I eyed him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I expected some kind of quip in return, but instead Rivers studied me. Even in the dim light, I could see the blue in his eyes. He must have been able to see it in mine, too. “You know he’s crazy about you, right?” he said.
“If you mean I make him crazy, then yes, I know,” I said carefully.
“That, too,” he agreed with a grin. “But we both know what I’m talking about.”
Except I didn’t. All I could see when I looked at Knox was the way he viewed me as nothing more than an annoyance. Our so-called friendship had been going steadily downhill since Augusta’s death, and now we could barely say a word to each other without bickering. That wasn’t him being crazy about me. That was us driving each other insane.
“I’m with Benjy,” I said resolutely. “I love him.”
“Doesn’t stop Knox from wanting you.”
“Knox is better than that,” I snapped, and as soon as I realized what I’d said, I clamped my mouth shut. It was too late, though, and Rivers grinned.
“Is he? Wouldn’t have thought it from the way you talk about him.”
I gritted my teeth. There was no winning with Rivers, not when he seemed to be so damn sure and I had no way of defending myself. I had no idea how Knox really felt, but it didn’t matter. My loyalty to Benjy would never waver,and the insinuation that I would happily betray my best friend for someone who barely seemed to like me made me bristle.
“You think you’re being funny, but you’re not. This isn’t some sideshow to entertain you. This is my life. Benjy has been there for me in a way no one else ever has. He’s my family, and you don’t just push family aside for some itch you want to scratch. That’s not how real love works. Real love is support, even when you’re fighting. Real love is honesty, even when the truth hurts like hell. Real love is being there through every miserable minute and every infinite moment. Real love is—it’s sitting in that cage together with a gun pointed at your head, knowing all you have to do to save your life is kill him, and instead you hold each other because living without him isn’t living at all.” I sucked in a deep breath and blinked hard, an unnamed part of me twisting sharply. “Knox would have killed me if it meant winning the war. I’m nothing more than a pawn to him. But Benjy would have died for me.”
Rivers was quiet for several seconds, until at last he slipped an arm around my shoulders. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe the things I see when you aren’t looking are just my imagination. But for what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a pawn to him. You’re even more than the most important piece on the board. To Knox, there is no game without you.”
“Then he’s going to be bitterly disappointed when it ends.” Pain radiated down my side, and I winced. “I’m with Benjy. I love Benjy. Nothing will ever change that.”
“I don’t doubt it,” said Rivers, and at least he had the decency to sound slightly abashed. “Just—don’t forget that there’s more than one kind of love.”
I scowled, shrugging out of his embrace despite the ache it caused. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Whatever you need it to,” he said, holding up his hands in surrender. “Come on—this fork will take us as close to Mercer Manor as we’re going to get.”
I took a deep breath, willing the snarling, angry monster in the pit of my stomach to retreat. Rivers wasn’t in charge of my life. Just because he had an opinion didn’t give him any power over me. Who I chose to love was entirely up to me, and I’d made my decision long ago.
As we wound through the tunnel, I tried to map it in my head. It wasn’t unlike the way I’d memorized the sewer tunnels back in the Heights, where I’d grown up, and if I was right, the tunnel would let out in—
“Clothing storage,” said Rivers as he pushed open a piece of the wall. It, too, swung on hinges, but unlike the entrance we’d used, this closet was filled with racks and racks of boots. Most were worn and falling to pieces, and even those in the best condition were too far gone for anyone still in society to wear. Even IIs.
It was yet another reminder that despite being liberated by the Blackcoats, the prisoners were still exactly where they’d been before. But now we may have found a way to fix it.
“I want to map the entire tunnel system,” I blurted. “And I want you to help me.”