His hand stroked her arm. “There’s nothing mere about you. You’ve given me a run from the beginning.”
She smiled against his chest, loving how, for the first time in centuries, she could finally be herself again, could break the restraints that had kept her so contained. She wanted to go wild, to dance in a club, swim naked in the ocean, drink a margarita, and then try a whole lot of exotic sexual things with Lore. “We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?”
A long, drawn-out silence ticked by. At first, Idess basked in it, content and sated. But gradually, she became aware of a growing tension.
“It’s time to go, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” He squeezed her so hard her joints popped. “How much longer do you have? On Earth, I mean.”
“I honestly don’t know.”
His entire body went statue still. “I don’t want to lose you. I know that makes me sound like a *, but I don’t.” His throat worked on a hard swallow. “I even…” He shook his head. “Never mind.”
“What?” She propped herself up on one elbow so she could look at him. “You can tell me.”
He threw an arm over his eyes. “You’re going to hate me.”
“No, I won’t.” She peeled his arm away. “Spill.”
Swallowing again, he stared up at the ceiling fan as it spun lazy circles over the bed. “I actually thought that if I killed Kynan, it wouldn’t be so bad, because you’d have to stay longer.”
Ice filled her chest cavity, leaving no room for her heart to beat. “You would do that? Wreck my future?” She had no right to be appalled, given that she’d done the same thing to Rami, but as the ice and pain spread through her, she truly began to understand how betrayed and hurt her brother must feel.
Lore sat up in a quick, fluid motion that startled her. “Hell, no. It was a desperate, random thought. I’m a selfish asshole, but I could never do something so unforgivable to you.” She cried out, but he misunderstood, and he framed her face with his warm palms and brushed his lips over hers. “I’m not lying, Idess. I swear to you, I would never take something as important as your wings away. I would die first.”
Tears burned her eyes. Horrible, acid tears that she deserved. She’d known that what she did to Rami was unforgivable, but hearing Lore—a demon—say how awful it was with so much passion, oh, sweet, sweet Lord, she deserved whatever Rami did to her.
“Idess? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you—”
“It’s not that.” She really wanted to throw up. “You don’t have to worry about me getting my wings. I’m not going to get them.” She didn’t deserve them anyway, had been fooling herself for centuries, thinking that she’d get into Heaven.
A scowl tugged his dark brows down. “What are you not telling me?”
“We only have one shot at finding Rami before your deadline. Angels aren’t allowed in the Playground, so I broke my vow and made sure I’m ruined. I can flash into Sheoul now.”
“Ruined?” He scrambled to his knees and gripped her shoulders as if he was going to shake her. “Oh, fuck. Do not tell me that I ruined you by making love to you.”
“It was my choice. It was the only way we’d get to Rami. It was the only way for you and Kynan to be saved. Until I’m officially summoned, I still have my powers. Just not angel status.”
“Damn it,” he whispered. “I knew I shouldn’t have made love to you. You’re so much better than I am. I’ve tainted you—”
She stopped him with a finger pressed to his sinful lips. “You aren’t listening to me. And no, I’m not better than you are. Don’t you see, Lore? You’ve punished yourself for being what you are. For loving your sister so much that you did what you thought was best, even though you saw it as a betrayal. You’ve given everything to your sister, and it’s time to take something for yourself. Take me. I can be with you now.” He didn’t need to know that “now” probably meant no more than a few hours before she was called before the Memitim Council… and likely destroyed.
He swallowed hard. “Do you realize what you just said, angel? Turn it back on yourself.”
Sluggish realization wove its way through her. She’d been punishing herself over Rami for centuries, putting all her energy into her guilt. Doing the same thing she’d just accused Lore of. But her betrayal had been far, far more damaging to her sibling.
She gulped miserably. “It’s not the same.”
“How can you tell me to take something for myself, to forgive myself, when you don’t walk the walk?”
He was right, and she nearly choked on her own hypocrisy. “I’ll take something for myself then. After we deal with Rami.”