“Not you,” Wil whispered. “I hurt everyone but you. I never meant to hurt you.”
Jem put his hands up, pressing his palms against his eyes. “Wil —”
“You can’t never forgive me,” Wil said, hearing the panic tinging his own voice. “I’d be—”
“Alone?” Jem lowered his hands, but he was smiling now, crookedly. “And whose fault is that?” He leaned back against the seat, his eyes half-lidded with tiredness. “I would always have forgiven you,” he said. “I would have forgiven you if you hadn’t apologized. In fact, I wasn’t expecting you would. Tessa’s influence, I can only guess.”
“I am not here at her request. James, you are al the family I have.” Wil ’s voice shook. “I would die for you. You know that. I would die without you.
If it were not for you, I would be dead a hundred times over these past five years. I owe you everything, and if you cannot believe I have empathy, perhaps you might at least believe I know honor—honor, and debt—”
Jem looked actual y alarmed now. “Wil , your discomposure is greater than my anger warranted. My temper has cooled; you know I have never had much of one.”
His tone was soothing, but something in Wil could not be soothed. “I went to get you that medicine because I cannot bear the thought of you dying or in pain, certainly not when I could have done something to prevent it. And I did it because I was afraid. If Mortmain came to us and said he was the only one who had the drug that would save your life, you must know I would give him whatever he wanted so that I could get it for you. I have failed my family before, James. I would not fail you—”
“Will.” Jem rose to his feet; he came across the room to Wil and knelt down, looking up into his friend’s face. “You begin to concern me. Your regret does you admirable credit, but you must know . . .”
Wil looked down at him. He remembered Jem as he had been when he had just come from Shanghai, and had seemed to be al great dark eyes in a pinched white face. It had not been easy to make him laugh then, but Wil had set himself to trying. “Know what?”
“That I wil die,” Jem said. His eyes were wide, and fever-bright; there was a trace of blood, stil , at the corner of his mouth. The shadows under his eyes were nearly blue.
Wil dug his fingers into Jem’s wrist, denting the material of his shirt. Jem did not wince.
“You swore to stay with me,” he said. “When we made our oath, as parabatai. Our souls are knit. We are one person, James.”
“We are two people,” said Jem. “Two people with a covenant between us.”
Wil knew he sounded like a child, but he could not help it. “A covenant that says you must not go where I cannot come with you.”
“Until death,” Jem replied gently. “Those are the words of the oath. ‘Until aught but death part thee and me.’ Someday, Wil , I wil go where none can fol ow me, and I think it wil be sooner rather than later. Have you ever asked yourself why I agreed to be your parabatai?”
“No better offers forthcoming?” Wil tried for humor, but his voice cracked like glass.
“I thought you needed me,” Jem said. “There is a wal you have built about yourself, Wil , and I have never asked you why. But no one should shoulder every burden alone. I thought you would let me inside if I became your parabatai, and then you would have at least someone to lean upon. I did wonder what my death would mean for you. I used to fear it, for your sake. I feared you would be left alone inside that wal . But now . . .
something has changed. I do not know why. But I know that it is true.”
“That what is true?” Wil ’s fingers were stil digging into Jem’s wrist.
“That the wal is coming down.”
Tessa could not get to sleep. She lay unmoving on her back, staring up at the ceiling. There was a crack across the plaster of it that looked sometimes like a cloud and sometimes like a razor, depending on the shift of the candlelight.
Dinner had been tense. Apparently Gabriel had told Charlotte that he refused to return and partake in the training anymore, so it was going to be only Gideon working with her and Sophie from now on. Gabriel had refused to say why, but it was clear Charlotte blamed Wil ; Tessa, seeing how exhausted Charlotte looked at the prospect of more conflict with Benedict, had felt heavy with guilt for having brought Wil with her to the training, and for having laughed at Gabriel.