“Because I’m an idiot?” She hadn’t realized how transparent she was and made a mental note to not look at Lars again.
“No, you just don’t give up easy,” he said in his gravelly voice.
“Thanks for the pep talk, Paddy, but I think I’m going to head out.” With everyone else hovering over where they were preparing to cut open Karma, Faith decided to slip out. She didn’t have any desire to see what they needed the scalpel on the tray for. “It was nice to meet you.”
“We’ll meet again,” he said before she slipped out of the room.
She weaved her way until she left the shop, feeling Lars staring at her as she went. It was a relief when she got outside and opened the door that led to Lars’ apartment. She was halfway up the stairs when she heard the door swing open.
“Where are you going?” Lars asked.
Was it getting to the point that she’d have to explain every action she made? Why did she even care for him at this point? Why did his distrust make her feel like she was bleeding from a wound that wouldn’t close?
She paused. “I’m not one for blood.”
There was a pause and she didn’t move while she waited to see which way this would go.
“Are you hungry? I’m not sure what’s left in the apartment. Do you want me to go get you something?”
Her hand gripped the railing and she looked back at him. “No, I’m just going to lie down for a while.”
His dark eyes were warm as they looked on her and her breath hitched. He leaned along the wall of the hallway. “I’ll be up in a little while.”
She nodded and turned, taking a couple more steps up before Lars calling her name stopped her. She turned again and looked at him. He was still leaning against the wall but looking down. She waited, hoping he’d say something—anything.
He shook his head. “Forget it. It was nothing.”
She took another step away from him as he shut the door. She walked into the apartment and over to her bag, sitting by the dresser. She hesitated by it but then walked away from it.
She guessed that Paddy was right. There was still some hope left in her, even when she couldn’t fathom why.
Chapter 31
Lars didn’t come upstairs for another hour, and when he finally showed, he wouldn’t look at her. She lifted her hand out to touch him as he passed her but let it drop. “Lars?”
“What?” he said, grabbing some things from a drawer, looking like he was going to hop in the shower. She had a sinking feeling he was really only trying to get away from her.
She sat down on the bed, resting her elbows on her knees and fisting her hands in front of her mouth. She took a deep breath, trying to hold back the emotions already clawing at her insides just trying to keep up a calm veneer. She prayed the numbness she’d been feeling on and off would return and swallow her emotions whole this time.
She could pretend she didn’t know what was coming, maybe buy herself some time. Maybe he would change his mind if she hung around for another couple of days, or if she could somehow eke out another week, he’d magically come around. More likely, any additional time she spent with him would be self-inflicted torture of the worst kind. She didn’t want to sit here and watch him pull back from her more and more until he finally said the words she knew were coming.
He was walking toward the bathroom when she finally forced herself to speak. “Stop.” He didn’t turn around to face her and she was glad for it. “Just say it.”
There was a hesitation for a few precious seconds and she thought maybe she was wrong. Then he did turn and she knew she was right.
He said the words she was dreading. “I think you should move into Cutty’s after we get this Keith situation under control.”
This had always been a possibility, and yet she’d allowed the situation to continue, thinking, maybe even praying, that it wouldn’t. He wasn’t the relationship type. She knew that. She also knew he’d tried but this last obstacle was too much. Maybe she should’ve told him from the beginning but she feared they would’ve ended up here anyway. She’d known who he was and had taken the risk. She only had herself to blame for the burn she now sported.
“I think it would be more comfortable for you. It’s tight around here, and I know you wanted your own place. You’ll have more room there until you can get something of your own,” he said, filling the silence and acting as if this were purely a space problem.
She had wanted her own place. She’d said it to him a few times. But that had all been before she’d fallen for him. She’d wanted more space so that she could avoid the very feelings she was having now.
But she’d gone ahead and become emotionally involved anyway. She’d taken a bite of the poisoned apple and now look at her. She couldn’t even meet his gaze, because if she looked at him, the burning in her eyes might turn into real tears, and she wasn’t going down like that. He was kicking her out and that was his choice. The way she left him was still hers.
“I think it’s a good idea.” How she managed to get those words out, past the golf-ball sized lump in her throat and without her voice cracking, was a miracle.
“So, you’re good with this?” he asked. “You realize it’s for the best?”
There was a hesitance in his voice. What did he want? Was she supposed to absolve him of any guilt? It was true he’d never said the words, or implied any commitment, but if that was how he’d slept with someone who was nothing to him, she’d love to know how he had sex with the person he might one day love. Or maybe she’d read into it more than was actually there. Maybe when they’d slept together, the ground hadn’t shaken for him the way it had rocked her world.
Still, it didn’t matter. She forced a smile onto her face and made herself look at him while she fought to keep it in place. Her pride, the few tattered pieces left of it anyway, was the only thing keeping the fa?ade of not caring in place. “I agree. Cutty’s will be a lot more comfortable.”
She grabbed her bag and started gathering up what few belongings she owned. She’d use anything she could as an excuse to break eye contact.
“You’re leaving now?” he asked, having the nerve to sound surprised, but she wasn’t sure why. He’d just kicked her out. She wasn’t going to wait for him to start packing her up himself.
“Yes.”
“It’s not safe yet.”
“Keith scared me but he couldn’t actually get to me at Cutty’s. It’ll be fine.” She dug out her phone and dialed, not wanting to give Lars a chance to argue. He wanted her out and now she wanted to leave almost as bad.
Cutty answered on the first ring. “What’s up?”
“Can you swing back around and pick me up?”
There was a pause, and she had a feeling his sixth sense was kicking in. To his credit, he didn’t say anything. “Sure. I just left so I can be back there in under two minutes.”
“Thanks.” She slid the phone into her back pocket.
Lars didn’t say anything else and neither did she, as she grabbed her bag and walked to the bathroom to gather her last few remaining items. By time she’d gathered everything, she saw Cutty’s headlights flashing through the windows as they pulled into the drive.
“I’ll walk you down,” Lars said as she made her way to the door.
“He’s down there. I’m fine.”
“I’ll walk you down anyway.”
“Do whatever you want,” she said, aware that her act of indifference was slipping. She walked down the stairs, all the while feeling Lars’ eyes boring into her back as he followed her.
She got in the car with Cutty while Lars looked on. Neither her nor Lars said goodbye, and Cutty sat there as an awkward witness to the tension. She managed to keep it together for all of one block.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Cutty finally asked but only when the tears were flowing too heavily to hide anymore.
“No.”
“He’s just—”
“Cutty, please, do me one favor. Don’t ever bring him up to me again.”
He nodded and they drove to his house in silence.