“How do you two do it?” Jack asked, his eyes blinking open to stare at the ceiling. “How did you get past it?”
Ezra cleared his throat, speaking slowly. “It’s not that you get past it…” He sighed. “I’m not really the best person to ask this, because I went crazy for a little while when Felicia died, but for me…time and the friendship of you three have helped immensely. The pain isn’t so agonizing anymore. I loved Felicia, but she’s not coming back. I choose to live in the now, with hopes of a possible future — when I’m ready — rather than in the past.”
Pearl dunked herself again, which I realized was her washing away her silent tears.
“He explained it perfectly,” I murmured quietly, my own head resting against the rock floor, arching my neck over the tub’s edge. “That’s what helped me. Time and friendship.” I shook my head against the floor, stating bluntly, “There’s no easy fix to the pain of losing a mate.”
“Sometimes I wonder why we even have them,” Pearl whispered, her voice cracking. She cleared her throat. “I mean, why do that to someone when it hurts so badly when they’re gone?”
“The magic,” Jack murmured, grabbing Pearl’s hand as she brushed her hair back, both their entwined hands falling under the water. “We live so long, it’s supposed to be a gift to us, finding the one perfect person to live our life with.”
“I’ve never heard it put that way before.” Ezra tilted his head, eyeing Jack. “It makes sense, though.”
I blinked up at the ceiling. “I see the world through a crack.”
Pearl asked slowly, “Meaning?”
“I mean, I see the possibilities of a future after losing a mate. A truly happy one with another partner. Full of love and kindness and normal fights. At first, after Dominic died, I didn’t see that. All I saw was gray, a life I had to walk through. But now, through the crack, I see a world full of colors, a life I would love to walk through, not one I have to.”
“What’s stopping you?” Jack’s eyes were avid on me.
Ezra grunted. “The rest of the wall.”
I nodded, my head bumping his shoulder. “Exactly.”
Ezra stared at Jack and Pearl. “Once you get to where she’s talking about, which is exactly where I am too, you’ll see that fucking crack is so damn tiny compared to the rest of the damn wall.”
Pearl’s head cocked. “The wall is fear?”
Ezra nodded, but said, “Yes, but that’s not what you feel at first.”
“Disbelief,” I stated, not agreeing with Ezra completely on this one because I felt no fear.
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Then shock.”
I nodded this time. “Then a sort of void.”
He murmured, “A big dose of wariness comes next.”
Ezra glanced at me when I stayed mute.
I shook my head. “I don’t know what comes after that.” Wariness was where I was currently at, the feeling fairly new to my system.
Ezra blinked, staring. “Ah.” He turned his attention to Jack and Pearl. “Hope and fear come next, hard enough to cripple you.” We stared at him, waiting for more. He had been longer without his mate than any of us. Farther along in the grieving process. He shrugged lightly, stating, “I don’t know what comes afterward. I haven’t gotten there yet.”
Pearl’s eyebrows puckered. “If you don’t know, then how do you know for a fact you can cross over to this mysterious colorful life?”
I gauged Pearl and Jack, remembering how I had felt in their shoes, and answered for Ezra. “Because it’s not just a possibility, it’s reality.” When they only stared, I continued explaining the best way I knew how. “The Coms don’t have mates, and although their marriages end in divorce too many times to count, plenty don’t. Instead, their marriages are long and full of love and children, and yes, full of normal everyday problems. It’s not perfect, but life isn’t.” I shrugged. “Really, the two imperfections — their normal marriages and life — only make them stronger.”
Still, Pearl and Jack stared.
Ezra sighed, tilting his head to murmur against my wet hair, “The Com reference only confused them, since they have never lived among the Commoners, even if it was fairly apt.” He pressed a kiss to my head, and then turned his attention to Jack and Pearl. “Do you think all of those families we passed by to get back here — including those with children – are mated pairs?”
The eyebrows of each came together.
“They’re not,” Ezra clarified gently. “And they are still happily married and were living wonderful, full lives before the attacks.”
“Huh.” Jack’s head tilted, his eyes staring off at nothing. “But, there’s a wall.”
It wasn’t a question, but Ezra and I nodded.
“I can’t see it yet.” Pearl’s head dropped back, staring at the ceiling.
“Me, either.” Jack cleared his throat. “They said time and friendship first.”
Again, Ezra and I nodded.