Although I knew my eyes were open, I still wasn’t seeing anything. My vision had blacked out shortly after Ilyan had found me, followed by my consciousness. I had come back to myself only moments before, but my vision still hadn’t returned.
Ilyan moved my head gently, placing it in a more comfortable position against his leg, so that I could see him, I assumed. Still, the blackness consumed me. My body continued its attempt to drag me into death, but I didn’t take notice of its attempts, thanks to the overwhelming numbness I felt. Perhaps, if I hadn’t had the dull wash of pain to focus on, I would have gladly let it take me. I heard Ilyan exhale as he ran his fingers down my neck, tracing the silver chain of my necklace.
“Joclyn,” Ilyan whispered reverently. “I need you to focus on my hand. Focus on my hand against your cheek. We have to do something, and it is really going to hurt.”
Hurt? How could anything hurt? I felt so numb.
“Brother,” he said, and for one fleeting second I was terrified that someone else had found me, but Ilyan’s voice was smooth and calm. Who else was here?
“Brother,” he repeated, “I have her now; I need you to release her.” He paused as if waiting for a response, but none came.
“Listen to me, please,” Ilyan pleaded. “I cannot save her if you don’t let her go. I will protect her and keep her safe. But please, let her go. Let me save her life and give you the opportunity to save yours.” Still he waited, but nothing happened; no one responded to his pleas.
“She is dying, as are you. You must trust me.”
I felt my heart go into overdrive. Dying? Of course I knew it was true. In fact, I would have gladly chosen death not more than a few moments ago.
Ilyan waited before exhaling deeply, as if he had received a response.
“Focus on my hand, Joclyn.” Ilyan had a panicked edge in his voice that jerked my mind right back to him. “I’m right here.”
I couldn’t understand why he was so panicked or what was so scary, until I began to feel it. First, Ilyan’s concerned face swam into view as my vision returned, his hand plastered against my cheek. Soon after, the numbness began to dissipate. As it moved out of me, the intense pain of before began to come back. I felt it first in the tips of my fingers and toes then it moved up my arms and into my legs. A loud wailing began to fill my ears, the deep melancholy sound seeming to fully embody how I felt. It filled my ears with such sadness and heartbreak, it rattled in my bones. My eyes darted around, desperate to find the owner, but instead only found Ilyan, his lips a hard line.
I was the one making the noise.
It took me a moment to realize what else was leaving my body; the warmth. The warmth which reminded me so much of Ryland was leaving right behind the numbness. It sucked itself away from me, until I felt nothing but pain and loneliness. My mouth opened even further as my agonizing screams mixed with my tears. The pain, combined with the loss, created an emotional tidal wave that was too much for me to handle. I could feel my body begin to shut down.
My screams began to lessen as I let the endless nothingness that had stayed hidden off to the side of my consciousness cover me like a blanket. The blackness wasn’t as nice as the numbness I had felt, but it still took the edge off the pain. It seemed to tell me to just give up, and I wanted to, so badly.
“My hand!” Ilyan practically yelled. “Focus on my hand!”
I forced my eyes back to his and tried to move my mind away from the comfortable blackness I had let take over and onto the hand I felt cupping my cheek. My screams decreased as I focused on him, finally coming out in panicked puffs.
A new warmth began to fill me; it radiated out from where Ilyan’s hand rested on my cheek and began to fill my entire body. Although it felt the same as the warmth I always felt from Ryland, something was different and drastically wrong. My mind and body began to fight against it.
“Don’t fight me, Joclyn,” Ilyan pleaded. “You have to let me in.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about; my heart seized in panic as my cloudy brain tried to grasp hold of understanding.
“Let me in,” he whispered.
Could he possibly mean that the warmth was him?
The warmth continued to spread throughout me, followed closely by the numbness I had only recently lost. I welcomed the numbing, glad that the pain was sweeping away into a loose memory. I kept my eyes on Ilyan as the pain faded; desperately wishing I could clutch myself to him and demand answers. I wished I could yell and fight, or simply disappear. Nothing in my body worked properly; nothing moved and no words came.
Ilyan moved his hand away from my legs and produced a cell phone, leaving my limp body to fall like a ribbon over his folded legs. He dialed a number and placed the phone to his ear, all the while his hand never left my cheek.