Camp that night was an abandoned barn on the valley floor. Sasha sat on a hay bale, her back to one corner of the barn's outer wall, where it would shelter her from the wind. On the grass nearby, there were many sheep huddled—Sasha knew only because of the occasional, restless bleating, their woolly shapes mostly invisible in the darkness. She gazed at the stars for a long, long time, thinking of many things, yet of nothing in particular. Sleep seemed far away.
A dark shadow approached soundlessly to her left, from over by the barn's mouth. There was just enough light for her to make out Kessligh's familiar outline, even wrapped in heavy cloak and blanket. He settled onto the hay bale at her side without a word. For a while they sat together, uman and uma, and gazed at the stars.
“It's past time for my watch,” Kessligh said then.
“I won't sleep,” Sasha replied. “I might as well take another watch if I'm to stay awake.”
“The surest way not to sleep is not to try,” Kessligh remarked. “Meditate. I slept well enough during the war in full knowledge that I would fight the next day. You should manage.”
“Probably.” Somehow, she just couldn't manage the energy for one of their customary arguments of technique and method.
“Sasha,” Kessligh said then, with the note of a man about to begin something…
“I don't know what else I could have done,” Sasha cut him off, tiredly. “There are lines to be drawn. In this land, respect is everything, and to tolerate such disrespect is to invite our enemies to attack us. Master Farys crossed the line. The north cannot be allowed to think their Lenay enemies will not fight back, otherwise they will continue to push and push, and soon every group in the land that does not agree with their bigoted ways will find themselves under attack.”
“I agree,” said Kessligh. Sasha turned her head against the wooden barn wall and gazed at the dark outline of his face. “I blame myself, in part. But the way of the uman is not the way of a parent. I cannot dictate your path to you, I can only help you to find your own.
“And I have seen this coming for a long time. I've warned you, haven't I?” Glancing across at her, a faint motion in the dark. “I warned you of consequences should you continue your attraction to the Goeren-yai so openly. I told you the offence it would cause, here in the north in particular. But perhaps, like so many things, it was meant to be.”
Sasha frowned. “That doesn't sound like serrin philosophy. That sounds fatalistic.”
Kessligh shrugged. “I am human, after all. But then it is serrin philosophy, too. Life is a battle, Sasha. All existence is in conflict. We fight the elements, we fight our consciences, we fight the limitations and eventual mortality of our bodies. All things happen by conflict, of one sort or another. The serrin have long recognised this fact. Once, long ago, they fought amongst themselves as we did. But then, having accepted the inescapable reality of conflict, they set themselves toward finding ways of living with it and negating its worst consequences.”
He sighed, softly, and resettled his shoulders against the hard barn wall, seeking better posture. “It was always going to be trouble, Sasha. Choosing you for my uma.” Sasha's eyes strained to make out his expression. “I knew it then, and I know it now. But I could make no other choice. I knew the choice would cause conflict, but sometimes, a forest fire brings new life, and from bloodshed can spring renewal. Such matters are not always ours to decide.”
“Renewal,” Sasha murmured. “That's a Goeren-yai philosophy.”
“Warlike cultures always believe in renewal,” Kessligh replied. “They have to.” And then, before she could respond…“Sasha, I'm not happy that you chose a fight. I sympathise with your reasons, but you are far too important to be risking yourself in such a way. Important to your role as uma, and important to me personally.
“However, what's done is done. And I know you, Sasha. You cannot sleep because you feel compassion. Even for a thug like Farys Varan, you feel compassion because you know your skills utterly outclass his. I know because I've faced the same. When your opponent has so little chance, it feels like murder, and then you must face your conscience.”
He reached from beneath his blanket and clasped her shoulder with one firm, sword-hardened hand. “Feel no pity for him, Sasha. Only you can cause your defeat tomorrow morning. As skilled as you are, any hesitation, any indecision against a man of his talents will surely cost your life. As long as you remain hathaal, he cannot touch you. But hathaal requires total concentration and technical perfection. In that way, he actually has more leeway for error than you. He fights with strength and strength is always strong, even when imperfectly applied. For svaalverd, strength comes from the application itself. Should the application fail, you shall lose not only technique, but strength as well.”
“I know,” Sasha murmured. “I know that. The edge is fine, even against my opponents in the Baerlyn training hall. At my best, even the best of them is no chance against me. When I fight distracted, or without full concentration, I come home black and blue. But…” and she took a deep, shuddering lungful of cold air, “…you know my moods. I cannot sustain one emotion for any long period. And now, as much as I hated Farys at the time, and still hate him now…it is difficult to sustain. That's all.”
“You hold the Hadryn responsible for Krystoff's death,” Kessligh reminded her.
Sasha nodded. “I do,” she murmured. “But it was not by their own hands. It was not by Farys's hand.” A flash of memory…a priest at the door to the tuition room. Musical lessons—the piccolo pipe, no less. A grave, sombre man, kneeling at Sasha's side. Dawning trepidation and terror. “They misinformed him as to the size of the Cherrovan raiding party. They knew he would charge in and be defeated by superior numbers. Once, I thought I could kill every man in Hadryn for that treachery. But now…” She broke off, unable to finish the sentence. A lump grew in her throat. For a moment, there was only the silence of the vast, cold night.
“Perhaps I don't love him enough,” Sasha whispered. The piccolo pipe, falling to the floor. Breaking. “He was my only true friend. He had faith in me when no one else would. I dreamed of duelling with Hadryn men for vengeance for many years. I should not be having these doubts. If I'd truly loved Krystoff, I'd kill Farys and dance on his corpse.”
“Dreaming is easy,” said Kessligh. “Killing is hard.”
“It shouldn't be,” Sasha said. “Not if you believe in the cause.” She gazed at her uman, her eyes hurting. “How did you do it? You've killed so many. How do you do it, and not doubt?”
“I always doubt,” Kessligh replied, with as close as Sasha had ever heard him come to a gentle tone. “When you cease to doubt, you are lost. But the world is as it is, Sasha. One cannot find peace without accepting that. People die and people kill, and even if we are all flawed people, we cannot achieve anything good if we allow our enemies to defeat us. We must survive, Sasha. You must survive. Now, by your own choice, you must kill to survive. And you shall.”