I couldn’t believe I was opening up to Jean like this, but he had trusted me with the truth so far, and I was asking for more. I had to give a little in return. “I’m grateful for all the times you’ve helped me and I’ve come to care for you a lot, but I need to know why you help me. All the reasons. Why did you sacrifice yourself to keep me safe last month?”
Jean was giving me what I thought of as his too-shrewd look, so I took another deep breath. “Alex and I have been working hard to build our relationship and make it last. I want it to work. If I am going to lie to him, I need to know what I am to you.”
There, I said it. My heart pounded so loudly he could probably hear it, and I opened my senses to his, trying to gauge his reaction. I needed to monitor his stress levels and aura to determine his truthfulness. Without my empathic shielding, I was like a lie detector with legs.
Jean was thinking, but not in a scheming way, which would have come across as tension. He was just … thinking.
“These questions I will answer, Drusilla, but there are other matters that I would like you to consider also.”
I nodded. “That’s fair.”
“You say that you and Monsieur Warin are working hard to build a relationship—those were the words you spoke. Do you mean that it requires work in order for the two of you to live in peace? That it is a chore, a difficulty?”
“No, but, well, yeah.” I mean, weren’t all relationships like that? Not that I had a lot of role models, but wasn’t that what adults did? They worked through problems in order to strengthen their bonds. Neither Alex nor I were people who opened our hearts easily, so we’d worked hard to get to this point.
Jean got up and poured himself another brandy. He held the decanter up with his brows raised in question.
“No more, thanks.” Not yet anyway.
“One more thing I would say before I reveal my own heart.” Jean reclaimed his seat on the opposite sofa. “From the words you say, I believe that it is your Alexander to whom you are concerned about telling lies, rather than your Elders. Perhaps you had not realized this thing.”
“I realize it.” I just wasn’t sure how to feel about it.
“Is your concern about lying to Monsieur Warin because you wish to protect him, or because you do not trust him to keep your innermost feelings safe from those who would harm you and those you care about? And is trust not necessary for the success of your liaison amoureuse, your relationship, as you call it?”
I needed that brandy after all, and propelled myself off the sofa and straight toward the decanter. My hands shook so badly some of the amber liquid splashed on the top of the bar. Jean had drilled down to the heart of the matter in mere seconds. The issue wasn’t how he felt about me. It was all about Alex.
I loved Alexander Warin. There, I’d put words to it, finally. I loved the idea of Alex, and of being with him. I loved the way he smelled, and the way he growled in the morning before his coffee. I loved the way he touched me and made me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. I loved the way his long lashes rested on his cheeks when he slept. I even loved that he got possessive and overprotective, although he still sold me short most of the time.
I loved Alex, but I didn’t trust him to put me first. Because he might love me in return, but I didn’t think he was capable of putting love before duty. He wasn’t wired that way. Oh, I’d dragged him off course a few times for minor things, but our lives were changing. The foundations of the wizards’ place in the prete world stood on quicksand. The stakes rose daily, and if Alex had to decide between supporting me and doing his duty for the Elders, I would either lose or he’d rip himself apart trying to choose, in which case he’d end up hating me for it.
There was the truth of it, in all its knife-edged glory.
Alex would never hurt me deliberately. He would protect me from physical harm with his life, and I’d do the same for him. But I had to follow my heart, whether it was beating in time with the Elders or not. Whether it was beating in time with Alex’s or not.
“I don’t know what to say.” I looked up at Jean, and felt his sympathy. I didn’t want pity. I wanted clarity, damn it. For once, I wanted to see things in black and white.
“Then I shall tell you the truthful answers to the questions you asked, about my own intentions and motivations. They are not so simple.”
Somehow, that came as no surprise.
Jean twirled the brandy glass stem between his fingers as he spoke. “Do I find your value as an ally to be an alluring thing? Mais oui, Jean Lafitte is not a stupid man. But is that why I help you? Why perhaps I make sacrifices for you? No, Drusilla. If I only needed an ally in politics, there are many ways in which I could achieve such a thing. Gold will buy many allies.”
Well, okay. That was probably true. Since he’d begun his navigation work with Zrakovi, he had a lot of contacts, maybe even wizard allies who were a lot less trouble than I. Although, like me, he might not fully trust them.