She came to in a large bed with an embroidered coverlet, in a room of tapestries and tables laid with pitchers of wine and a bowl of dried apple rings. She could hear the soft warblings of a lute being strangled, its player having not much skill, and children’s laughter.
An elderly man, possibly a doctor because of his thick spectacles and a faint odour of vinegar, pulled the coverlet up around her shoulders and patted her cheek, having a few whispered words at the door with a younger man. She could remember nothing but images: her son, a great horse bearing down on her, his cold snorting breath clouding her vision of his rider, and … something else. A warmth, a cocooning sleep in which she felt nothing but peace.
The younger man approached her, his hands behind his back, his face fleshy and soft, with rough whiskers all around his cheeks. He had a peasant’s broad nose and whip-thin lips. He eyes were wide and brown, much like the eyes of a boy, with thick lashes … eyes that lingered innocently, revealing no fear or desire.
“What is your name?” he asked.
“Rose.”
“Rose, I am Sir Thomas More, and this is my home. Do you know how you arrived here?”
The name disturbed her, but she could not think why. She could only remember those last moments. “I threw myself in front of your horse, and you saved me.”
“No,” he said, frowning. “I quite trampled you. In my horror, I could not turn the horse fast enough, my reflexes being frozen. But you survived, though you have lost much blood. To my poor mind, it is a miracle, God’s work.”
Rose turned her face to the wall. Little images strung themselves together—beads of thought and memory making an unbroken line at last, and she groaned. The blood was not from the horse.
“Why did you want to die?” he asked.
“Because I could not afford a pilgrimage,” she replied, thankful to be facing the wall so the sarcasm would show itself only in the turn of her mouth. “And I was wearied of my sin.”
“My child.”
The words carried such tenderness that she turned to him. He was so kind. Had she witnessed the burning, or was that a dream? The man she saw was too tender and soft to commit such strange violence.
“Do you have a home?” he asked.
“I am an orphan.”
“You are not married or betrothed?”
“No. I have never known a man’s love,” Rose lied. It was true.
He was silent for a moment. “You will stay on with us as a house servant. If your great passion for God is matched in obedience to men, you will find this day to be the happiest moment of fortune to befall you.” He smiled at her. “I am a gentle master. You will have no harsh treatment and the best of provision. This is a home of great peace.”
She hardened her eyes and watched him. He was a man, despite all his words. And men didn’t keep promises to helpless women. Not without some enticement. She waited for the flicker of his eyes as she lay there, the upturning of a corner of his mouth.
She could see nothing, and it made her want to vomit. He was treating her as he would a proper woman, a clean one.
“I cannot accept this grace,” she whispered. “You must send me from here.”
He moved as if to touch and reassure her, but she saw his muscles twitch and reverse, a set coming to his mouth as his hands returned behind his back. “You must rest.”
He left and she turned back to the wall. These waking moments were as strange and terrible to her as the dreamed ones. The memory of something pressed against her as the horses thundering overhead returned.
“Let me die,” she whispered. No one answered.
With her eyes closing, stray golden hairs on her gown caught her attention but did not hold it as she sank into her dreams. Once in the night she awoke and sat up. She sensed someone’s eyes upon her, but the room was dark and the candle extinguished. She was not afraid.
“You’re showing this story to me because I want to die too?” I yelled at him. “You think I’ll root for her to live, and remember everything good I have left to live for, that I’ll skip out of here and head straight to some It’s a Wonderful Life matinee?”
“You don’t want to die,” he said, still sitting in his chair. His shadow rose above him on the wall, growing larger, with wings spreading out, touching each of the walls surrounding me. “You want to run away. The afterlife is not a place for cowards.”
Fear dripped from my heart to my stomach. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to die.”
“You don’t want to live,” he said. “They are not the same. Death is no escape.”
“Let me die!” I screamed, throwing the computer on the floor. The screen went black. “What’s the use of writing a book if I’m going to die?”
“Perhaps you never really loved words,” he replied.
He waved his hands over the Tablets of Destiny and another story sprang to life. I got a flash of my book, sitting on top of a best-sellers list with people lined up to buy it. One face in the crowd saw me, too. I reached out to him, but the vision fled back into the pages, and the other story leapt into action again.
“Wait! Fix it!” I screamed, pointing to the computer.