She kept remembering Jules’ wounded expression when she wasn’t invited to join them at dinner. How lost she’d seemed.
Think how much it would hurt her if she knew, a voice in her brain whispered. How would you feel if you were her?
The thought of how much pain they’d cause made her stomach churn.
They’d just begun to rebuild their friendship. This could ruin everything between them all over again. How would they act in the school hallway tomorrow? Would they just pretend nothing ever happened?
Dread chilled her. We can’t do this.
Sensing her hesitation, Carter stopped kissing her. Leaning on one elbow next to her, he studied her sombrely. She could see her own confusion reflected in his dark eyes.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I just…’
‘I know.’ She tried to think of something to say to make it all better but her mind was blank. Things used to be so easy between them. Now every single thing was complicated. ‘It’s not your fault. I’m sorry, too.’
‘I guess I just… missed you,’ Carter said. ‘And sometimes I…’
His voice trailed off.
‘I’ve missed you, too,’ Allie said, her voice very small. ‘I just wish… this was easier.’
For a long second he held her gaze. Then he rolled over on to his back and stared up at the stars, one arm flung across his forehead as if to block some invisible glare. ‘I know.’
Nobody teaches you how to do this. Nobody ever says to you, ‘This is how you can break up and still be friends.’ Or, ‘Here’s how to break up and not want to kiss your ex sometimes.’
It would be, basically, the most helpful advice in the world and it doesn’t exist.
Sitting up, Allie pulled her knees close to her and wrapped her arms around them, staring off into the night.
Then, as if he’d made up his mind about something, Carter sat up and turned to face her. ‘Look. There’s something I have to say to you. And I wanted to say it a long time ago but I bottled it. I think I have to say it now.’ His voice was taut with emotion and Allie looked over at him in surprise. ‘It’s just… I am so sorry for the way I treated you when we were together. I know I blew it.’
Tears burned the backs of Allie’s eyes but she didn’t lower her gaze.
‘At first I was jealous and acted like a dick. Then I was angry and that was even worse.’ He ran his fingers through his tangled dark hair. ‘I know I hurt you and I’m truly sorry.’
Something inside Allie’s chest that had been holding tight for a very long time let go.
Whatever she’d expected to happen tonight, it wasn’t this. With her lips still bruised from the force of their kiss, how could she tell him how much their breakup had hurt her? She didn’t know how to describe the empty feeling of watching him together with Jules in those early days. Or the loneliness when he ignored her.
The problem was he’d just said everything she wanted to hear… four months ago. And now it was too late. She’d gone through the loss, through the pain, through the turmoil: and she’d survived.
She didn’t want to go back.
But she couldn’t say that right now. What she could do was try and fix whatever damage they’d just done to their own friendship, and to Jules. She could put this right.
‘Thank you for saying that. It helps.’ Her voice was surprisingly steady but in her lap she clenched her hands so tightly her nails carved crescent-shaped dents into her palms. ‘But I shouldn’t have kissed you tonight, Carter. It was wrong. You’re with Jules now. She would be so hurt if she knew. She can’t ever find out. I promise you I’ll —’
Abruptly, he climbed to his feet and strode across the clearing where he stood with his back to her.
Allie’s stomach dropped. Wondering if she’d gone too far, she scrambled to her feet. ‘Carter, look… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to —’
‘Don’t do that,’ he said, cutting her off. ‘It’s something you do, you know – apologising for things that aren’t your fault.’ She couldn’t see his eyes in the darkness. ‘You should never apologise for being right.’
Straightening his shoulders, he pointed north. ‘We’d better get back. They’ll be waiting for us.’
Without waiting for her response, he strode off into the darkness.
When they walked through the door of the Night School girls’ dressing room twenty minutes later, the reaction was instant.
‘Where have you been?’ Jumping to her feet, Zoe ran across the room to hug her. The move was so unexpected Allie hesitated briefly before hugging her back.
Zoe never hugged anyone. Like, ever.
And yet the younger girl squeezed her tight. ‘We’ve been waiting ages. We thought you’d been caught. Or… something.’
Over her shoulder, Allie looked around the room, relieved to see Rachel sitting nearby. Everyone had made it back – she and Carter were the last to return.
‘I’m sorry we scared you…’ she said, flustered. ‘We… uh… hid for a long time to make sure… it was, like… safe.’