“I haven’t figured out how to force the changes yet. I’m gonna try to make this happen, but I’m not sure that anything will.”
Alex leaned back against the freezer chest and crossed his arms over his chest. “How did you do it the other day?”
“I was thinking of things that scared me,” she said, remembering how she’d changed in the Paramount Theater. “Terror seems to incite the transformation, like it’s a defense mechanism. But I don’t think it’s good for me to be so afraid, to make the change happen that way.”
He nodded. “That makes sense. Like in the Green Lantern comics, the yellow power harnesses fear, making it unstable and corruptible. You want something purer, like willpower or hope or love.”
Gemma couldn’t help but laugh a little at her boyfriend. “I like how you can bring any topic back to comics.”
“But it’s true, right?” Alex asked. “How many times have you fully transformed into the monster?”
“Only once fully.” She lowered her eyes, and her heart tightened at the memory. “With Daniel, I was almost full, but not completely. I’ve been able to do my hands a few times, and my wings just the once.”
“And each time you transformed, were you scared?” Alex asked.
She swallowed hard and nodded. “I was terrified. I thought I would be hurt or killed, or that someone I care about would be hurt or killed.”
“You were letting fear control you and, in turn, the monster. You need to be the one in control.”
“So I need to just will wings to sprout from my back?” Gemma asked.
He shrugged. “Yeah.”
Gemma thought back to when she’d made her wings come out before. Lexi had just thrown her over the cliff, and Gemma was perched on a rock as the waves crashed around her while Daniel fought for his life against Lexi back up at the top. The wings had been slow to come even though Gemma was willing them to with all her might. It had only been her fear that had finally spurred the change on.
“I’m not sure I can do it. Not without channeling some of my fear,” she insisted.
“If you let your fear motivate you, then you’re not in control. The monster is. And that’s when someone will get hurt.”
“I know, but I don’t know how else to do it.” She ran her hand through her hair in exasperation. “Maybe there is no other way. Maybe the sirens are all just channeling their fear and hunger, and that’s how they morph.”
“You really think Penn is afraid that often?” Alex asked dubiously.
“Maybe not, but she’s probably hungry all the time.”
Alex chewed his thumbnail and stared down at the floor. His bangs fell over his forehead, and Gemma knew that expression well. She’d seen it when he’d been working on homework or struggling with a level on a video game. He wore it whenever he was trying to work something out.
“What are you most afraid of?” he asked finally, and lifted his head.
“You mean besides getting myself and the people I care about killed?” Gemma asked with an empty laugh.
“Which are you more afraid of—dying yourself or other people dying?”
“I don’t want to die, but … It would be much worse if something happened to you or Harper or my parents or Daniel.”
“Why?”
Gemma laughed again. “What do you mean, why?”
“Why would it be so terrible if I died?” Alex asked directly.
“Because.” She didn’t understand what he was getting at, but he was trying to figure out something, so she decided to go with it. “I love you. But that’s not even the worst part of your dying. As much as it would kill me to lose you, the real tragedy of your death would have nothing to do with me.
“You are kind and smart and loyal and amazing, and you have so much that you have yet to experience and so much that you can and will give back to the world. You need a full, wonderful life, and the thought of cutting that short, even by a second, is one of the worst things I can imagine.”
“Then think of that,” Alex said. “If your will alone isn’t enough, then think of love. Not just me, but Harper and your mom. Anyone that means anything to you. Love is stronger than fear.”
“Okay.”
Gemma closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She tried to focus on Alex—not on the fear of losing him but on how much she loved him. Thinking of his kisses, the way his arms felt around her, the way he laughed, and she imagined her wings breaking through her skin.
“You can do this. Look at me,” Alex said, his voice firm and confident, and she opened her eyes to meet his. “Gemma. You’ve got this.”
And then she saw it again, the way she had when they’d kissed before. Her whole world was in his eyes. There was only love, and only him, and as she exhaled slowly, she felt it begin. Her shoulders began to itch, then she heard the bones crack and the tearing. Heat seared both of her shoulder blades, and Alex’s eyes widened, and his jaw slacked.