His smile turned genuine. “It’s becoming quite a habit,” he agreed. “I promised you wouldn’t drown.”
His voice sounded so tender, I wanted to crawl onto his lap and have him hold me again, but that would never happen again after what I had to say. Opening the cloth bag, I emptied the contents onto my lap.
The ache returned to my chest at the sight of each item. “Henry,” I said, handing him a roughly folded sheet of parchment. “I release you from your contract. Here is money to buy passage back to England and...” My voice broke as I picked up the last object. “And here is something to remember me by.” I handed him my father’s watch and quickly looked down to hide the tears that welled in my eyes.
He held all of the items in his large hands, considered them for a minute before speaking. “Why are you doing this?” he asked, his own voice faltering.
“Because I owe you my life.” A tear spilled onto my cheek, and I hurriedly brushed it away with my sleeve.
“But Nathan may still accuse you. I can’t leave until he’s no longer a threat. That was the bargain.”
I dug my nails into my sweaty palms, trying to keep control long enough to have this conversation done and leave the room. “I’ll deal with Nathan when the time comes. And William and Nora will never let anything happen to me.”
“I don’t know,” Henry said skeptically. “I had not thought of seeing England again so soon.”
My heart was breaking, and I needed to be away before I gave in and begged him to stay. More tears came into my eyes, ready to betray me, to show Henry how much I needed him despite my insistence otherwise. Not wanting him to see me cry, I pushed up from the chair only to stagger half-blindly toward the door. “You are free to go,” I said, nearly choking on the words.
Chapter Twelve
Be True to Thyself
I closed the door to my own chamber and leaned back against the thick wood panels for support. Tears spilled from my eyes as I slid to the floor in a heap of silk and linen skirts. It felt like something heavy had pounced on my chest, compressing my lungs while squeezing the blood from my heart. Scarcely able to breathe, I reached around to the many laces binding my ribcage. One by one the knots came loose, and I drew in several deep breaths to clear the dizziness from my head.
You are free to go.
These last words had exposed my true feelings so clearly there was no sense trying to pretend any longer. No matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise, Henry’s release had not been prompted by some overwhelming sense of honor. Instead, I had acted from basic self-preservation. During the past month, he had filled my heart, and now I would send him thousands of miles away, back to England and a life without me.
It was a matter of convenience that he had saved my life twice and deserved to be rewarded with his freedom. That offered reason enough to surrender his contract, which was probably illegal from the start. Releasing him was the right thing to do—at this point, the only thing I could do.
Grief clawed at my heart and I pounded my fists hard against the floor. I had never meant to love him or to want him more than my gift. For one last night we would sleep in our separate rooms as husband and wife, but come morning, he would be gone. Only a fool would stay to engage in a fight that was neither of his making, nor really any of his concern.
Darkness had long since fallen when I finally dried my tears and stood, my back aching and my legs cramped from sitting on the hard wood floor. Without bothering to light a candle, I let my clothes fall to the ground and trudged numbly into bed.
The hours passed slowly, one undistinguishable from the next, as I slipped in and out of sleep. Near dawn, the sound of Henry’s door brought me fully awake. I had no doubt of his leaving, only whether he would say goodbye first. The farewell came in the form of a letter pushed under my door before he went down the stairs, his shoes thudding softly.
When the front door opened, I darted from bed and ran over to the window. Peeking around the drapes, I watched him turn toward the barn with a knapsack thrown over one shoulder. Ten minutes passed before he came back into view astride a horse.
My heart constricted painfully, bringing new tears into my eyes. “Goodbye, Henry,” I whispered into the darkness. “Go dté tú fd bhrat Bhrighde.”
May you travel safely under Brigid’s mantle.
*
I stayed in bed all day, speaking only to Mary when she came upstairs to check on me around noon. Even this one visit would have been ignored if she hadn’t been so persistent, knocking softly until I finally bid her to enter.
“Good day, Mistress,” she said, peering into the darkened room.