But they had to be done. The world didn’t give a shit when you were aching and lost. When the one person you needed and loved most was no longer with you, it didn’t affect them at all.
Only your world was shattered beyond repair.
And then the absolute, impotent anguish that came when you saw the confirmation of your worst fears…
He couldn’t take his eyes off her battered face.
Damn you all!
This was so much worse than what they’d done to him. He would much rather be back in that room, having Pip feed him shit than to be here right now, knowing he’d never see Zarya again.
She’s gone.
Forever…
Having lived solely for her, how could he go back to living without her? She had been the only light in his darkness. When he had been lost to a place so dismal not even Maris could pull him out, she alone had returned him to sanity and given him sunshine again.
And he’d wasted so much precious time with her letting his hurt stand between them.
If I could just have one more hour back…
He wouldn’t squander it by holding past mistakes against her. Rather he would revel in the miracle that he’d had her at all. That somehow, against all odds, two lost and battered souls had found each other, and there for one moment in time, had managed to be happy together.
Why did I waste it?
Why?
Maris moved forward to hold him tight. “Breathe, baby. Just breathe.”
Darling couldn’t. Not while his soul screamed out in the bitterest agony he’d ever tasted. A thousand memories tore through him at once. He saw Zarya’s eyes light and happy as she teased him late at night. Her face as she looked up at him with an adoration no one else had ever given him.
Not even Maris.
Anytime she glanced at him, there had been the most beautiful twitching of her lips as if she was trying not to smile. A joy in her gaze that had never failed to set him on fire.
And now the last image of her, the one that would haunt him forever, was of her bruised and bloodied. Of her amber eyes lifeless and empty…
Reality crashed over him and ripped him straight out of his body. He saw himself as if he were looking down on the small group. Drake’s pale face was drawn, but vengeance glowed in his eyes. Ryn and Hauk stood behind Nykyrian wearing the same stoic expression Nykyrian held as they braced themselves for his reaction.
Maris stood behind him with one arm around his waist and the other wrapped around his shoulders. He had his forehead pressed against the back of Darling’s head and he felt Maris’s hot tears on his neck as his best friend trembled and wept from his own grief. It was a protective hug, the kind Darling had used with Drake and Lise when they were children and he’d wanted them to feel secure and safe in the midst of all hell busting loose.
But he didn’t feel secure. And he had no right to feel safe. Not after he’d allowed the only woman he’d ever loved to leave his protection and be tortured to death.
The grief and misery inside was so great that it left him suddenly numb. It was as if his mind knew he couldn’t handle the full magnitude of her loss. So it shielded him with a cloak of apathy.
He hadn’t felt like this since the day his father had been buried and he’d realized nothing would ever be the same—that he would never be the same. The first time his life had shattered into a trillion jagged pieces that had lacerated every part of him, body and soul.
And he knew it wouldn’t last. Sooner or later, his mind would drop the shield and all that pain would flood over him. Even sharper and deeper, until there was nothing left except a rage so foul it would challenge his sanity.
Zarya was dead.
It didn’t seem possible. Yet there was no denying that photo. She was gone from him.
I’ll never hear her voice again. Never wake up with her hand tangled in his hair.
Never again have her stick her cold feet on his back whenever she got in bed with him…
He would even miss the way she always stole food off his plate before he had a chance to taste it. Those things had made him snap at her. They’d made him crazy.
I would sell my soul to feel those icy feet shock my skin one more time…
How could the gods have done this to him? Had he not suffered enough in his wretched life? Was he not allowed one shred of happiness after all he’d been through?
Damn you all!
In that moment, he hated everyone and especially the gods who’d betrayed him. They weren’t real. They weren’t there. Or if they were, they didn’t care. How could he have ever worshiped beings so callous?
How?
But most of all, he hated himself for his inability to locate Zarya in time to save her life. Hated himself for not being there for her when she’d left this existence.
How could he have failed her so completely?
There was no such thing as justice. Just as there was no such thing as compassion or decency. The universe was dark and it was cold. Life-sucking and demeaning.
Treacherous.
And he’d had enough of it.
Breaking away from Maris, he stormed down the hall, toward the landing bay.