“Not when one has died and been brought back to life through evil means,” Jimmy said. “You have no idea what he’ll come back like.”
“He’ll come back like himself.”
“You sure about that?”
“You’ve always hated him.”
“So did you once.”
Had I? Those days seemed so long ago. After I’d gotten to know Sawyer, to understand him, and I realized why he was the way he was, things had changed. I’d changed.
I didn’t want to raise Sawyer to assuage my guilt for killing him, or because Faith needed a father, or even because I missed him so damn much—though all of those things were true—but because Sawyer had power, wisdom, and knowledge beyond my own and everyone else’s. I didn’t think we could win without him. And that was without taking into account my dream of a crucified Jimmy and a missing little girl.
“None of this matters now,” I said. “The book is gone.”
Along with all its secrets.
The two of us searched awhile longer for the dagger but had no luck. There were so many holes in the floor, so many piles of old wood and stone, the weapon could be anywhere.
“You’re sure you brought it?” Jimmy asked.
“You know, I’m not exactly new at this,” I snapped. I’d had it in my hand. Too bad I hadn’t used it.
My dizziness passed. I began to attribute it more to being upset over the loss of Sawyer and what that would mean to us all than the love tap Mait had given me. The pain was already gone, and according to Jimmy the black eye was fading.
We were sweaty and panting by the time we reached the car. The air-conditioning felt heavenly, and I let it blow in my face all the way to the hotel.
Once there, I went directly into the bathroom and locked the door. Not that a door would keep Sanducci out if he wanted to get in. But the sound of my locking it might. Jimmy would never go where he wasn’t wanted.
I let tepid water pound on my head and soothe the frantic pounding of my pulse. I was both furious and frightened. We were going to have to make do without Sawyer, and I wasn’t sure how.
I slammed my palm against the wall. Something crunched. I opened one eye. I’d put a crack in the tile.
“Suck it up,” I muttered. “Did you think the Apocalypse was going to be easy?”
No. But I’d thought I’d have more help.
I half expected Jimmy to be gone by the time I came out—either to beg, borrow, or steal another dagger or to get a lead on Mait. But he wasn’t.
As I crossed to the dresser and slipped first Ruthie’s crucifix, then Sawyer’s turquoise, over my head, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. For an instant I panicked, thinking my collar had fallen off.
I braced against the evil that would wash over me along with the unquenchable desire to kill everything I saw. Not that bracing would help. When the evil was free, there was nothing I could do about it. When the evil was me, I didn’t want to.
Fast on the heels of panic came relief. The demon was gone—at least until the next full moon.
“Do you have to do that?” Jimmy asked.
“What?” I turned.
“Rub his turquoise as if you were rubbing—” Jimmy broke off and crossed to the balcony, staring out at the setting sun.
I glanced down. I had been rubbing the turquoise as if I were rubbing—
“Sawyer,” I whispered, and my hand clenched around the stone. I listened, hoping for some kind of answer, but there was nothing. Would there ever be anything again?
Anger sparked, and since anger was always better than agony, I went with it, crossing the room until I stood just inside the terrace doors.
“Sanducci.” He faced me, expression tense, mouth tight. “You were supposed to grab the book and run.” I shoved him in the chest.
“You were supposed to kill Mait.” He shoved me right back.
“Why didn’t you?” I demanded.
“Why didn’t you?”
We stood nose-to-nose, just like when we were kids. If I weren’t careful, he’d kick me in the shin and take my last cookie.
I turned away. “We had a plan. You should have followed through.”
“Did you really think I was going to put that book into your hands, Lizzy?”
I had. My mistake.
“Why didn’t you take it somewhere and burn it?” I asked. Somewhere that I could have snatched it. “Why wait until Mait recognized you and everything went to hell?”
“I didn’t wait. I signaled for you to kill him.” He spun me around then looked me up and down as if I were someone he’d just met and did not like. “You were close enough.”
“That was the plan!” I pulled free. “Your plan. At least I stuck to it.”
“Until you didn’t kill him.”
I sighed. “I’m supposed to be the leader of the light. You’re my second. That means you take orders from me, and I ordered you to bring me that book.”