Stryker gathered her into his arms and savored the softness of her body against his as guilt shredded him. He'd made so many mistakes in his past. Mistakes that kept him awake long past dawn when he should have been sleeping. But with her here, he felt as if he had another chance to undo some of what tore at his conscience.
"I know." He wanted to make her forget the past. To earn her trust again. When he thought of all the years they'd been apart that they could have been together, it killed him. Because of his own stupidity, he'd missed everything.
His daughter's first step. First crush. Her marriage and the birth and death of the grandchild he'd never known. He should have been there to protect them. It was what he'd promised. Perhaps this was his punishment for making a vow before the gods that he hadn't kept. To see them now and lose them for eternity.
But he had to have hope. He couldn't just walk away without trying to salvage what they'd once shared. "Tell me what to say or do to earn your forgiveness."
Her eyes were as tormented as his soul. "I don't know, Stryker. Time has hardened me."
He snorted. "You? You're not the one who killed your own child over a simple act." Anger and grief ripped at his conscience as he saw Urian's face in his mind. But that was nothing compared to the guilt of what he'd done. "You talk about the humans killing your son-in-law when I'm the one who killed Urian's wife. I took from my child the one thing he loved more than the world. What kind of bastard am I?"
He had become his own father, and that he hated most of all. If only he could go back and undo that as well.
Zephyra brushed the hair back from his eyes. "Why?"
That was as complicated as the universe, and he was still trying to unravel all the reasons for what had spurred him to become the very monster he'd tried so hard not to be.
"She was part of Apollo's bastard Atlantean line. The descendant of my Apollite half sisters. For centuries, I'd been hunting them, killing them off in an effort to kill my father. So long as they live, he lives. He made the same bargain with their lineage as he made with mine . . . that our lives were conjoined—and unlike me and my descendants, they never went Daimon, so while my tie to him was severed, theirs never was. And after what he'd done to me over you, I wanted him dead."
He ground his teeth as raw emotions swelled and he craved the taste of his father's blood over everything. "All I remember from my childhood was the way my father doted on my sisters, especially the eldest, and how many times he said she should have been his legacy instead of me. No matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough for him. In retrospect, I don't know now why I even tried to please him, but since I had no mother to love me, I'd hoped that he might. It was why Satara and I were . . . well, as close as two vipers can be. Because her mother was human and not Apollite, she was never good enough for him, either. She was the only person he ever treated worse than me." It was also why he hated Apollymi so much. In the end, he hadn't been good enough for her any more than he'd been for his father.
She still preferred Acheron to him even though Acheron fought against her wishes and protected the very people she wanted to destroy. Meanwhile, he served her faithfully. Just once in his existence, he wanted to be good enough for someone. To have one person who was willing to sacrifice for him. But it wasn't meant to be.
"When Urian went behind my back to marry one of them and I found out about it, my temper exploded. I didn't see the repercussions past my need to strike out and hurt the very person I should have protected." He shook his head. "I'm such a bastard."
She didn't comment on that. Instead, she took his hand into hers and gave him a gimlet stare. "Why didn't you tell me this when we were married?"
He glanced down at their entwined hands and felt a surge of strength over the fact that she wasn't shoving him away in disgust. He'd never been this open with another soul and he wondered why he was so open now.
But then he knew. She was his heart and he'd missed having that vital organ. "I was ashamed. You were so impressed with my lineage that I didn't want you to know the truth of what my father thought of me. I didn't want anyone to ever learn it. I wanted to pretend that I was his beloved son who was destined to carry out his exalted plans."
He looked away, unable to bear her scrutiny as he laid bare the sorest part of his soul—it was a weapon he'd never laid into the hands of another being. "You know what the world was like then. I was the only Apollite son and my father used to tell me that my eldest sister was more of a man than I was."