Gates of Paradise (a Blue Bloods Novel)

“Can’t you see I’m busy?” Ahramin rolled her eyes and pointed to the hostel’s back door.

The door led out into a small garden, with a patio and a couple of wire chairs surrounding a table. The surface of the table was littered with old newspapers and overflowing ashtrays. The days when Bliss would step outside of a New York club to smoke a cigarette with Dylan seemed so very far away, and now the smell of the ash made her feel a little nauseous.

Lawson was sitting in one of the chairs. His head was buried in his arms, crossed on the table, but he looked up when he heard her coming. “How did the rest of the day go?” he asked quietly.

“Not well. We’re not looking in the right place. I can see it so clearly in my head, and I feel like I know it in my bones—but when I look around—I don’t see it. Maybe it’s not here?”

“It has to be,” Lawson said. “We can’t give up.”

“What about you? Did you and Ahri talk?”

He shook his head. “She doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m not sure I have much to say to her either. I just want to forget any of it ever happened, and I have no idea what she wants. Until the last couple of days, I thought we’d both just put it behind us.”

“Clearly not,” Bliss said. “And Edon?”

“He hasn’t come back. But his stuff’s still here. He’ll show up eventually. When he does, I need you to tell him how sorry I am.”

“Tell him yourself.” Bliss felt the hairs on her arms stand up. She had a feeling she knew what was coming.

Lawson shook his head. “I need you to take charge of the pack. I’ve become too much of a distraction, and I need to leave.”

Bliss bit her lip. She had come to the same conclusion. She had hoped for a different outcome—for Ahramin to excuse herself—but she knew as well as Lawson that that wasn’t about to happen.

“Are you sure? She should go, not you.”

“If I stay, Edon won’t come back, and he’ll still be angry. And I know you won’t admit it, but you’re angry too. And Malcolm and Rafe won’t know what to think. We’ll be fractured and ineffective, and the wolves will be lost. We’ll never repair the breach in the timeline. But if I go, Edon and Ahri will reconcile, and you can lead them. You’ll heal the rift.”

Bliss wanted to tell him that she could forgive him, that she could help him mend fences with Ahramin and Edon, but she wasn’t sure she could. She was still too confused about her own feelings. Still, she didn’t want him to go. “You’re taking the easy way out,” she said. “You could stay here and work to earn everyone’s forgiveness. You could help us, but instead you’re running away.”

“I’ll still be helping you. I just have to do it in my own way.” He stood up, and that’s when Bliss saw that he’d already packed up his bags. He’d only been waiting to say good-bye to her.

“There was never any chance of my changing your mind, was there?”

He shook his head, gave her one last, long look, and then he was gone.

Bliss was left to explain Lawson’s absence to the rest of the pack, and that he’d left her in charge.

“I have to answer to you now?” Ahri sneered.

“No one’s answering to anybody,” Bliss said. “We’re just going to keep doing what we’re doing until we learn something useful. I have no interest in bossing you around. We just need to stop fighting and make some progress here. Edon, Ahri, are you two going to be able to get along?”

Edon, who had returned unexpectedly that morning, looked at Ahri and shrugged. “I have nothing to say to you. I’m here for the wolves,” he said. “If my brother is enough of a coward that he won’t work with us, then let him be. I will stay.”

“Edon,” Ahramin said. “Edon—I want to explain.”

“There is nothing you can say that I would like to hear,” Edon said, and his handsome face sagged with sorrow and disappointment. “Let’s just get this done.”

“I’m going to turn in early. Boys, you coming with me?”

Rafe and Malcolm followed her eagerly, like cubs. They both wanted Edon and Ahri to make up, and they were confused about Lawson’s disappearance. But they trusted her; they’d do whatever she suggested. Lawson had been right about that.

She had a lot more trouble falling asleep that night, even though the dorm room was quiet with just the boys in it. She couldn’t stop thinking about Lawson. She alternated between being furious with him and missing him desperately. What if she had another nightmare and he wasn’t there to comfort her?

It turned out she was right to worry. No sooner had she fallen asleep than she was plunged back into her dream from the night before. This time, though, she was prepared—the feeling of confusion and dual-vision was familiar, as was her own knowledge that she was dreaming and therefore somehow safe. At least for the moment.