothing. Gazing into his beautiful face, I felt my breath catch in my throat. My jaw stiffened, as I tore my eyes away. Wrapping my fingers around his other hand, I put it on the back of my shirt. I moved his fingers down my back and to the bottom of my shirt. Collin’s gaze remained locked on my face, as I placed his hand under the fabric and rested it directly on the warm skin at my waist. His arms were stiff. The embrace felt forced. Afraid. His gaze finally lifted from mine, when I lowered my lashes. I leaned into him and slipped my hands under his shirt, pressing my fingers to his back. I rested my hands on his waist, swallowing hard, and waiting for him to pull away. But he didn’t. My touch gently moved across his taught muscles, feeling every dip and curve of his back.
Collin sucked in a small gasp of air when my hands pressed against him. And then neither of us moved. The sunlight streamed across the room, falling across Collin’s face accentuating his perfection. His lashes lowered. They were dark against his smooth skin. His gaze fixated on my lips making me forget what I was doing. His lips parted as I watched him. Collin was so close. His scent filled my head making me forget what I was doing. I blinked once and turned my face from him. His eyes flew back to mine.
Suddenly, I remembered what I was doing, why I put his hands on me, and why I was touching him. Collin? I asked, brushing his mind with my thoughts. I breathed gently, too afraid to move. Too afraid to shatter the moment.
His eyes flickered with relief as he felt it. The emotion echoed back faintly in my mind. He smiled softly at me. Ivy. The way he said my name made me melt. The apprehension in his eyes faded when he felt the warmth of my skin. We could still hear each other. Closing his eyes, Collin pulled me to him, and pressed his face into the curve of my neck and breathed deeply.
Relief flooded me. I didn’t realize how much he still meant to me until that moment. I was so mad at him. When Eric told me that Collin had fed me blood, more than once, I couldn’t forgive him. I no longer trusted him. It didn’t matter what he said or why. Feeding me his blood made it so I couldn’t trust myself. I didn’t know if I really loved him or if that was a side-effect of the demon blood. I didn’t know if the bond was real either. And up until this point, I wished the bond would break. I didn’t want the intrusion. I couldn’t bear having Collin in my mind, not if he didn’t love me.
But his hands on my body, the relief that erased the tension in his shoulders, and his inner sigh as I brushed across his mind—it made me realize something important. I believed him. Collin used his blood to heal me. If he had used his blood on me the way Eric did, I’d feel it. I’d feel it now more than ever. But I didn’t. The emotions coming from Collin weren’t lust-driven. They were deeper. He needed me in a way I didn’t fully understand until that moment. There was passion, kindness, and a steadfast nature that seeped through his thoughts, as his cheek pressed against my neck.
And I needed him. I wanted him with me. I wanted his company. And it was more than his beautiful face, and more than the seduction of his voice. It was him. And everything about him. His determination. His compassion. His sense of humor and the way he saw the world. The way he made me laugh. The comfort he brought. It was him. I loved him. And I realized at that moment, that I always would.
The contact of his flesh against mine made something inside of me stir. My stomach twisted as Collin’s thoughts pressed into me gently with a rush of affection I didn’t expect. He pressed his lips against my neck. Every ounce of restraint broke as his lips touched me. Another kiss at the base of my neck made my knees buckle. Collin caught me in his arms, pressing my body tightly to his, as he lowered me onto the bed. He lifted his hands from under my back and kneeled, looking down at me. The sunlight surrounded him, making him look ethereal. His eyes were sparkling, full of life. He pressed one hand next to my head, and the other by my waist and lowered his body on top of mine, pressing into me.
My heart beat wildly in my chest and I finally felt warm. My arms reached around him, holding him tightly against me. When I released the embrace, my hands traveled along the curve of his back, feeling him against me. The weight of his body on top of mine made me feel sedate and giddy at the same time. Lightheadedness surged through me as every inch of my body felt like it was on fire. A soft smile slid across my lips, as I looked up at him.
I didn’t want to release my grip on his waist. His skin felt so perfect. The moment was perfect. I wanted to press my lips to his, and feel the heat of his body against me—but I couldn’t. That would never happen. That could never be. Lorren’s warning pressed into the front of my mind, shifting my mood rapidly. I didn’t want Collin to feel what Lorren had said to me. I didn’t want him to know. I could feel the beat of Collin’s heart, as his body pressed into me. His breath on my neck was jagged and warm.
Pressing my eyes closed, I savored the sensation before I slid my hands off his waist. They fell to my side, resisting the intense urge to run them through Collin’s hair and pull his lips down on top of mine. It was getting so warm, and my mind was clouding. I couldn’t tell him what Lorren did to me. I couldn’t tell him that the kiss would steal my soul—and his—but we had to stop. Collin seemed to sense that the moment was over. He pressed a kiss to my cheek before he moved away. I sucked in a deep breath, as I felt him move across my body, every tight muscle in his chest sliding across me slowly until he was laying on the bed next to me. He tucked his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling with a smile on his face.
Turning to him, I laughed, “Tease.”
His gaze darted to the corner of his eyes, where he saw me, smirked, and let out a little laugh. Releasing one hand from behind his head, he took my hand in his and we both laid there for a moment, neither of us willing to move. I turned my head back toward him. His profile was regal perfection. The beauty of the slant of his nose and the angles of his cheeks were amplified by the golden sunlight that washed across his face. The entire bed was drenched in sunlight. It streamed in from the cold glass window panes, which were etched with vines of frost.
Collin turned and looked at me. His eyes had a flicker of bright blue within their depths again. I stared, unable to look away, afraid that the familiarity between us, the feeling of oneness, might slip away again.
Clearing my throat, I asked softly, “What happened to us?”
His gaze steeled. The bond was fleeting, like a snowflake pressing against the warmth of bare skin. In the past, laying there with him, and feeling his fingers intertwined with mine, would have been enough to open the floodgates of the bond. Everything would pour between us without a word. But, the faintness of the bond made my brow crease and the pit of my stomach feel like it was filled with glass.
Collin shrugged, looking away. “You. You did this.” His fingers touched the thin white line that extended up my neck. The scar the Demon Princess inflicted would be gone in a few hours, but right then, there was still a welt. I stopped breathing as he traced the welt with his pointer, gently feeling my skin move beneath his hand. His bottom lip pushed into the top suddenly. I sucked in a breath as Collin sat up and snaked his hands around my back, lifting me off the bed. His palm pressed into me, as he pulled me up off the mattress. His eyes locked with mine as his fingers moved along my back, feeling the curve of my body and the many ridged scars that failed to heal. I could barely breathe, barely move. Collin’s gaze tore into mine, searching through my mind, looking for the memory of who did this to me. But he didn’t find it. There was no face. No memory.
I sat up, and his hands fell away. Collin shifted on the bed next to me, watching. I reached for the back of my shirt, and lifted it to expose my skin. I gazed into the mirror behind me. My eyes slid over too many ridges and welts to count. Many were still bright red. Some were so thick that Collin’s hand was not wide enough to cover them. My mouth hung open. My skin didn’t heal. It should have been white like the scar at my neck that was fading, but it wasn’t. None of them were. A maze of scars ran across my back covering every inch of me. I pressed my lips together, not comprehending their existence.
His voice shattered the silence, “This. This is what happened to us. This is what destroyed the bond.” He gestured toward my back. His eyes pierced me and I wanted to weep, but there was no moisture in my eyes. He pressed his lips together, and shifted his eyes to my back. “Was it worth it? Did you want to be rid of me so badly?”
My eyes were wide, “No! It wasn’t like that. I didn’t know… ”
Collin wouldn’t let me look away from him. His eyes contained so much grief that I couldn’t stand it. A moment passed before he spoke again. He reached for a loose curl and tucked it behind my ear. The back of his palm grazed my cheek as he withdrew his hand. “You could have heard me before. You would have heard how much you mean to me. There was no question,” he shook his head, “But you didn’t believe me, and you did this. I can’t fathom it. I can’t understand why you would do this. You’re so close to losing every feeling you have. And it was all to push me away? It was to end your connection with me?”
“No, Collin. It wasn’t like that. I didn’t mean to… ” Rubbing my hands over my face, I pushed back my hair and looked down at the bed sheets. Tiny creases formed folds in the smooth white cotton. “I had to. It wasn’t optional.” Swallowing hard, I turned my head upward and looked at the ornate ceiling. Dark stained wooden beams ran the length of the room.
“Everything is optional,” he retorted. He didn’t look at me while he spoke. “You did this. You chose this. I told you. ” He could no longer speak. His throat released choked words, “I told you… How I felt. I told you the blood wouldn’t harm you. I never wanted to push you away.”
“I never wanted you to leave. Collin, I don’t want to lose you.”
“That’s not what it looks like.” He shook his head, refusing to look at me. He pushed his hair away from his face and turned away from me, hanging his leg over the side of the bed, ready to stand.
I reached for him, wrapping my fingers around his arm. He glanced down at my grip, and back into my face. My jaw hung open as I tried to find the right words and failed, “But it’s the truth.”
He laughed, leaning in toward my face. His lips brushing lightly against mine. My lower lip trembled as he spoke, “The truth. The truth is you make me crazy! The truth is you came here to torment me, sliding your hands over my body only to show me that you’d throw away the bond to be rid of me!”
I grabbed his hands, as his face searched the room, looking anywhere but at me. “No! You don’t understand! It’s not what happened. It wasn’t like that!” When he didn’t turn, I pressed my hands against his cheeks and turned his face toward me.
“Then explain it to me.”
Blinking hard, I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn’t find the words. Collin watched me. After several minutes of silence passed, he looked away. His muscles tensed as he was about to stand. The words I didn’t want to say came tumbling out of my mouth. “I made a blood bargain.”
He flung himself over me in a heartbeat, knocking me back on the bed. Oh God. His eyes! The expression on his face—it was as if I could see his heart shatter into a million tiny pieces and skitter across the floor. I sucked in a breath and tried to look away from his face, but he took my head in his hands and made me look up into his face. Blue eyes burned with rage as he looked down at me, as he bit back a mad scream. “How could you?”
His arms flexed once, hard, and he pushed himself off of me, and shot up. When his feet hit the floor, the muscles in his arms and chest were ripped into tight cords, bulging through his shirt. His hands pressed to his mouth, as he stared at nothing. Horrified. His open hand curled into a fist. He turned, and crossed the room with a speed that made me gasp. Collin drew back his shoulder and released a punch that connected with the wooden bookcase, splintering the ornately carved wood. He rounded on me as shards of wood flew through the air. His shoulders, his muscles, his neck were all so strained that I couldn’t look away. My heart raced in my chest, but no fear slid into my stomach. I didn’t feel the need to run. Collin effonated to the bed, and jumped next to me, catching my shoulders as his weight threw me in the air and throwing me down on the bed. His hands slammed down on either side of my head. Collin held me still with his chest, locking me in place with his arms. “Why? Why? Why would you do such a thing?” he screamed in my face.
For a moment there was nothing but the sound of my breath as he waited for a response. It was a response I couldn’t give. I did it because I had to. I did it because I had no choice. Finally words came to me, “I did it because you can’t protect me from him forever.” Collin’s jaw twitched as it locked tight. My heart roared in my ears. It felt like I was yelling, but my voice came out in a whisper. “There is no way out of the prophecy, Collin. You know that. This won’t end, not until I end it.” He shot away from me, like I was poison. Jumping upright, I crawled off the bed on my knees. His back was to me. Every muscle in his body looked as if it could explode. I didn’t touch him. “Collin, I didn’t want it to affect us. I didn’t know… ”
He rounded on me. Within seconds he was in my face. “But I did. I told you the price was too high. I told you nothing was free. Not when demons are involved. And now you are bound to this demon until he’s done with you… if he doesn’t kill you first! And how are you going to live with this?” He thrust a finger forward, pressing it against the place where the venom laid in my chest.
I shook my head, swatting his finger away, trying to keep him from seeing what Locoicia did. “Collin, it’s not like that. You don’t understand.” My arms reached behind me, as I tried to move away from him, crawling backwards across the bed.
Collin leaned down into my face, roaring. Angry. Afraid. “No! You don’t understand! They don’t play by the rules. They aren’t fair. Anything, and everything they say is covered in lies! Damn it, Ivy!” His hands shot to his hair, where he pulled. He hesitated, his arms shaking. When he turned back to me, Collin’s eyes were wild, burning like the blue flame at the center of a massive fire. Collin reached for me. I didn’t realize what he was doing until it was too late. His fingers grabbed my neckline and pulled hard. The fabric tore like a tissue in his hand. The piece of dark cloth fell away. Shocked, I stood there with my mouth hanging open. My instincts were too slow. My hands hesitated. Before my arms shot up to cover me, his eyes saw it. Smooth skin. No trace of the venom that was killing me.
His lips parted as he looked into my face, as his eyes narrowed to untrusting slits. I cracked my jaw to speak, but he reached for me. His hand shot out, pulling my arms away from my chest. Then his thumb slid along the top of my bra, making my heart leap into my throat. He stared at the patch of soft, white flesh. There was no dark line marring my breast. The sapphire serum appeared to be gone. There was nothing but smooth skin. Twisting out of his reach, I grabbed the remnants of my shirt and clutched them to my chest.
I wanted him to understand, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. He sucked in a sharp breath and dropped his hand. “He healed you.” His words were scarily calm. His eyes were suddenly sucked free of anger. Looking into my face, he asked, “What was the price?” My lips parted, but I couldn’t speak. I leaned away from him. “What was the price!” Turning abruptly, he snapped off one of the posters and hurled it across the room. The massive piece of carved wood slammed into the bookcase, tearing away a chunk of wood as it bounced away, and shattered the mirror. Shards of glass flew through the room, sprinkling across the floor like a can of spilled glitter.
“Collin, stop!” I screamed. He turned slowly toward me. His back was curved, ready to fight. Crimson pooled in his blue eyes making them burn like hot coals. Gasping, I backed away from him. Nothing I said would reach him now. Not like this. I tried to slide past him, but he caught my arm. His fingers pressed hard into my flesh. I moved to twist out of his grasp. There was something in his eyes I hadn’t seen in a very long time.
Lust.The desire for a demon kiss. His eyes fixated on me. Their intensity made me feel entirely naked. It was as if I’d been stripped of everything as I stood before him. My breath caught in my throat.
Nodding slowly, talking softly I pressed my fingers on top of his hand—the hand that held my arm. “It’s all right. It’s all right, my love.” I slowly peeled away his fingers as I felt his grip loosen. “You’re starving… ” I asked looking into his eyes as I peeled away another finger. “Aren’t you? It’ll be all right, Collin. Just breathe. Breathe and I’ll help you.” I peeled away the last finger. An inky bruise was blossoming in four narrow patches where he’d held me. I ignored it. It would fade. Collin fought every instinct he had. His eyes remained locked on mine. I couldn’t look away. When I’d freed my arm, I placed my hands on his face and stroked his cheeks, slowly speaking softly to him until the tension that made his body shake ebbed.