“You need pure blood if you’re going to get your strength back. But we’ll get to that later.” He took my wrist. “Let’s get more comfortable while we talk.” In a blink, he moved so that I was straddling him on the sofa.
And I remembered how much he liked me to ride him; how much he liked to tell me how fast and how hard to take him. Remembered how he liked to look into my eyes the entire time.
His hands cupped my hips and pulled me closer, snapping me out of my memories. “I laid it all out for you three nights ago. I told you what I want and need from you. You needed time to process everything; I get that. I gave you time. Now this is where you lay all your shit out for me. I’m relying on you to be as straight with me as you always are.”
I sighed. “Honestly, I’m still not sure this is for real. I never thought you’d choose to try a relationship.”
“There was never a choice, baby. I have to have you.”
“Because of the cravings. That’s just sex, Butch, and it’s not enough to keep a real relationship going. It’s just not.”
He pinned my gaze. “Every time the human touched you, every time he made you smile or laugh, it fucking hurt. My lungs would burn and my chest would ache. Every. Time. That doesn’t happen when it’s only about sex, Imani.”
No, it didn’t. And I hadn’t expected him to say that; I didn’t have a response for it.
“Stop.” His thumb tugged my lower lip free of my teeth. “You’re making me want to bite it, and that’s distracting. Now, tell me, are you fighting me so hard because you don’t want this…or because you do but you’re scared to take a chance on me?”
“I did take a chance on you.”
“And I fucked it up. I know that. And trust me when I say that no one regrets that more than I do. I tried to let you go. It didn’t work. It was never going to work, but I didn’t see that until it was too late. I drove you away, and for that I’m sorry. That shit won’t happen again.”
Searching his gaze, I saw only sincerity there. But it wasn’t enough. “I think you believe that. I think you want us to be together and that you want it to be a permanent thing. But I also think there’s a good chance that it won’t happen that way.”
“Explain.”
“We have some obstacles to deal with. If we got together, not a single person would support us in that. They’ll doubt that you’re serious about it for all the same reasons that I did. You have a bad rep. You like your emotional space. You’ve never shown any interest in relationships.”
“I know—”
“Just hear me out. A year ago, when I lasted more than one night with you, people were hopeful. Even though it seemed to be only casual sex, they thought that just maybe you’d pull your head out of your ass. They thought that just maybe you might take a shot at something more. But then the end of the month came, and you made it clear that we wanted different things. Let me again repeat that I’m not judging you for that—I never did. But they did. So it won’t matter what you say to them; you won’t convince them that you’re serious. They’ll figure that you’ll be gone once we hit the one-month mark.”
His hands flexed on my hips. “They’ll be wrong.”
“My point is that during that time, you can bet your ass that they won’t be cool about it. They won’t even consider giving you the benefit of the doubt. They’ll try to convince me to walk away. There’ll be a lot of tension. Is that what you want?”
“You’re more important to me than them. I don’t give a fuck if I have other people’s approval or not. I don’t need it. Eventually, they’ll see that they were wrong and that shit will be over.”
“Maybe, but that’s not the only obstacle we’ll be facing. My reflex to anyone pushing me is to completely disregard every word they’re saying, which will rub you the wrong way because you’re a naturally pushy person. Am I wrong?”
“No, which means I’ll have to work on not barking orders, and you’ll have to work on not doing the opposite just to be contrary.”
The guy had an answer for everything. “How about the fact that you don’t connect with people? You don’t share what’s going on in your head; you internalise everything, and you hide your emotions so damn well that most people think you don’t feel anything. This won’t work if you can’t be open with me. And I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m having to read between the lines and guess what my partner is thinking. I need you to talk to me, to share with me, to be upfront with me. I’m not saying I want you to change, I don’t. I’m just saying I’d need you to work with me to keep this relationship going, and that means communicating.”
“I’ve been upfront about my feelings so far, haven’t I?”
Okay, he had a point there. “But could you keep doing that?”