The thought, while true, was slightly ridiculous.
“What?” I couldn’t keep the awkward chuckle out of my voice no matter how hard I tried.
“This ripped heart that you speak of.”
“I don’t think that’s possible, Thom. You are part of the problem…” I felt his chest harden, the muscles tensing underneath me at my admission. I tried to move away, but he held me tightly against him, his magic flaring against my skin in warning to not move.
I could tell he wasn’t mad, perhaps only hurt.
I still owed him honesty, something, given the subject matter, that made me uncomfortable.
“I’m still in love with you.” A sharp intake of breath made me almost lose track of what I needed to say to him. Almost. He needed to hear me out. “But I am also still in love with Talon. My heart hasn’t quite gotten the memo about having lived two different lives.”
“Your heart is smarter than your head, then.” It was a whisper in my ear, the warm air of his breath rushing over my neck. “They weren’t two different lives. It was just one life. Love as many people as you want.”
The words were truth. They were honest. They were a stab in the gut and an echo of a memory of two teenage girls laughing on the floor of a punk rock bedroom. Styx had been playing in the background, and my own voice had broken over the music with advice that at the time seemed insignificant. But now?
“It’s okay to love. I think it makes you a better person. At least then you know what it feels like to love instead of living without ever knowing. I love a lot of people I know will never love me back, but I am happier because of it.”
I had been speaking of my brother, of my father; however, hearing those words roar through my head now, I knew it was so much more than that.
“I know. I wish that would take away the anxiety, the way everything feels like it’s crawling around inside of me.” It was so much more than that, but they were the only words that fit.
“Are you saying I need to find you something to kill?” It was then his arms loosened enough to let me look into the face that was more a part of my memory than any other. Even when I had forgotten him, even when Ilyan had taken that life from me, he still had been with me in my dreams. I guessed, in a way, he had always been there.
“Something like that.”
Thom chuckled at me, his voice low and deep as it rolled over my skin and rumbled through me. I clung to him at the sound, at the movement, which only made him laugh more.
“I think I can arrange that. Give me a few days.”
I knew I should laugh, but I couldn’t make the sound come. I couldn’t dispel the anxiety that had taken up residence in my chest.
He was right. I really did just need to kill something.
It was what I had always done, after all. Why should now be any different?
“Wynifred, you have always had a habit of overthinking things and taking the smallest bit of information then dwelling on it until it sits on your chest, and you can’t breathe.”
I had related it to a saber tooth tiger earlier. I guessed I wasn’t as far from the truth as I had thought.
Sometimes, it scared me how well Thom knew me.
“Stop it.” The kindness in his voice was gone now.
I flinched, pulling away from him and expecting a demon; instead, I only found the gruff man before me smiling, his tiny dimple peeking out behind his wild hair.
“Stop overthinking. Your heart and your mind know what to do. They know who you are. They know what your answer is.” His voice was a whisper, while I wasn’t even sure I was breathing. “Trust it.”
I merely stared at him, at the dimple, at the dreads, at the shallow scars on his chin and…
“Thom,” I began, but he only smiled, his hands pressing me against him again as he stopped what I was about to say with that gruff irritation of his.
“Don’t say I’m wise,” he growled. “I don’t think I could take it.”
I couldn’t help laughing. He just didn’t realize he always had been.
Eight
“For Sdens.”
The room was dark and quiet as I continued the ritual toasting before the battle. Even though Jos and Ilyan had left, even though Thom had fallen asleep hours before, I still continued. Tomorrow’s battle with Edmund loomed closer with each drink.
I could hear the crickets through the partially opened window, the sound vaguely familiar as it rumbled under the buzzing that filled my ears. I knew I should sleep—my body wanted sleep—but I couldn’t, not yet.
I still had too many names to go through before we ran into Edmund’s army tomorrow. Before the possibly deadly attempt to get everyone out of Risoseco and to Prague began. Although, I wasn’t sure how wise that would be, especially considering the Vil? based bloodbath Jos had apparently seen alongside her father a few hours before.
I didn’t want to believe it.