Now for the main course, you’re not getting Themis either. I have agreed to pilot her and defend the Russian Federation against foreign aggressors until I feel it is no longer necessary. I have entered this agreement of my own free will. I have been assigned a Russian copilot, and Themis is now fully operational. We are ready to engage your robot and will do so in sixty seconds if it is still here. I can’t tell you how that fight will end, but I’m sure you know that I have disabled one of these robots in the past. In fact, I’m the only living person to have ever fought one of these robots and won. With that in mind, I implore you not to test my resolve.
Now that we’ve covered your demands, let’s talk about mine. Yeah, I have some too. I demand that the United States remove any troops from Canada. I … I demand that the sovereignty of my country be restored fully, and immediately. I want my parliament to be allowed to meet. I’m not gonna let you bully everyone with that robot of yours anymore. That’s not what these things are made for. They’re supposed to be instruments of peace. I want the EDC restored. I want things back the way they were. Did I just ask for world peace? I think I just did. So until you can deliver that, don’t mess with me.
Oh yeah, I have also been asked to inform you that, as a precaution, Russian and Chinese submarines, each carrying a full complement of nuclear warheads, are currently under way to North America. But you knew that already.
So … Your call. I’ll even let you throw the first punch. Just make sure we don’t get up again.
That’s all I have to say. This is Vincent Couture. Over and out.
…
…
…
Oh, thank God! There. I’ve done it. They’re gone now. You can put the gun down.
Katherine, tell your man to put the gun down. Please.
[Oh, sorry. I’m just … WOW! Thank you, Vincent. Well done! I knew you could do it. What was that “I demand” bit at the end? I thought we’d agreed on your speech.]
I improvised a bit. I thought it would sound more convincing if I put something more personal in there. I mean, no offense, but what reason do I have to “help defend the Russian Federation?”
[Hey, I’m not complaining. You were great. Were you scared? I was. I almost wet myself, and I wasn’t even there. Woo! I need a drink!]
What would you have done if they’d attacked? We’d have had no choice but to surrender.
[You could have fought back! You could have gotten away, made Themis disappear or something. Couldn’t you? I hope so because that soldier had orders to shoot you if you lost.]
Shoot me how? He’s just standing there. One punch from that robot and he would have bounced around here like a rubber ball.
[I’m sure he’s glad to hear that now.]
There’s no fighting back, Katherine. We can’t even move our arms without another pilot! No escaping either, not if it’s anything like the one Kara and I fought. Themis won’t beam while it’s holding us. Something about the energy field.
[Oh, don’t be so negative, Vincent! You won!]
We bluffed, and they fell for it, but that’s as far as it goes. I can’t pilot Themis by myself.
[Then we better find you a copilot.]
How are you gonna do that?
[I have an idea! Another one, I know! It’s crazy. I never think of anything, then boom! Two in a row.]
FILE NO. EE149—PERSONAL FILE FROM ESAT EKT
Interview between Vincent Couture and General Eugene Govender
Location: Assigned residence, Etyakt region
—Goddammit, Couture! I’m not dead yet.
—I don’t know what to say. Did they tell you what it was?
—Well, your Opt friend told me, but I don’t understand anything he says. Something about my cells being out of control.
—Cancer?
—That’s what it sounded like to me.
—I’ll ask him.
—Why? I’m still dying. What difference does it make if I know what’s killing me?
—Maybe they can cure it.
—Do you think they’ll be able to cure it more if I know what it is? Besides, he’s already told me they can cure it. They just won’t.
—What?
—You heard me. He said they don’t want to in—
—Interfere.
—Exactly. I swear I’ll die if I hear that goddamn word one more time.
—That’s not funny, sir. I’ll talk to him. Maybe I can—
—What? Change his mind? I don’t think he makes those kinds of decisions. I know the people who do don’t give a damn about what you have to say. And it was funny! Maybe not fall-off-your-chair funny, but enough for a polite laugh.
—I’m serious, General. There has to be a way to convince them. There has to be. Rose knows some of their scientists, she—
—She can’t do anything. You know that. When they say they don’t want to interfere, they really mean that horseshit.
—But the Council. If they rule that we’re part Ekt. They’d have to take care of you then.
—That argument is what got us stuck on this rock in the first place. I don’t wanna be cured if it means spending the rest of my even longer life here. You’d be stuck too.
—We’ll cross that bridge—
—Screw that bridge, Couture. We’re not crossing it, ever.
—We can try!
—Goddammit! Listen to what I’m saying! I don’t wanna be saved! I don’t want you to do anything because I don’t want their stupid cure.
—I’m not gonna let you die.
—I don’t need your permission, son. I’m a general. I’m tired of this place. I’m tired, period. I’m seventy-one years old. I’m allowed.
— …
—What? You think I’m sorry to go? You think I have a bucket list I want to get through after all this?
—You don’t want to go home?
—I’d like … I’d like to live in an old house, alone. By a lake, or a river. Something small. I could sit on the porch and drink coffee, listening to the birds. And no one would come, and I’d never hear another word about war, or aliens, or any of this for the rest of my life. Do you think I can get that?
—Probably not, sir.
—Then no. I’m fine the way things are.
—I’m sorry, sir.
—Sorry for what? Are you apologizing to me because you can’t cure cancer? Or because you can’t make the world the way I want it to be? Either way, never be sorry about things you have no control over. You’ll just give yourself ulcers. Never half-ass anything. Drink plenty of wine. I think that’s about as much wisdom I have to offer. How’s your girl?
—She’s doing all right. Certainly better than the three of us. She has a day job. She’s fifteen, and she has a day job. Home … Things are a little rough at home. For one thing, I really suck as a schoolteacher. Rose helps me write lessons and stuff. I try my best. It was a lot easier when she was ten. We try to make it about things that she likes as much as we can—apples and pies aren’t cool anymore—but it’s fairly obvious that we have absolutely no clue what she likes nowadays.
—Apples and pies?
—You know. You have two apples and eleven friends. What does each friend get?
—Nothing. They get squat. I haven’t had an apple in five years. I’d shoot the eleven kids if I had to.
—Maybe you should be the one teaching her.
—I was until now.
—What are you talking about?
—Goddammit, Couture! Pay attention to your kid. She doesn’t have a day job, she has half a day job. The rest of the time she spends with that young guard trainee, some old man from the soup kitchen, that blue friend of yours.
—Esok? How do you know all that?
—I read tea leaves … Because she tells me, you idiot! She might tell you if you paid attention. She stops by my place every morning. She usually brings some yesketats she gets from the market.
—You like that red juice?
—Oh yeah.
—It’s too sweet for me.
—We talk, I show her things.
—What do you talk about?
—Whatever it is she wants to learn. She likes military strategy.
—You’re teaching her to fight?
—Do I look like a kung fu master to you? I’m out of breath after I tie my shoes. No! Strategy! Classical stuff: hammer and anvil, oblique order, blitzkrieg, flanking maneuvers—she likes that. We reenact famous battles, with beans and rocks. She’s a natural. She doesn’t know the names of things, but she has great instinct.
—I didn’t know that.
—I know you didn’t. You’re so busy trying to make all of this “normal,” making her feel like she’s back home, you don’t notice what’s happening here. I got news for you, son, this ain’t home. There’s nothing normal about it.
—I just want—
—I know what you want! You’re not getting it. Maybe it’s time you start wanting something else.