I gave him a sunny smile. “Sure. A lot of surprises today, weren’t there?”
“Surprises. That’s one way to put it.” He looked down at me, his gaze roving over my face. I thought a tiny doubt flickered, as if he wasn’t sure what I did and didn’t know. That was purely a guess, however. Alex knew how to shut me out, and he was shielding his emotions like they were gold nuggets within Fort Knox.
I waved good-bye to Truman and turned to Alex. My first impulse was to begin making excuses, to assure him I’d gone to Eugenie’s last night but hadn’t been able to go through with it. But it was heading down a deep well of lies that might eventually drown me.
“DJ, I don’t want to know what happened.” Alex at least had the decency to drop his voice. “I’m not going to ask and you’re not going to tell me.”
I caught the edge of anger in his voice; we both knew I’d gone around him, but I’d done it for his sake as well as Eugenie’s. “That’s best. I don’t want you stuck in the middle.”
“And yet here I am, in the middle.”
I wanted to come clean, to try to explain, to say whatever it would take to smooth things over between us. But those words would be lies, too, because I’d done what I thought was right. Still, his anger and hurt leaked through those formidable mental barriers of his, and they broke my heart.
What did you do that was so wrong? A little, nagging inner voice—my own, not Rand’s—posed that timid question. Why should you have to lie to make him love you, or pretend to be what you’re not, or sneak around to do what you think is right so that he won’t be mad at you? Why can’t he just love who you are?
Why can’t you love who you are?
I usually ignored my own still, small voice, but the inner DJ had hit me hard with those last two questions. I’d done the right thing. I shouldn’t have to beg or lie or sneak around in the hope I could make Alex love me more and, maybe, eventually accept me or respect me.
You shall not pass. Another figurative line in the sand across the chasm at Khazad-d?m or, in this case, Uptown New Orleans. I wouldn’t apologize for what I’d done, but I wasn’t ready for an ultimatum either. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” I whispered.
His eyes softened and he pulled me into a hug. I held on to him with both arms, as if by holding on, I could prevent the chasm between us from growing any wider. “It can’t be easy, can it?” His voice was soft enough that the others still milling around couldn’t hear him. “Where do we go from here?”
Where we went from here was that I wouldn’t put him in the position of having to lie for me. I pulled back and swiped a couple of stray tears off my cheeks. “I’m going to talk to Zrakovi, tell him the truth, and see what happens.”
Alex dropped his voice lower still. “Don’t push him too hard. He’s stressed out over your uncle as well as all the other shit going on. Lennox is ambitious. You want me to stay with you?”
I shook my head. “I need to do this alone. I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
He took a reluctant step back and gave me a smile before turning and disappearing down the hallway. Everyone else had gone except Rand and Zrakovi, and Rand was on his way toward the door. I didn’t plan to rat out Jean Lafitte, but I was going to tell Zrakovi that I’d gone to the elf last night. I needed to warn my coconspirator, so I dropped my mental shields.
Rand!
His shoulders gave a quick jolt. For God’s sake, Dru, I’m standing six feet away. Stop yelling.
I’m going to tell Zrakovi the truth. Nobody was hurt, your baby is safe, and I’m tired of lying.
Long pause. Really long pause. Are you sure? I can keep you out of it.
No, I disagreed with his orders and I need to stand up for what I believe.
Does this mean I can go ahead and kill him?
I closed my eyes. In my head, I heard Rand laughing. Just kidding.
Jerk.
“Elder Zrakovi, can I talk to you for a few minutes?” God, I hoped he was still the wizard I’d always thought him to be—calm, rational, and fair.
And, today, angry. “I think that’s a good idea. Would you wait outside, Mr. Randolph?” Zrakovi frowned at Rand, who hadn’t moved any closer to the door.
“I think I should stay, Mr. Zrakovi, at least for a minute. I would like to explain something.”
Zrakovi’s temper began simmering. Again.
Rand, let me handle this.