“Figure it out,” Lavender says, “if you care so much! You don’t care who’s in your bed, but ohhh, it matters what painting is on your wall!”
“I will figure it out,” says Ravi. “I assure you. And I’ll tell your father and your cousin what you did. I’ll tell everyone!”
Lavender begins to laugh, a disgusted laugh that turns into a short scream as the wall sucks harder on her hand.
“I’m calling the police,” says Ravi, placing the canvas carefully on the floor where he found it. “Or the captain. Whatever it is you’ve got in this goddamn dimension for dealing with clown-nosed, lowlife art thieves. Guard the paintings,” he says to Jane stiffly. “I’ll be back.”
“All right,” Jane says. Then she waits, patient and still, an umbrella in each hand, until, swearing quietly, Ravi has retrieved his skates and rolled off down the corridor.
Jane turns back to Lavender. The wall, it seems, is steadily consuming Lavender’s hand. She’s in deeper now, almost to her elbow, and she’s gasping in pain. Tears are running oily tracks through her makeup; black is dripping onto her white shirt.
“Did you pay those two men to distract the house while you stole the painting?” Jane asks.
“I assure you,” Lavender says with a weak rush of fury, “you’re the last person in the multiverse I would ever explain myself to.” Her eyes go bright and flash at Jane. “The second-to-last person,” she cries out. “You’re just a copy! Of a nobody! Of Ravi’s latest in a string of nobodies!”
“What are you stealing it for?”
“Why does anyone steal anything?”
“Money?” Jane says, disgusted.
“It’s a painting,” Lavender spits at Jane. “It’s a thing. It doesn’t hurt anyone for me to take it. Other than Ravi, maybe, and he deserves it!”
“One of your associates died,” Jane says. “The house killed him.”
Lavender cries out as the wall slurps her arm in past the elbow. She’s lost the strength of her legs and is hanging from her trapped arm like a sad-clown ragdoll. Jane tries not to think about the state of her hand, her forearm, inside that wall. Jane tries not to wonder how far the wall is going to take this punishment.
“Is there anywhere you can run?” Jane asks her.
“What?” Lavender gasps, confused.
“Do you have an exit plan?”
Lavender swings her head up to look at Jane briefly, exhausted, her eyes glazed with pain. “I wasn’t supposed to get caught,” she says. “But yes. There are places I could go.”
Jane has the feeling that deliberation will only convince her of the impossibility of her plan. So, without deliberation, she jams her unfinished, flapping black umbrella into the wall, right at the edge of the spot where Lavender’s arm is being eaten. The wall shudders, growls, and squeezes. Lavender screams.
Jane grips her brown-rose-copper umbrella hard and jams it into the wall on the other side of Lavender’s arm. It’s hard to know what’s happening, exactly, as the wall shrieks and balks and drips a strange, glutinous, snotty substance around Jane’s stabbing places, but instinct causes her to use the umbrellas as crowbars, to pry open the hole that’s sucking Lavender in. The wall roars, then screams. Lavender pulls. Lavender screams.
Then her arm, bloody, mangled, and limp, slips out of the wall like some sluggish creature being born. Lavender falls.
“Run!” Jane yells. “Run!”
Lavender staggers, then, bent over her arm, runs. Alone in the corridor, Jane yanks the umbrellas out of the wall and jams them back in, stab, stab, stab, trying to keep the house distracted while Lavender runs. The wall buckles; it forms fingers that grab at the umbrellas; Jane stabs, keeps stabbing.
But then the floor beneath her boots begins to rumble and shift and she decides she’s risked enough. She lets go of the umbrellas, leaving them stuck in the wall. “Nice house,” she says. “Wonderful house. I would never hurt this dear, lovely house.” Jane breathes jellyfish-deep through her very sincere intention not to do a single thing to cross this horrifying house.
Lavender, when she ran, left behind both paintings. Jane leaves them where they are too, and backs away. The wall still seems to be having a bit of a tussle with the umbrellas, which jerk back and forth, but the floor is calming itself.
“I want to go home,” Jane says. “Please, god, let me go home.” It’s funny to find herself speaking words that sound like prayer. She’s never been religious, she doesn’t know what she believes, and she doesn’t really know what she means by home, either.
She does, however, give herself a second to mourn the brown-rose-copper umbrella with the brass handle. Her heroic-journey umbrella; she realizes she’s going to have to leave it behind. She thanks it for the important job it’s done.
As she leaves the second-story east wing, she understands that there’s one more thing she needs to do before she departs this dimension.
*
When she reaches the third-story east corridor, Jane finds that the mess has been cleaned up. No pirates, no paramedics. Even the Abominable Snowman rug is back in place. Judging by the thunks from above, it sounds like a team of people on the roof, or the hull, is retrieving the dead man and repairing the breach. Jane wonders if the house is giving the man’s body up willingly.
At the sound of skates, she turns to find Ravi gliding toward her from the direction of the atrium, looking like a stormcloud. “We got to the painting and Lucy was gone,” he says testily. “You let her go, didn’t you?”
“That wall was going to kill her,” Jane says. “And her name is Lavender.”
“The wall wasn’t going to kill her!”
“You didn’t see what it did to her arm,” Jane says.
Ravi swallows. He looks uncomfortable. “What did it do to her arm?”
“Maybe it’s better you don’t ask.”
“Well?” he says, anxious now. “Will she be okay?”
“I have no idea! But you know as well as I do that this house kills people!”
Ravi is fighting with some thought inside his head. “Okay,” he says. “Well, there’s nothing we can do about it at this point, and given what we saw, I’d like to get back home now. I need to have a chat with my Lucy about a Brancusi. Maybe also take a closer look at our Vermeer.”
“One more stop first,” Jane says.
When Ravi raises questioning eyebrows, Jane holds out her hand. He takes it, puzzled, and Jane pulls him down the corridor.
“No,” Ravi says, when he sees where they’re going. “No way.”
“Oh, come on.”
“No,” he insists, breaking out of Jane’s grip. “I’ll meet you at the portal.”
“What are you afraid of?” Jane snaps at him. “The truth?”
“No,” he snaps back, finally, thoroughly losing his temper. “I’m afraid of exactly the opposite, of believing things of myself that aren’t true. You don’t get it, do you? UD17 Ravi is a prick. I know. I’ve met him. He’s like me, but without any—” Ravi waves his hands around in frustration, reaching for the words. “He’s cold. He has no compunctions. And he’s so much like me. It screws with my head. He’s not the only Ravi I’ve met and not liked, either. Kiran too. You know when Kiran started moping around all depressed, and pushing Patrick away? It was after she met UD17 Karen and Patrick, who’re so disgustingly motivated and happy and in love, and made her feel like her own Patrick was holding back, keeping secrets, being dishonest somehow. She’s decided something’s wrong with her, and she doesn’t trust her Patrick, and she feels like she’s stuck in the wrong world. This place will screw you up!”
“UD17 Ravi isn’t you,” Jane says. “Don’t you know who you are?”
“Yeah,” he says, “and I intend to keep it that way.” Then he turns and leaves her.
He has not left her alone. UD17 Ivy is walking calmly down the corridor toward Jane.
“Hi,” she says. Her grin is so much like the Ivy Jane knows that Jane flushes, remembering that other Ivy—real Ivy—saw her kissing Ravi earlier today. Though this Ivy, Jane realizes, doesn’t wear glasses. Her eyes are less brightly blue too.
“Captain Vanders sent me to do a last check of this passageway,” UD17 Ivy says.
“Is she your boss?”