She’d said she would follow.
But she hadn’t believed it. She’d known, then. She’d known she wouldn’t make it.
I slumped to the end of the bed and checked for messages that wouldn’t be there. Nothing from Stef. She was dead. Nothing from Sarit. She was dead, too.
My best friend was dead.
A sob burst from me as I fumbled for the message function on my SED. My thumbs slipped over the letters as I typed.
I miss you. I miss you. I can’t believe you’re gone and never coming back. I hate Janan and I hate Deborl. Even if I stop Janan tonight, how will the world be right without you? I wish you were still with me.
My chest ached as I sent the message she’d never receive.
Her image smiled at me from the screen. Sarit with her bees. Sarit and me, sitting in the market field with cups of coffee. Sarit dressed as an exotic bird for the masquerade last year.
Tears blurred the pictures, and I let my SED drop to my lap.
When Sam finished showering, I hurried to wash the stink off me, but there was no washing away the ache of loss. Sorrow saturated every bit of me like acid.
Dry and dressed, I found Sam sitting on the foot of the bed, listening to music.
“Let me treat your burns.” I sat next to him, but he stopped me before I opened the tube.
“I don’t want—” He touched my cheek and let his fingertips trail down my neck and shoulder, and suddenly I was too conscious of the way my borrowed clothes were too big and hung off my shoulders and hips. “Later,” he said. “The burns aren’t going anywhere.”
The burn cream and other medical supplies dropped to the floor with soft thuds.
“I just want you. I want you forever, and I’m afraid—” His hands closed over mine. “I want a life with you. I’d give anything to go back and start this one over, to be reborn into this lifetime. I wouldn’t waste it. I’d find you sooner. I’d take you somewhere safe. I’d show you music and love and life every day so you were never alone, never afraid. If I could start over knowing what I know now—” He released a desperate laugh. “I know how this sounds.”
“It’s okay.” My words were a breath, a gasp.
He squeezed my hands. “I’m afraid, Ana. I’m afraid, and I feel like if I don’t kiss you right now, I’ll break apart.”
The music ended. Silence tugged through the room. All I could hear was Sam’s shallow breathing. All I could feel was the pounding of my heartbeat.
He wanted this now? After everything that had happened? Before everything we were about to do? How could anyone—
No, I understood. A heavy desire for him wove through me. We’d lost so much, and we were about to lose even more. If we survived Soul Night, maybe we could have a life together.
But victory seemed an unattainable goal, and right now we had each other.
I wouldn’t waste our chance by hesitating.
“You won’t break apart,” I said. “I won’t let you.” I watched his mouth, the curve of his lips and the creases and the gentle parting between from the way he might have been about to respond but couldn’t seem to find words. The seconds spun longer as I caressed his cheeks and through his hair, all shaggy from weeks without cutting. Then I kissed him.
He let out a relieved groan and pulled me in, his mouth warm and firm against mine. Jaw muscles worked beneath my palms. Stubble scraped my skin. I didn’t care. I wanted only to drown in this kiss.
His hands slid down my sides and settled on my hips. I looped my arms around his shoulders and let him lay me onto my back, damp hair haloed around me. He kissed my throat and shoulders, gasped for breath over my collarbone.
I couldn’t think. I could only feel the way his hands glided over my stomach and down my legs. Emotions caught up and tangled in my throat as he helped me out of my shirt and trousers, leaving only a thin silk camisole and leggings beneath. I shivered in the cool air.
“Is this all right?” he whispered. “If you don’t want to, that’s okay.”
“I want to.” I sat up and stretched to pull his shirt over his head. In the dim room, his skin was dark and I couldn’t see the burns, just shadows and planes of muscle that shifted beneath my hands. “I’ve loved you my entire life. From the moment I first heard music, to when I saw your name inside a book, to the night you saved me from the water. No one has ever made me feel like you do: like I’m wanted; like I matter.”
He kissed me, long and beautiful and desperate, and he didn’t resist when I pulled him down on top of me, trying to draw him impossibly close.