“Where?” he asked, alarmed.
“In my heart.” It was the best response I could come up with. While my heart did hurt, it was more than that. Everything inside me was shattered. Rather than a broken heart, this felt more like broken everything. My heart was constricted, but around it my whole body felt tight and like it was bound together with hot wire.
And underneath the lethargy... the desire for revenge burned steadily.
“I know how you feel.” I reeled and swelled with anger. I knew he meant well, that he was trying to connect with me, but it felt like he was invalidating my feelings.
“How could you possibly know how I feel?” I snapped. Ilyan didn’t back away from my harsh words. He continued rubbing his hand against my spine, the pressure somewhat dulled through the blankets.
“Edmund has taken something away from me too, Siln?. Ryland was my brother as much as he was your other half, your mate. I can’t help but feel that I failed you as much as I failed him.”
I wanted to yell at him for not teaching me to use my magic better, for not training me the right way. I wanted to blame him for taking me into a battle unprepared, but that wasn’t right. It wasn’t all his fault, and he didn’t deserve all the blame. It was my fault too. It was my fault we had lost Ryland.
“I failed him too, Ilyan. I failed you. I failed everyone.” I pushed the blanket away from myself as the frustration of what I was saying hit me. “All you asked me to do was get him out, and I couldn’t even do that.”
I cringed at how bitter my voice sounded, how angry each syllable tasted against my tongue.
I shifted my weight as I moved to sit, the pressure in my unwilling joints building as I moved. Ilyan reached out to help me as he came to sit next to me. My back seized and I swayed as I sat, my body torn between crying, yelling, and finding some way to disappear.
“You didn’t fail, Siln?,” Ilyan’s hand moved from mine to rest against the skin of my cheek. His touch was hot with the warmth of his powerful magic that pulsed underneath his skin. Ilyan kept his ability restrained inside of him, just the opposite of Ryland who used to comfort and heal me with every touch.
Ilyan caressed my cheek, letting his fingers trail behind my ear to rest on my mark. He kept his hand there, his eyes wide as he looked into mine. I could tell he was trying to understand what was going on inside me and I wished I could tell him, but even I didn’t know.
“I did fail,” I spoke harshly, “and now I am alone.”
I wasn’t sure if I spoke out of loss, or in anger at the new reality Edmund had made for me. Both thoughts occupied the forefront of my mind, each vying for my attention.
“You have me, Siln?, and you have Wyn. We are both here to help you through this.” I stiffened away from his touch. I knew he was right, but I was still scared to let anyone else in. My heart hurt too much. I was broken now more than ever.
“I know,” I whispered, trying to find the strength to explain. “I want him back, Ilyan. I wish...”
“I know,” Ilyan said, cutting me off softly. “I want him back too. But he is gone, Joclyn. There is no finding him. His mind has been erased.”
“Please, don’t...” I begged. I didn’t want to hear it.
I moved away from him, my body leaning against the wall.
“Why did we have to fail?”
“Everything happens for a reason, Siln?,” he said. “Perhaps we must move through this trial to meet our true purpose.” His voice had taken on the regal air that was so fitting for him as the ruler of the protectors of magic, the Sk?ítek. I cringed against his tone.
“True purpose,” I repeated, shocked to feel the flame within me grow stronger.
Ilyan ran his fingers through the stubble of hair on the back of my head, his hand moving down to my back and over the skin that was revealed by the shredded club clothes I still wore. I pulled away from his touch, my stomach twisting at his intimacy.
“What do you want to do, Joclyn? What is your true purpose?” Ilyan asked softly.
His words were like gasoline on an open flame. They burned and smoldered inside of me, igniting the need for revenge, making it stronger. The web of heartbreak and confusion shattered, the remaining fragments swallowed up by my growing determination. I could see everything before me, my true path as it was laid out.
“I want to avenge Ryland. I want to be the one to destroy Edmund LaRue.” My voice rang clear through the apartment, the power behind it causing Ilyan’s eyes to widen in shock.
“You want to fight?” Ilyan asked.
“Yes.”
“Then I will teach you everything you need to know,” Ilyan said, as my nerves jumped in anticipation. I could feel my soul piecing itself back together with the thought.