City of Lost Souls

“Come on,” he said then, breaking off her reverie. “This place has the best hot chocolate in Paris.”


Clary wasn’t sure how she’d know if this were true or not, given that this was the first time she’d ever been to Paris, but once they sat down, she had to admit the hot chocolate was excellent. They made it at your table—which was small and wooden, as were the old-fashioned high-backed chairs—in a blue ceramic pot, using cream, chocolate powder, and sugar. The result was a cocoa so thick your spoon could stand up in it. They had croissants, too, and dunked them into the chocolate.

“You know, if you want another croissant, they’ll bring you one,” said Sebastian, leaning back in his chair. They were the youngest people in the place by decades, Clary noticed. “You’re attacking that one like a wolverine.”

“I’m hungry.” She shrugged. “Look, if you want to talk to me, talk. Convince me.”

He leaned forward, his elbows on the table. She was reminded of looking into his eyes the night before, of noticing the silver ring around the iris of his eye. “I was thinking about what you said last night.”

“I was hallucinating last night. I don’t remember what I said to you.”

“You asked me who I belonged to,” said Sebastian.

Clary paused with her cup of chocolate halfway to her mouth. “I did?”

“Yeah.” His eyes studied her face intently. “And I don’t have an answer.”

She set her cup down, feeling suddenly, intensely uncomfortable. “You don’t have to belong to anyone,” she said. “It’s just a figure of speech.”

“Well, let me ask you something now,” Sebastian said. “Do you think you can forgive me? I mean, do you think forgiveness is possible for someone like me?”

“I don’t know.” Clary gripped the edge of the table. “I—I mean, I don’t know much about forgiveness as a religious concept, just your garden-variety kind of forgiving people.” She took a deep breath, knowing she was babbling. It was something in the steadiness of Sebastian’s dark gaze on her, as if he actually expected her to give him the answers to questions no one else could answer. “I know you have to do things, to earn forgiveness. Change yourself. Confess, repent—and make amends.”

“Amends,” Sebastian echoed.

“To make up for what you’ve done.” She looked down at her mug. There was no making up for the things Sebastian had done, not in any way that made sense.

“Ave atque vale,” Sebastian said, looking down at his mug of chocolate.

Clary recognized the traditional words Shadowhunters spoke over their dead. “Why are you saying that? I’m not dying.”

“You know it’s from a poem,” he said. “By Catullus. ‘Frater, ave atque vale.’ ‘Hail and farewell, my brother.’ He speaks of ashes, of the rites of the dead, and his own grief for his brother. I was taught the poem young, but I didn’t feel it—either his grief, or his loss, or even the wondering what it would be like to die and to have no one grieve you.” He looked up at her sharply. “What do you think it would have been like if Valentine had brought you up along with me? Would you have loved me?”

Clary was very glad she had put her cup down, because if she hadn’t, she would have dropped it. Sebastian was looking at her not with any shyness or the sort of natural awkwardness that might be attendant on such a bizarre question, but as if she were a curious, foreign life-form.

“Well,” she said. “You’re my brother. I would have loved you. I would have… had to.”

He kept looking at her with the same still, intent gaze. She wondered if she should ask him if he thought that meant he would have loved her, too. Like a sister. But she had a feeling he had no idea what that meant.

“But Valentine didn’t bring me up,” she said. “In fact, I killed him.”

She wasn’t sure why she said it. Maybe she wanted to see if it was possible to upset him. After all, Jace had told her once that he thought Valentine might have been the only thing Sebastian had ever cared about.

But he didn’t blanch. “Actually,” he said, “the Angel killed him. Though it was because of you.” His fingers traced patterns on the worn tabletop. “You know, when I first met you, in Idris, I had hopes—I had thought you would be like me. And when you were nothing like me, I hated you. And then, when I was brought back, and Jace told me what you did, I realized that I had been wrong. You are like me.”

“You said that last night,” Clary said. “But I’m not—”

“You killed our father,” he said. His voice was soft. “And you don’t care. Never given it a second thought, have you? Valentine beat Jace bloody for the first ten years of his life, and Jace still misses him. Grieved for him, though they share no blood at all. But he was your father and you killed him and you’ve never missed a night of sleep over it.”