“Damn,” he said through clenched teeth. “April, you don’t have to talk about it.”
“You brought it up,” I said in a melodic tone that dropped an octave. I never talked about it with anyone, including Trevor. Why I was rambling about my life story to a man I barely knew was beyond me. “She started using when I was around twelve or thirteen. I just remember seeing pills and bags of weed. I guess dad didn’t make enough to support her habit because she started staying out all night. I didn’t understand what was going on at first, but then the fights began. I can’t believe she did that to my father,” I almost mouthed more than said.
“Users have no control. No one can help them if they don’t choose to help themselves.”
“She could have tried. She had a family, but she wanted to escape. None of it was ever good enough. We weren’t good enough. I’ve never tried drugs and I never will. That’s not the kind of person I want to be. I deal with my problems.”
Not just mine, but I was cleaning up everyone else’s.
Reno worked on rolling one of his long sleeves a little higher, keeping his eyes low. “Have you seen her?”
“It’s been years. The last time I saw her, she borrowed a bunch of money from my grandma. She stayed in the trailer for two days shooting up, and when I hid her drugs, she called someone. He showed up and went ballistic.”
Reno’s face hardened. “Who’s he?”
“Her pimp, boyfriend, dealer—who knows. He tried to hit on Rose and she was just fourteen at the time. There was a big scuffle and Grandma called the cops when he broke the folding door in her bedroom. They left and she’s kept in touch with me, but only when she needs to borrow money. My dad was the only solid thing I had in my life, and he was killed in a car accident.”
My bottom lip twitched along with my cheek and I covered my face. I was about to have a meltdown at Sonic.
A slim girl in a pair of roller skates wheeled in our direction and slid a red tray onto the table. “Here you are. Ketchup? Napkins?” Her blond ponytail swung from side to side.
“All of it,” he said, handing her a bunch of bills. “Here. Keep the change, darlin’.”
“Wow. Thanks, mister!”
She skated off and Reno’s hand curled around my wrist. Not to pull it away from my face and make me snap out of my funk, instead he just stroked his fingers on the back of my hand and let me have a moment.
“I don’t want kids,” I blurted out, deciding to go all the way with my confessional to a total stranger. What did I have to lose? If anything, maybe someone would be honest with me for a change. “Do you think that makes me a bad person?”
When he didn’t answer, I lowered my eyes. “Kids are great, but I’m just not wired that way. Just because I can have them doesn’t mean I should. I don’t want to take the chance of messing up someone else’s life the way mine was.” I wiped my finger under my lashes and stared at a smudge of liner on my finger. “Great.”
Reno handed me a napkin and I wiped off my face.
“Don’t let your parents’ fuckups make that kind of decision for you.”
After a deep sigh, I wadded up the napkin and put it on the table. “Sometimes it’s okay to be honest with yourself, but not everyone understands it. They think you’re selfish and missing out. But I’ve seen how it can go wrong, even with good intentions. Sometimes kids grow up to despise their parents. I just decided a long time ago that I was completely okay with not having a family. Rose will have kids for the both of us, and I’ll love being an aunt to them. But me?” I shook my head, unable to explain where I was coming from.
I laughed when I noticed the mountain of tater tots in front of me. His eyes flashed up briefly and I wondered if he thought my laugh strange. Lexi used to say I sounded like a mischievous fairy.
Then I noticed what was going on over on Reno’s side of the table. “Do you have OCD?”
Reno dramatically tilted his head to the side and I snapped my mouth shut. He continued to neatly squeeze ketchup onto the edge of a plastic wrapper and placed the empty packages in a straight line. It was as if everything in front of him had its place.
“Do what’s best for you, April. I don’t judge. I’ve seen a lot of bad shit if you want to know the truth. There are people out there unfit to parent, or maybe they’re just stressed because they can’t swing the rent and they have another kid on the way. Maybe they never got to have a life of their own before it all started. But yeah, some people just aren’t wired that way. I get it.”
“Thanks.” I took a slow bite of my tot and then another. I never imagined I could be so open with a stranger and not be judged. “Now that I’ve slammed you with all the heavy stuff on our first date, maybe we should talk about the last movie you saw,” I said with a laugh.